1716 In Love with the Vision

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Free advice: Never take out a loan to buy something depreciable.

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As you get older, you get wiser in some areas, and stupider in others. Or maybe not more stupid, just better at fooling yourself.

I have long believed that when men fall in love, it's not so much the woman herself that they fall in love with as the way they feel when they're with her, most likely strong and capable. Of course that's a trap, because at some point some condition is going to arise where he feels inadequate. Maybe that's why marriages often don't survive breast cancer.

I think women often fall in love not so much with the man, but with the vision of what they imagine life would be like with him. And that's a trap, because eventually real life intrudes on the vision.

I guess it's hard to tell, when you fall in love, whether it's the other person you love, or the trap. You probably don't know until it's over, because you convince yourself that it's the person.

Jay had abandonment issues. Some things had happened in his childhood that made him afraid that no one would care for him. He had bad dreams of his mother walking off and turning a corner and disappearing, or driving off in the car and leaving him stranded in the middle of nowhere. He was unhappy in his previous marriage because his wife pretty much lived her own life, she didn't much "do" for him. She had pretty much emotionally abandoned him. So I know that much of his love for me came from his knowing that I would care for him and not abandon him. I mothered him, and that's exactly what he needed.

Did I love him, or the vision? Well, any rosy vision was pretty much destroyed by the brain cancer diagnosis, but I still loved him just as much, so yeah, I think it was just him.

And Roman, the Roman of all the 2005 and 2006 fuss and furor? It was the vision. I was tired of being alone, and here was someone who liked a lot of the same things I did, wanted to travel, challenged my mind, and would be a good companion for the remainder of my years. Of course I liked him a lot, too, but it really was mainly the vision I was tied up in. It wasn't until I gave up on having that vision that I realized that although I do like him a lot, still, as a person, we really aren't suited as a couple.

Now I'm in love with another. (I tease him that women see him as a "fast car", after the Tracy Chapman song (see below), thinking that he'll take them out of a life they don't like and make it all better, and when he doesn't, they get mad.) I'm pretty sure it's him, not the vision that has me hooked, because, frankly, I have no vision of a future with him. I just can't see it. He's a workaholic, and nowhere near retirement, has no desire for world travel (unless the Vikings happen to play in France), vastly prefers city living, and on and on. I just don't see it. What we want from life is so different. So I'm pretty sure it's HIM that keeps me coming back for more, not the vision of a future together.

I don't know why he loves me. Of course he says it's the brains, the thoughtfulness, my itty-bittiness, and my independence, and so on, but I know I also make him feel very strong and masculine, and I'm smart enough to fully appreciate his brainpower. I don't know if it's me he loves, or the way I make him feel.

Why does it matter? Because if it's me, I can say or do or be any way consistent with me, and he'll still love me. If it's only the way I make him feel that he loves, that's REAL easy to lose. A wrong word could kill it.
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And now, for your listening pleasure, Tracy Chapman's "Fast Car".

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Orv_F2HV4gk&feature=related]

And just 'cause I love her, here's another favorite:

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjRo_CHSdt0&feature=related]
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1536 I Don't Love You Anymore

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

[Apologies for using "they", plural, instead of "he or she", singular. Just trading one awkward construction for another slightly less awkward.]

I didn't change the channel after the noon news, so a soap opera was on. I don't watch soap operas, so I don't know which one this is, but it's the one with Greely, or Greenlee, or whatever her name is, and I overheard a woman on the show say to a man, "I don't love you anymore."

I've never understood that statement. If it's the same person, and you "don't love anymore", then it couldn't have been love in the first place.

I figure that if you get to see deeply enough into another person to love them (a romantic interest, a family member, a friend), then you love them forever. Love isn't a momentary or conditional thing. As long as what you saw and loved exists, then how can you not love that part? They may do something that distresses or hurts you, but if you know the person well enough to love them, the basic them, then you can understand and forgive, and keep on loving.

Of course, there's the case where you never really knew the person at all, and what you loved was a construct, a facade, and when you find the real person they're entirely different.

I suspect that sometimes people confuse "want" and "love". They want someone, want them in their life, and think that therefore they love them, so then when they don't want anymore, they think they don't love anymore.

Or maybe they do love someone, but when they figure out that they really aren't good for each other, or that they can't possibly live together or be too involved in each other's lives (and that happens a LOT), when they don't "want" them anymore, then they can't love them, either.

Well, you can. You should. You need to keep the good, and continue to love it, if perhaps from a distance.

I know someone who is having a problem with that now. Her father has been ill a lot lately, and it has affected his mind and personality, and not in a good way. He'd always been difficult to know, difficult to deal with, and now he's become more self-centered, annoying, and frustrating than ever. She is afraid she's losing charitable feeling toward him. She gets angry with him, and would like to just walk away, and then she gets angrier because he's causing her to feel this way.

I was very lucky with Jay. Even with half his brain gone, delusions and hallucinations, unreasonable demands and frustrating stubbornness, the core of him remained him, all the himness that I loved, and it was easy to continue to love him.

I don't know what to tell my friend.
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1196 Closed Doors

Friday, April 6, 2007
[Edit - fixed the date.]

