Saturday, May 17, 2008

1818 Freakout and Relationship Contract

Saturday, May 17, 2008

I about had a heart attack this evening. I went online to my bank account to check the balances, preparing to write a bunch of checks tomorrow. One of the lines in the list is my credit card with that bank, a Visa with a maximum of $10,000. I was expecting to see a balance owed on that card of about $700 or less.

Imagine my shock when I read a balance of over $9,356! No way! Ack!

Much running around, and shrieking, and dumping the purse to make sure I hadn't lost the card, and checking to make sure the previous payments had been credited, and tripping over cats that weren't moving fast enough, and searching for phone numbers, and trying to remember where I'd used it recently. Ack ack!

Then I took another look.

The bank had changed the format of the screen. $9,356 is the balance available.

Oh. Ne'mind.

Next thing you know I'll be locking my keys out of the car with me in it.


In a recent post, another blogger said, "Any couples therapist will tell you that the minute the initial contract of the relationship is breached, all bets are off. " (If the author wishes so, it can be claimed or linked in the comments.)

Anyway, that statement hit me hard, and I've been chewing it ever since.

I guess there are some things that are invisible until someone points them out, and then they're obvious. I'd never thought about this before, but yeah, it's suddenly obvious.

It explains what happened in some of my old failed relationships. It would even explain my observation that divorce so frequently follows breast cancer diagnoses. "She's supposed to provide the care and emotional support, and now she wants ME to? I can't. It's too hard. I didn't sign up for this."

That "initial contract" bothers me, because I doubt that anyone actually thinks about it until it's breached. Until you get to the "didn't sign up for this" stage. Couples don't discuss what they expect from each other, what their roles in the relationship are.

People grow and change, and things happen, and to maintain the initial contract you have to be aware of what clauses must be immutable, or be willing to change the contract. But to do any of that, you have to know what the contract IS.

I looked at my current relationship, and I really don't know what the contract is. I'd sure like to find out before anyone breaches it.


A related observation: Jay's brain cancer strengthened our relationship rather than hurting it, because it was obvious in our initial contract that I would mother him and take care of him and act as his interface to the world, even though neither of us ever said that.

1817 Graphic Novels and Hobbit Houses

Saturday, May 17, 2008

I'd heard of "graphic novels", mostly from young people. My reaction has been negative. A politically correct name for a longer comic book. Pablum for people who can't commit to or don't have the attention span or skills for reading a real book. Snort.

Well, I'd been hearing good things about Persepolis and Persepolis 2, by Marjane Satrapi, the story of her childhood and young adulthood in Iran during the Iranian Revolution and war with Iraq. There's the movie, and the graphic novels. I searched for the movie - not for sale yet. I gave up and bought the books.

You know how they say that a picture is worth a thousand words? The books are well written, with the thoughts, conversations, and some explanatory text, and the rest of the thousands of words are in the pictures. It works. And you can read one of them in an evening.

I also read her Embroideries, shorter and lighter, but amusing. (Although when you find out what's getting embroidered, it's not so amusing. It's flinch-worthy.)

So, ok, I relent, some graphic novels are worth picking up.


This house is so cute! Gypsy, you especially must see this!

I'd love to see the county code inspector's face, though....


A thought - if they did The Lord of the Rings as a graphic novel, maybe I'd be willing to make a fourth stab at it. (Hmmm. Maybe not. I had difficulty staying awake with the movies.)

1816 A Nice Day, with Mystery

Saturday, May 17, 2008

I got up early enough this morning to sort and put together a recycle load (the center closes at 1, but you have to get there early or the bins fill up). I figured I'd do the recycle thing, then a few other jobbies, then wash and change clothes in time to drive an hour plus down route 209 to join friends for dinner. I happened to check email before leaving for the recycle center, and discovered that it wasn't a dinner tonight, it was a lunch, in an hour and a half!

I got cleaned up and out the door in record time.

It was a beautiful day and a beautiful drive, and there were five of us at table, and therefore enjoyable, although I should have checked the online menu more carefully. Lunch cost me $50! Oh, well. The $7 pot of tea contained five cups, and I brought home a doggy bag....

One of the women at lunch is about Daughter's age, really nice, but a bit quirky. As we were leaving, she said to me "I want to get you alone some time." I said "Alone?" And she said "Yes. No one around." I don't know what that's about, but I'm curious. If there's something she wants to talk about, that's an odd way to phrase it.

