4075 Weight and remembrance.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

"By a curious confusion, many modern critics have passed from the proposition

that a masterpiece may be unpopular

to the other proposition that unless it is unpopular

it cannot be a masterpiece."

-- G. K. Chesterton --

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I'm now at 150 lbs, and have been for quite a while.  That may not seem like all that terribly much, but remember that I am about 4'9" tall.  On a regular-sized woman, that might be equivalent to over 180 lbs.  Being pre-diabetic (and I might be fooling myself there with the "pre") this is bad.

I've been trying to lose weight for a few months now, watching calories, but I guess I'm not trying all that hard because I haven't increased my activity level one iota.  So, I weigh me about once a week, or every two weeks, and I'm frustrated to see exactly 150 lbs every time.  The needle is so steady that for a while I wondered if the scale was broken.

What's weird is that a few things that were too tight a month ago are fine now, so either I'm losing inches if not pounds, or I'm just more accepting of the lumps.  I dunno.

The Man would think I look great now.  He prefers well-padded women.  He didn't say anything, but I know he was distressed when I dropped to 125ish back in 2009ish.  

I guess I'm going to have to start walking, or something.

-----------------------------------------------

This brings up the topic of what happened to The Man?  Nothing drastic, really.  We enjoyed each other thoroughly during the time, but neither of us was looking for anything permanent or intense, and although the physical and mental intimacy was wonderful there wasn't a lot of emotional intimacy.  That was an unspoken but understood agreement. There were a lot of topics we carefully avoided.

So there came a time when things in my life (the kidney stuff especially, and pneumonia) were causing me to withdraw and I was not willing to share the reasons with him, which created a wedge, and then he had some serious physical/medical and professional (and resulting financial and severe emotional) reversals that he was not willing to discuss with me (it being unmanly, and not a part of our relationship, and he certainly did not want my help), so he withdrew also, and then some personality differences came into play that made rapprochement difficult, and we kind of drifted apart.  

We both hate the telephone, and I don't text (won't!), so now there are the occasional holiday and birthday emails, and that's about it.  I know better than to ask questions, and he doesn't, so even those emails are terse.

I'm ok with it.  If I ever had the opportunity to fall into bed with him again, would I?   You bet your sweet patooty!  That's an experience not to be missed!  But on the other hand, I'm not sure I'd want to start that whole thing up again.  I'm absolutely glad we had what we did have.  He opened a new world to me, and taught me things about myself I'd never known or appreciated before, and I'm glad I experienced that. 

I'm not looking for another man.  Just not the least bit interested.  Plus, I doubt that anyone else could live up to his example.  If he's the last of my sex life, it's a bang-up ending, and I'm fine with that.
.

3724 Disturbing bits

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Common sense is what tells you that the world is flat.

-- Malaclypse the Younger --

---------------------------------------------

With the exception of those whose celebrity is based on sex appeal, there is an inverse relationship between your earning power and the distance between the top of your hipbones and the waistband of your clothing.

-------------------------

New constructions driving me crazy:

• "Embarrassed of".  I guess they are confusing it with "ashamed of" and "frightened of".
• "Could of/would of".  Are they mishearing "have"? Or are they just lazy?

-------------------------

The minor news this week is the installation of a spire on the top of 1 World Trade Center, which "makes it, at 1776 feet, the tallest building in the western hemisphere".  

Sorry, but I don't consider spires, radio towers, or the like to be part of the building.  Yeah, it was built, and it's on the building, but isn't that like my spiking my hair six inches high and then claiming to be six inches taller? 

I figure a building is as tall as its highest habitable floor.  All else is decoration.

---------------------------

I have gained a lot of weight in the past 8 months.  I always told myself I wasn't too fat if I couldn't see my tummy past my bust.  I am now too fat,  by about a half inch.
.

2983 I haven't been THAT good!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

I takes 42 muscles to frown, and only 4 to reach out and smack you.