Talking with Roman on the phone last night, I was telling him about the too-small house and how Daughter and Hercules need space between them sometimes, and he said, "Don't the rooms have doors?" Me, "Doors?" He, "You can go into a room and close the door."

I had an instant feeling of revulsion, which I did not express.

In my mind, there's an enormous difference between space between a couple, and a closed door between them. Space is respect. A closed door is rejection.

It seems to illustrate the difference between Roman and me.

Not to say he's wrong, or bad, it's just a different way of being, and I don't like it. I am pleased that the concept of closed doors doesn't come naturally to Daughter and Hercules.

Or me.
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#590 Singularity, Love, Weight, and the Rest of the Package

Yesterday, neighbor Anna asked for a ride to physical therapy. She said 8 am. I said that she should call me to make sure I was awake, and she said ok, she'd call me at 7:30. I said to make it 7. I set the alarm for 6:30 this morning, and it's a good thing I actually woke up and got moving then, because when Anna called at 7, she said the appointment was for 8, and I should pick her up at 7:30. Sheesh. If she knew that, why did she offer the wakeup call at 7:30? That wouldn't have been much help.

While she was doing her thing, I had breakfast in the hospital cafeteria. Scrambled eggs, bacon, tea, and an orange, for about $3. Not bad. I'm going to take her in on Tuesday and Thursday of next week, too.

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Today was weigh-in time at the spa. I have lost 4 lbs. since February 1st. I suspect I've actually lost more in fat, because I'm growing muscle, which is denser. We also measured at the bust, waist, tummy, hips, thigh, calf, and upper arm. Since last month I've lost an inch here, 3/4 inch there and there, a bit everywhere. So, I'm progressing.

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I wander around the internet sometimes, mostly following side trails off something I was researching, and sometimes I find interesting stuff. I hit the mother lode today - a site which consists entirely of pointers to neat stuff other people accidentally stumbled upon - http://touby.stumbleupon.com/

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Wandering around, I also discovered that Yahoo has an "Answers" section. You ask a question, and self-defined "experts" can offer answers, and then others can vote on what they think was the best answer. It strikes me as next to useless. It's like the "gullible" website. "You like this answer? Here, I'll give you another...."

The love and relationships answer section seems to be overrun by children. Children who can't spell, can't string words together coherently, and can't think. It's scary reading.

One question and answer intrigued me. The question was: "How can u tel wen sum one luvs u" (or something like that).

I was thinking my answer (in general, not just in romantic love) would be, "When someone is as concerned about your health, happiness, and welfare as they are about their own, or even more, when they are willing to give up things important to themselves for you, then they love you." That led me to thinking about love in my life, and by this definition, I have to conclude (and believe it or not, I'd never thought about it before quite so specifically) that my father definitely didn't love us at all, not the least bit, and my mother's love was minimal. I thought about that for a while.

Then I read this answer (copied verbatim):
(1) when he/she cares about you a lot
(2) cant take a long without seeing you
(3) telling you his/her secrets
(4) treats you special than other people
(5) follow your heart and mental mind to feel that and watch his/her talking, acts, and atitude towards you .

This kid has some trouble stringing words, but at least he/she can think (so there's hope). #2 is more infatuation than love, but I was thinking that the rest is pretty good. Then I applied it to my situation again. Hmmm. Problem in Paradise. He (my obsession of late) says he cares "a lot", but I'm not seeing it. It seems like he can go indefinitely without seeing me or calling. He doesn't tell me anything important to me, and he's got a lot of secrets. He doesn't treat me as more special than anyone else, in fact someone else seems to be the special one. If you throw all that away, then whatever is left for #5 is the only place he excels, usually but not always. He doesn't fit my own definition, either, in that he knows I'm hurting, but he's in no hurry to lessen the pain. I guess I don't believe he loves me at all. I just keep hoping he will. Someday. Sigh. I wonder how long I can keep that up.

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From The Singularity Institute for Artificial Intelligence, at http://www.singinst.org/ :
"What is the Singularity? Sometime in the next few years or decades, humanity will become capable of surpassing the upper limit on intelligence that has held since the rise of the human species. We will become capable of technologically creating smarter-than-human intelligence, perhaps through enhancement of the human brain, direct links between computers and the brain, or Artificial Intelligence. This event is called the "Singularity" by analogy with the singularity at the center of a black hole ...." It goes on to say that, essentially, once we achieve a certain level of technology such that we can enhance intelligence, then the advanced intelligence can advance technology further, and the two will feed each other, increasing each other exponentially. They're all excited about it.

Am I the only person whom this scares? The concept of super-intelligence without a corresponding increase in soul, compassion, love, and plain old common sense is scary. I mean 1950's A-bomb scary. Run to the bathroom scary. People are people. Imagine the nastiest person you know, or the most soulless corporation, or the military, or the I-know-what's-good-for-you-and-you-don't people, whatever, with this capability.

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This is long (118 pages), and not for the faint of heart, but I found it and feel a responsibility to share it. It's another view. Don't say I never gave you anything.

America For Sale: The Cost of Republican Corruption
A Congressional Report on How America Is Being Sold to the Highest Bidder
Prepared by the House Rules Committee Democratic Staff
The Honorable Louise M. Slaughter, Ranking Member

http://www.votelouise.com/page/file/
260225323712d4368c_pam6btw03.pdf/AmericaForSale.pdf