There's a really good auction this evening, but I forgot to go to the preview last evening, and I know better than to go to an auction without having previewed, so that's a bit of a disappointment.

About an hour ago I went to the deli to buy cigarettes, and as I was pulling out, I saw a man getting out of his car to go in. He looked familiar to me, so I stopped, and he stood and stared at me, and then we recognized each other. Which shouldn't be hard, because except for the hair color, we both look a lot like we always did, but I was surprised to see him on this side of the river.

He's now the biggest realtor in this area. Very successful. Several offices and a commercial division. We started working for The Company at about the same time, about 40 years ago. It's funny because there's been a mild flirtation going on at about five year intervals for 40 years, but when he's "free", I'm not, and when I'm "free", he's not. The last time I saw him was at the auction of the contents of the Bob Guccione mansion three or four years ago (he handled the real estate sale), and he was with a woman who was acting very possessive then.

Judging from the tenor of the conversation today --- "Wow. You look really good!" saith he, twice, plus several "So what are you doing these days?" followed by my "Nothing, exactly what I like to do, nothing.", and then later another "So what are you doing these days?", three of them actually, which began to sound like a fishing expedition --- well, I'd guess he's free again, but I purposely didn't look at his left hand. 'Cause I'm not. Not exactly. (I wish I knew for sure what my status is, exactly.)

He was on his way to meet some of his salesmen about a commercial sale, or I'm sure there would have been an offer of coffee or a drink, but he gave me a number to call where I can catch him, he wants to send me information about an auction house in Pine Bush that he likes.

An interesting day, I guess. A few mysteries to follow up on.

Friday, May 16, 2008

1815 Roll On, Roll Off

Friday, May 16, 2008

Women often complain that their men don't put the toilet roll on the holder. He'll get a fresh roll out, but then it'll sit on the back of the john until she puts it on the holder.

Well, Jasper has discovered toilet paper. He's fascinated by everything bathroom, raptly watches the water swirl down the toilet, tries to splash all the water out of the tub, peers into the shower when I turn it on, finds my bushing my teeth enormously entertaining, and then one day he discovered toilet paper can be grabbed and pulled into the bedroom, where it can be torn into tiny bits all over Mommy's bed.

So the last time the paper ran out (thanks, Jasper) I didn't put the new roll on the holder.

And you know what? It's easier to use when it's loose.

I guess whether it's easier or not depends on whether you fold it for use or wad it. I'm a folder. When it's on the holder, I have to pull off a length, then fold it in half a few times. When it's loose, I pick it up with one hand, wrap the length zip zip around the other hand, and bam, it's folded and ready to go!

And when Jasper or Miss Thunderfoot makes gack noises on the bed (their favorite place), instead of tearing off a length, I can easily grab the whole roll and rip off a length as I run.

It may never go back on the holder.

1814 Business Opportunity; Buffets

Friday, May 16, 2008

I don't travel a lot, but I've flown enough lately to see a few business opportunities that no one has jumped on, and I don't know why.

First it was the cigarette lighters. Many were discarded on the way in. People coming out wanted them. I don't understand why there weren't kids collecting them at the gates, and then selling them for a few cents at the baggage carousels.

Then it was the lotions and gels. Why weren't the stores in the airports selling three to six days supplies of shampoo, conditioner, etc., so people who weren't particular could simply not pack any, and then buy a small bottle, just enough for their stay, at their destination?

Now it's checked baggage. Some airlines are charging for every bag you check. Wouldn't it be nice if you didn't have to pack clothes? What if you could buy inexpensive clothes at the destination, and throw them away or sell them back before you go home? Or rent clothes?

Back in the late sixties there was a short-lived paper clothing fad. I've actually worn paper clothing, and my mother, who was very fashion and quality conscious, owned a few paper dresses, tops, and pants. They were fun. They felt every bit as soft as fabric. You "hemmed" them by cutting off the excess. You could repair tears with plain tape. They could be washed a few times. And if you didn't know, it wasn't easy to tell.

Here's some links:

I think an airport store selling paper clothes (the modern paper should be even better than what we had in the '60s) could clean up!


Dinner last night was at a Chinese buffet with about 40 different selections. When I eat out these days I rarely eat everything I'm served. I doggy bag about half, and it provides two more meals at home. But at the buffet dinners, I'll load my plate three times, and I eat every bit of it.

We got into a discussion last night as to why.