-----------------------------------------

When I arrived so early for the movie yesterday, I decided to window shop a little in Rhinebeck. I tried on a pair of on-sale slacks in Winter Sun. They were a little loose. They were size XS.

I weighed me this morning for the first time in a week or more. I'm at 123 lbs. That's the first time I've been below 125 in at least 20 years.

I don't know whether to celebrate or worry.
.

2575 Photos from the past

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Old Italian saying: If you’re standing with one foot in the past, and one foot in the future, you’re pissing on today.

----------------------------------

Jay's sister sent me a large box of some of the photographs she found when cleaning out Jay's father's house. I went through them last night. A lot are from Jay's childhood. Some are of him and his ex-wife, and many are of him and me.

When I met him, in his middle thirties, he was a big man, 6'3", 240 pounds, with a very small round potbelly. Judging from these photos, he was always tall, and until his thirties, he was skinny. If it weren't for the dates on the back of the photos, I'd be unable to judge his age. There was also a boy scout uniform shirt in the box. I remember him telling me that he had been a cub scout, but was in the boy scouts for only a few years. The shirt fit me. I wear a 40" chest.

Many of the photos including me were a surprise in more ways than one. Half of them, I have no idea where they were taken. I can tell when by the date on the back, but unless they were in a known house, I have no idea where, or what the occasion was.

I had gained weight after we got married in 1994. During Jay's illness, starting in 1999, I lost a lot of weight and gained a lot of muscle. I looked great, and that's an objective opinion. Then after he died at the end of 2001, I gained a lot of weight. By 2005 I was the heaviest I'd ever been. I knew I was heavy then, because I couldn't find clothes to fit. What I didn't know was how I looked back before he got sick. It was about 10 pounds less than 2005's high, and looking at those photos, I can't believe I didn't know how bad I looked, or that I ever got even bigger.

I guess have a distorted body image. When I look in the mirror, I think I look fine, in the face and figure. But when I see photographs I'm shocked. My face is older than I realize, and my body is, um, wider. My weight has fluctuated wildly over the past fifteen years, a 50 pound difference between the highs and the lows, but except for right now, I never really realized when I was heavy.

I think perhaps I tend to see myself as my romantic interest sees me. Jay thought I looked fine back then. The Man, now, would prefer me a bit heavier, I think. Me, I want my spectacular thirties back.

---------------------------

A selection from the box.

Jay's father worked for Kodak, and took a lot of pictures. He viewed the world through a lens. A good portion of the box contents is his kids, frame after frame, pose after pose. He'd set Jay up with a toy - maybe a toy truck - on a side table, and obviously said "play with it", and then took picture after picture. Those kids must have spent some miserable afternoons.

He took a lot of pictures when he visited us, but I'd never seen any of them until this box arrived.

December 1954. Jay would have been 33 months old, and look how tall he is. The older sister would have been about ten years old.
1964. Jay at about 12 years old. The shirt he's wearing, that fits me, was also in the box.August 1984. This was right about the time I first met him.
October 1985. This house under construction. That's Jay, his ex-wife, and his mother on the deck. This is the back wall of the living room. The trees have grown up since, so that view is now available only in the winter when the leaves are gone.
October 1985. Construction, this house, no fireplace mantel yet. That's the dining room around the corner to the left, and I included this photo to show that there's more glass in the dining room. Master bedroom has more.
December 1987. Three years before he left the Ex. Seven years before we married. He's 35 in this shot, and look at all the white starting in his beard already. He and the Ex had been married about four years, and he was unhappy. They had been dating in Texas when he was transferred to NY, so they got married rather quickly. Within months he was sleeping in the guest bedroom, and she had pretty much set up a life separate from him. He had always wanted children. After they were married, she said she didn't want children. She was deliriously happy in the marriage. She was supported, nice house, handsome escort whenever she wanted to go out, major travel twice a year, and she didn't have to do anything in exchange. Before he left the office every day, he'd call her and she'd tell him what takeout to pick up. We, his friends, knew he was not happy, but we didn't know why.
------------------
You'll notice that from here on down, every time you see me, my hair is a different color. It isn't really. I didn't do anything to it. I considered it a dark reddish-brown, like in the 1995 photos, but what color it looks like in photos is rather random. It seems to depend on the lighting, and whether the light shines through it or on it, natural light or flash.
------------------

September 1994. The mini-Schnauzer belonged to Jay's father. That dog hated me. Bit me seriously three times over the next few years, and yet every time his father went to Europe on his annual trip, he insisted on leaving the dog with us. The blond dog, Baby, was left with us when Daughter went to college, and promptly fell madly in love with Jay. The gray Keeshund, Ninja, had a skin problem, so we had to keep him clipped. And here's a "heavy" photo. I look like a walking cracker box.
February 1995.
February 1995.
June 1995. Ninja and me. Jay's father would find a pose he liked, and then insist that everyone do it.
June 1995. Jay, same pose, with father's dog Robin. There are versions of various combinations of animals and people, but none of me with Robin. That dog hated me.
January 1996. Yes, I'm standing.
June 1998. Daughter's cat Scruffy, who also moved in with us when she went to college. Scruffy was a huge mellow Maine 'Coon cat, a Harley biker in a cat suit. I'm sorry his tail isn't in that picture. It was a huge fluffy raccoon tail. And look how light my hair is with the sun shining through it.
Later: When I checked the posting, the song that played was "Where Have All the Flowers Gone". Sniff.
.

2531 Three days?

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

T.S. Eliot: "Some editors are failed writers,
but so are most writers".

-----------------------------------------

I haven't updated in a while. I've been busy moving archived emails from AOL to Gmail, and in the process, I'm rereading them. Fascinating. And we've had a few days without rain, so I've been walking. I'm still eating under 1,000 balanced calories per day in five or six "meals", but I'm still stuck at 10 pounds lost and 15 or 20 to go, so every day it's not raining, I walk.

I'm going to a Meetup movie and dinner tonight in Albany. We're to meet in the theater lobby at 6:00, and I don't know exactly where it is, or what rush hour traffic might be like. The GPS says the drive should take an hour, so I figure just to be safe, I've got to leave here a little after 4.

It's not raining, so I want to get a walk in before washing my hair and dressing.

Bye.

------------------------------------

A few minutes later: Wow! Google maps is helpful! The GPS would get me there, but I still wondered where I was going, so I looked it up.

Then I looked at the street view, and my heart fell. The theater fronts on a street full of businesses, with a store abutting on each side. Albany is famous for parking difficulty. I didn't see any sign of a parking lot or lot entrance next to the theater.

So I looked at the satellite view. Bingo! There's a large parking lot immediately behind the theater reached by turning in at the next side street.

GPS wouldn't have told me that.
.

2519 A diagnosis, I hope

Thursday, July 23, 2009

If you don’t know who the “mark” is at the table, it’s you.

-----------------------------

After Jay died, I gained a LOT of weight over the next three years. In 2005 I woke up and started losing. By early 2007, when I met The Man, I still had 15 pounds to go, but I was looking pretty ok.

Over the past year and a half, the weight started climbing again, and I wasn't eating all that much. Other things were happening, too. Like, I seemed incapable of starting or finishing anything. I was tired a lot, but not sleepy tired - just inertia tired. My mind wasn't working well. Thinking, formulating opinions, it was all so hard. Memory was going. I'd find a note on the counter in my handwriting, like "RSVP Susan 345-123-4567". It would be written on the back of a grocery receipt from only two days before, but I'd have no memory whatsoever of having written it, or why, or who Susan was and what I was supposed to RSVP for. Stuff like that.

I'd go back through the journal/blog of a few years ago, and I was amazed at the things I thought about. It's just too hard to think about things now.

I hadn't seen a doctor at all since 2000, except for a UTI in 2007. I probably wouldn't have this year if it weren't for the breast scare.

I've been eating carefully for five weeks now. Partly for weight, and partly for blood sugar. I lost some pounds the first two weeks, but nothing since.

Tuesday I had another blood test, and it WAS the thyroid they were rechecking, and yeah, I've got a sluggish thyroid.

If true, it explains everything.

I start the thyroid hormone pills tomorrow, should see some effects within two weeks if that really is it. Blood tests (aaaagh!) every six weeks for a while to adjust the levels.

I hope that is it. I was afraid it was just age, ye olde hardening of the arteries.
.

2462 Diet, Day 9

Friday, June 25, 2009

Political Correctness: The belief that anyone expressing a thought is responsible for the comfort of the person interpreting that thought.

Law #1 - You must not bother other people.

Law #2 - If you are other people,
you must not be bothered so easily.

-------------------------

What I ate yesterday:
Yogurt, Dannon, coffee flavor
2 coffee, coffeemate vanilla sugar free
Bagel, toasted
Margarine, Promise, 2 tbsp
Watermelon, 8 oz
V8 veggie juice, 8 oz
Diabetic Dinner - Roast beef, potato, broccoli
Water & tea
The usual vitamins and minerals, not included in totals below.

Totals for yesterday:
Calories - 992 (out of 1153 allowed)
Carbs - 131 (299g allowed)
Sugar - 46g
Fiber - 8g
Fat - 34 (67g allowed)
Protein - 56 (47g allowed)(but I suspect that's ok)
Cholesterol - 55 (297mg allowed)
Sodium - 1450 (2402mg allowed)

Total weight lost since 6/17:
3.0 pounds
.

2455 Diet, Day 6

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Doctor Who: "What is life? It's a way of keeping meat fresh."

-----------------------

What I ate yesterday:
2 coffee, coffeemate vanilla sugar free
pasta, mushroom, sauce (6/19 doggie bag)
grits, Quaker original pkg
Margarine, Promise, 2 tsp
MacIntosh apple, w. skin
Ice cream - eskimo pie
wild black raspberries, a few from the yard
Stouffer's turkey dinner
Water
The usual vitamins and minerals, not included in totals below.

Totals for yesterday:
Calories - 972 (out of 1153 allowed)
Carbs - 93 (299g allowed)
Sugar - 4g
Fiber - 15g
Fat - 34 (67g allowed)
Protein - 20 (47g allowed)
Cholesterol - 60 (297mg allowed)
Sodium - 1411 (2402mg allowed)

Total weight lost since 6/17:
1.5 pounds

---------------------

For many years I've been telling people I will gain weight if I eat more than 1000 calories a day, and the reaction has always been a snort, and "no way!"

I've been very good about tracking calories this past week. I averaged 799 calories a day over the past six days, and I don't feel hungry or deprived. I'm fine. I miss my yogurt, and I think I may add that back in. Otherwise, I miss nothing else.

This diet is giving me an understanding of how calories and exercise relate in my body. I've increased my activity level a little bit this week, and I credit that for the 1.5 pound loss. The gain of 15+ pounds since last November is due, I think, to a daily Starbucks Frappachino (sp?) and an occasional candy bar, without a corresponding activity increase. When I get to my target weight, I should be able to figure out how I can have frapps and candy bars occasionally without gaining.

-----------------

Update: I just made myself some ham salad, using Hormel canned ham. I usually like salty things. I'm more partial to potato chips than a piece of cake. But my tongue has already changed, I guess. This ham salad is so salty I don't really want it! And that's sayin' somethin'!
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2451 Diet - Day 5

Monday, June 22, 2009

What I ate yesterday:
quiche, broccoli cheese
1 c broccoli, steamed
Iced tea, unsweetened
bagel, poppy seed
cream cheese
Diabetic Dinner - chicken chow mein, orient vegs
Water
The usual vitamins and minerals, not included in totals below.

Totals for yesterday:
Calories - 995 (out of 1153 allowed)
Carbs - 97 (299g allowed)
Sugar - 5g
Fiber - 8g
Fat - 42 (67g allowed)
Protein - 54 (47g allowed)
Cholesterol - 70 (297mg allowed)
Sodium - 270 (2402mg allowed

Weight lost since 6/17
I gained 1 pound.
.

2448 Diet - Days 3 and 4

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Aristotle: "We are what we repeatedly do.
Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit."

-----------------------

This gets a lot harder when one eats out. I have to guess at a lot, look things up on the internet, and fill in the blanks with approximations. I may be off by a bit (especially where sugar, fat, and cholesterol are concerned), but not by enough to make it completely worthless.

What I ate Friday, 6/19:
Orange, fresh
coffee, coffeemate vanilla sugar free
Omelet - tomato, basil, turkey bacon, mango & berries
Iced tea, Lipton diet
coffee, coffeemate vanilla sugar free
salad greens, berries, nuts, goat cheese
pasta, mushroom sauce
bread pudding
Earl Grey tea
Water
The usual vitamins and minerals, not included in totals below.

Totals for Friday, 6/18:
Calories - 1012 (out of 1153 allowed)
Carbs - 88 (299g allowed)
Sugar - 10g
Fiber - 18g
Fat - 46 (67g allowed)
Protein - 53 (47g allowed)
Cholesterol - 30 (297mg allowed)
Sodium - 650 (2402mg allowed)

------------------------

What I ate yesterday:
coffee, coffeemate vanilla sugar free
Iced tea, unsweetened
Beets, roasted, 1/2 cup
salad, diet ranch
grits, Quaker original pkg
Water
The usual vitamins and minerals, not included in totals below.

Totals for yesterday:
Calories - 389 (out of 1153 allowed)
Carbs - 43 (299g allowed)
Sugar - 8g
Fiber - 9g
Fat - 19 (67g allowed)
Protein - 3 (47g allowed)
Cholesterol - 25 (297mg allowed)
Sodium - 325 (2402mg allowed)

And I got lots of exercise yesterday....
.

2447 Diet - Day 2

Friday, June 19, 2009

Ralph Waldo Emerson: "Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

--------------------

What I ate yesterday:
coffee, coffeemate vanilla sugar free
grits, Quaker original pkg
Margarine, Promise, 1 tbsp
MacIntosh apple, w. skin
coffee, coffeemate vanilla sugar free
Wheat thins, Nabisco, .77 oz
Iced tea, Lipton diet
LeanCuisine - parmesan fish, pasta, zucchini, carrots
Tomato, small fresh
Water
The usual vitamins and minerals, not included in totals below.

Totals for yesterday:
Calories - 732 (out of 1153 allowed)
Carbs - 107 (299g allowed)
Sugar - 11g
Fiber - 11g
Fat - 25 (67g allowed)
Protein - 20 (47g allowed)
Cholesterol - 30 (297mg allowed)
Sodium - 1245 (2402mg allowed)
.

2444 Diet, Day 1

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Thomas Edison: "Many of life's failures are people
who did not realize how close they were to success
when they gave up."

------------------------

I went to a site yesterday recommended by Becs, which redirected me to LiveStrong.com. You can enter what you eat, and they'll fill in all the numbers for you, and track you by day. I put in my current height and weight and activity level, and asked how many calories I would need per day to lose weight at the rate of 1.5 pounds per week.

It said 1153.

Then I started filling in what I ate. For some things it works well. Put in "Apple", and you get the numbers. Put in "CoffeeMate regular" and you get the numbers. But then I ran into trouble. I use CoffeeMate Vanilla Sugar-free, which is not at all the same as regular. It isn't on LiveStrong's list, and the program doesn't allow you to fill in the numbers from the package yourself. I ate a diabetic pre-packaged meal for lunch, which wasn't on the list of choices, so I tried looking up the separate parts of the meal, but LiveStrong's numbers were wildly different from those on the meal package.

So, in the end, I decided that LiveStrong would be useful for looking up data on some things, but to keep track of my daily fare I'll need to do it myself.

I set up a little database, and kept track of everything I ate yesterday. I used the package numbers for everything but the blueberries. Blueberry numbers I got from LiveStrong. (I'm amazed that nothing includes calcium numbers, but I take 1800 whatevers in tablet form per day.)

Daily requirements/Limits (per LiveStrong):
Calories - 1153
Carbs - 299g
Fat - 67g
Protein - 47g
Cholesterol - 297mg
Sodium - 2402mg

What I ate yesterday:
1 cup blueberries
oatmeal and a baked apple (diabetic pre-packaged meal)
cup coffee with CoffeeMate (sugar-free)
Lean Cuisine - garlic chicken, creamed spinach w. carrots
Ice cream - one Eskimo Pie
Water
The usual vitamins and minerals, not included in totals below.

Totals for yesterday:
Calories - 694 (out of 1153 allowed)
Carbs - 83 (299g allowed)
Sugar - 28g
Fiber - 12g
Fat - 31 (67g allowed)
Protein - 29 (47g allowed)
Cholesterol - 45 (297mg allowed)
Sodium - 807 (2402mg allowed)

Yesterday's fare is pretty typical for me. I didn't cheat at all - that's a typical day, that was my actual intake, and those are my actual totals. So, why don't I look like Paris Hilton?

Sob. I don't understand.

I'm going to track every day for a month.
.

2193 Another "News Story" from those blithering idiots at AOL

Friday, January 2, 2009

I use AOL for my main email id. That's all I use it for. It's the one thing they get right, and it's free. When you bring up AOL you get a welcome screen that has "news stories". I should know better by now, but sometimes I get suckered into clicking on one.

One that suckered me yesterday was about a study showing that heavier women report more and better sex than thin women. Well, I'm a heavier woman trying to get thinner, and I certainly want to continue enjoying sex, and I wondered if I might end up missing out on something, maybe it has something to do with estrogen being stored in fat, and if there's anything I need now it's to preserve the little estrogen I've got left ... so I clicked on it.

There were so many things wrong with that "study" that I was literally yelling at the screen.

I should define where I'm coming from before I go commenting on "heavier women". I am 4' 10" tall, and I weigh 140 pounds. My measurements are 42, 33, 39. My legs are short and thick, and my thighs jiggle side-to-side when I walk. I am by no means thin. My goal is 125 pounds, that's where I'd like to be, and even there I'd still be pretty, uh, lush, because I'm so short. Actually, the only thing that distresses me about my body right now is that I have a thick pad on my belly (it's a loose pad on TOP of very good abs, by the way, so don't make crunch noises at me). If I could get rid of just that pad I'd be satisfied with all the rest as it is, jiggle and all. Anyway, the point is, I am considered "heavier", no matter how any study defines it.

And that was the first thing that bugged me about the story - they defined "heavier" as being a size 12 (American) and up.

First off, you can't define anything by dress size! If I pay less than $30 for a dress or blouse, I wear a 10 or 12, or a medium, maybe even a large if it's tight across the bust. If I pay more than $100 for the same thing, I wear a 6 or 8, or a small. I'm not exaggerating. I buy about half my clothes at Wal-Mart, and half at boutiques, so I have a lot of experience with the difference in size measurements. I wear a Coldwater Creek small, 6/8. Coldwater Creek caters to older women with large budgets, and wants to make them feel good about their sizes, so they put small numbers on big items. If I tried on a $2,000 sundress on Rodeo Drive, I wouldn't be at all surprised to find I wear a 4. Less expensive clothing skimps on fabric. More expensive clothing plays to egos. Simple fact.

So is that a cheap 12 or an expensive 12? And how do they get "heavier" when 12 (however defined) is supposedly the average woman's size? Heavier than what?

So ok, got past that. Next, the "study" is based on women "self reporting". Bad methodology. Self reports means self selected, often come from people who want to brag and/or have an agenda, and often have nothing to do with facts.

Last, the "researcher's" "conclusions" are that men (they're saying in general, note, not specific) prefer heavier women, find heavier women sexier.

This is not a valid conclusion.

[It may or may not be true. I'm certainly not saying that large women aren't sexy, ALL intelligent strong loving confident women are sexy!, but the conclusion simply isn't supported by the "study", and that's what I'm objecting to. I'm heavy, and I'm sexy. So there.]

It's possible that men find heavier women simply more approachable, and more available. Wolves and players all know that it's easier to get into a woman's pants if she has low self esteem, and all men dislike rejection, so if a guy is looking for a one-night stand, who's he more likely to approach? Most likely one that he thinks DOESN'T get approached a lot.

Getting approached and invited has a lot to do with how much you get.

If you watch Maury or Jerry, you see 300 pound toothless illiterate women who are sleeping with five men at the same time. Some men will take anything they can get. Some women are easy to get. At least Jerry Springer doesn't attempt to conclude that 300 pound toothless illiterate women are sexier and more in demand than other women.

Give me a break, AOL.

--------------------------

Yes, there are lots of men who do prefer full-bodied women. I'm dating one right now. By his standards, I'm skinny. He likes 'em BIG. I think that's why I'm having so much trouble losing that last 15 pounds. I don't feel a strong internal or external urge.
.

#590 Singularity, Love, Weight, and the Rest of the Package

Yesterday, neighbor Anna asked for a ride to physical therapy. She said 8 am. I said that she should call me to make sure I was awake, and she said ok, she'd call me at 7:30. I said to make it 7. I set the alarm for 6:30 this morning, and it's a good thing I actually woke up and got moving then, because when Anna called at 7, she said the appointment was for 8, and I should pick her up at 7:30. Sheesh. If she knew that, why did she offer the wakeup call at 7:30? That wouldn't have been much help.

While she was doing her thing, I had breakfast in the hospital cafeteria. Scrambled eggs, bacon, tea, and an orange, for about $3. Not bad. I'm going to take her in on Tuesday and Thursday of next week, too.

---------------------------------------------------------

Today was weigh-in time at the spa. I have lost 4 lbs. since February 1st. I suspect I've actually lost more in fat, because I'm growing muscle, which is denser. We also measured at the bust, waist, tummy, hips, thigh, calf, and upper arm. Since last month I've lost an inch here, 3/4 inch there and there, a bit everywhere. So, I'm progressing.

---------------------------------------------------------

I wander around the internet sometimes, mostly following side trails off something I was researching, and sometimes I find interesting stuff. I hit the mother lode today - a site which consists entirely of pointers to neat stuff other people accidentally stumbled upon - http://touby.stumbleupon.com/

---------------------------------------------------------

Wandering around, I also discovered that Yahoo has an "Answers" section. You ask a question, and self-defined "experts" can offer answers, and then others can vote on what they think was the best answer. It strikes me as next to useless. It's like the "gullible" website. "You like this answer? Here, I'll give you another...."

The love and relationships answer section seems to be overrun by children. Children who can't spell, can't string words together coherently, and can't think. It's scary reading.

One question and answer intrigued me. The question was: "How can u tel wen sum one luvs u" (or something like that).

I was thinking my answer (in general, not just in romantic love) would be, "When someone is as concerned about your health, happiness, and welfare as they are about their own, or even more, when they are willing to give up things important to themselves for you, then they love you." That led me to thinking about love in my life, and by this definition, I have to conclude (and believe it or not, I'd never thought about it before quite so specifically) that my father definitely didn't love us at all, not the least bit, and my mother's love was minimal. I thought about that for a while.

Then I read this answer (copied verbatim):
(1) when he/she cares about you a lot
(2) cant take a long without seeing you
(3) telling you his/her secrets
(4) treats you special than other people
(5) follow your heart and mental mind to feel that and watch his/her talking, acts, and atitude towards you .

This kid has some trouble stringing words, but at least he/she can think (so there's hope). #2 is more infatuation than love, but I was thinking that the rest is pretty good. Then I applied it to my situation again. Hmmm. Problem in Paradise. He (my obsession of late) says he cares "a lot", but I'm not seeing it. It seems like he can go indefinitely without seeing me or calling. He doesn't tell me anything important to me, and he's got a lot of secrets. He doesn't treat me as more special than anyone else, in fact someone else seems to be the special one. If you throw all that away, then whatever is left for #5 is the only place he excels, usually but not always. He doesn't fit my own definition, either, in that he knows I'm hurting, but he's in no hurry to lessen the pain. I guess I don't believe he loves me at all. I just keep hoping he will. Someday. Sigh. I wonder how long I can keep that up.

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From The Singularity Institute for Artificial Intelligence, at http://www.singinst.org/ :
"What is the Singularity? Sometime in the next few years or decades, humanity will become capable of surpassing the upper limit on intelligence that has held since the rise of the human species. We will become capable of technologically creating smarter-than-human intelligence, perhaps through enhancement of the human brain, direct links between computers and the brain, or Artificial Intelligence. This event is called the "Singularity" by analogy with the singularity at the center of a black hole ...." It goes on to say that, essentially, once we achieve a certain level of technology such that we can enhance intelligence, then the advanced intelligence can advance technology further, and the two will feed each other, increasing each other exponentially. They're all excited about it.

Am I the only person whom this scares? The concept of super-intelligence without a corresponding increase in soul, compassion, love, and plain old common sense is scary. I mean 1950's A-bomb scary. Run to the bathroom scary. People are people. Imagine the nastiest person you know, or the most soulless corporation, or the military, or the I-know-what's-good-for-you-and-you-don't people, whatever, with this capability.

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This is long (118 pages), and not for the faint of heart, but I found it and feel a responsibility to share it. It's another view. Don't say I never gave you anything.

America For Sale: The Cost of Republican Corruption
A Congressional Report on How America Is Being Sold to the Highest Bidder
Prepared by the House Rules Committee Democratic Staff
The Honorable Louise M. Slaughter, Ranking Member

http://www.votelouise.com/page/file/
260225323712d4368c_pam6btw03.pdf/AmericaForSale.pdf

#457 Losing Weight, but Not Changing Shape!

Walked today for the first time in a week. I stopped in at Piper's office and asked him if he'd like to walk with me (he keeps saying when I walk in town I should stop and invite him) but he couldn't leave the office right then. So I talked with him for a half hour or so, which cut the walking time down.

I've noticed that if I don't walk, the weight doesn't move, but when I do walk, the drop is noticeable and immediate - like, the next day. And it holds. Strange. What I eat or don't eat doesn't seem to matter as much as whether I walk or not. And I don't necessarily have to walk that far. Even just 1.5 miles will do it.

Sheesh. Winter coming. Cold. I guess I'd better unclutter the treadmill.

Another odd thing - as I'm losing weight, the shape is staying exactly the same, just getting smaller. So even 20 pounds down, the belly is still yucky sticky-outy compared to the base. No, it's not a muscle thing - it's a soft pad on top of muscle. Under all that famine-relief pack is a six-pack. Hard. Flat. Isometrics. Isotonic. Good stuff.

I know fasting is wrong, but I eat something other than 6 to 12 ounces of yogurt only about every other day, and when I do eat, I get way fewer than 1000 calories a day, usually closer to 600. Mostly I'm just not hungry these days. And yet I'm not lacking in energy.

Sigh. I don't understand.

~~Silk