I think it's because all of it is so good, I want to taste everything. So I take a tiny bit of each thing. Really tiny bits. Like of the General Tso's chicken, I search for the smallest pieces of meat, and take two. Two tiny bits of Cajun chicken. Two bits of beef and three stalks of broccoli. One small scoop of the noodles. One small dumpling. Two of those cream cheese and crab rangoons (two 'cause I love them best). And so on for 40 things. It adds up, but it doesn't kick off the "I'm full" because they all taste different.

As one of the ladies pointed out, when I get halfway though a steak or baked potato, or serving of whatever green, I'm bored with the taste, and then I am more likely to hear the "Ok, that's enough for now".

Sigh. Save me from buffets.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

1813 Meeting Men

Thursday, May 15, 2008

I'm not looking for a man right now, thank goodness, but I'm aware of another young lady who is, and there doesn't seem to be anyone available and suitable among her immediate acquaintances. She asked how one goes about meeting guys.

I've been thinking about it. That's a hard one.

A year and a half ago when I wanted to meet men, lots of people had lots of suggestions, none of which were very helpful.

Internet dating.
Suitable. Suitable is a requirement. I met lots of men, but none of them were suitable. Maybe with exactly the right profile, and maybe with "winking" at every guy who seemed sane, maybe eventually it would have worked (Daughter met Hercules through, but I think the field is much more fertile for younger people than for my age group. Some of the guys I met were very emotionally damaged, and very desperate.

Church activities.
I'm sure that one might meet some very nice guys at church activities, but do I want a guy who's big on church activities? Uh, no, not especially.

Sierra Club, and Mohonk "singles' hikes", ski club, etc.
I'm sure one would meet healthy guys there, but do I want a guy who's seriously into hiking or skiing? Uh, no. Walking in the woods, yes. Hiking, no. Skiing, hell no. Besides, on the few singles hikes I went on, the only single guys were with dates.

Volunteering, Habitat for Humanity, etc.
I had high hopes for that one, especially Habitat. A guy big on volunteerism would be fine, and liking working with his hands is nice. Unfortunately, most of the people I've met through volunteering have been female. The few single males were downright nasty or decrepit.

Single men my age don't go to bars alone unless they're alcoholics.

Folk dancing groups.
Probably lively men, but unlikely to be single, unless they're REALLY into folk dancing, and, uh, I'm not all that sure about a man my age who's really into folk dancing.

Ballroom dancing class.
Yeah, sure. The only men there were dragged in by women, and there were more women than men.

Community parties and small business networking.
This was one of the more likely areas. There were some suitable single men, and there were some possibilities there. But the competition was fierce and potentially vicious.

And so on.

I've concluded that you can't look at it as finding where there might be men in general. You have to first define what a suitable man is like, and where he's likely to be, and then go there.

A man I'd likely find suitable is unlikely to be a hiker, or skier, or dancer, or churchy guy, so there's no point in my looking there.

I'd need to join the local computer club. I find the topics boring, I wouldn't be there for myself, but it's more likely to have suitable single men.

About 1 in 100 men in Mensa are likely to be suitable, and luckily, I met one. Very lucky, in fact, since that was the first and only gathering he'd ever attended, and having attended a second with me, he swears he'll never go to another. So, there are suitable Mensa men, but they're rarely found through Mensa (Catch 22).

In conclusion, it's just like hunting. Standing around in a field is accepting any skunk or possum that comes along. If you're after big game, define your prey, figure out where it's likely to be found, then go there.

Don't forget to bait your trap.

1812 Frustration

Thursday, May 15, 2008

I chose to plant the lilies Tuesday because it was supposed to rain yesterday, and I can't water them otherwise, so that would be ideal.

It didn't rain yesterday.

It's supposed to rain today.

It isn't raining.


1811 Bush Blast

Thursday, May 15, 2008, about 1 am.

If you're a Bush fan, hit "back" now.

The Man alerted me to a Keith Olbermann MSNBC broadcast a few hours ago. The transcript and video are at I strongly recommend that you watch the video. It's pretty powerful.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

1810 I've Been Tagged...

Wednesday, May 14, 2008 Becs (tagged by Becs, that is).

What were you doing five years ago?
Let's see, that would be 2003? Jay died at the end of 2001, in 2002 I was busy taking classes, redecorating the house, settling the estate (did it mostly myself), volunteering with the emergency squad, and other stuff. In 2003 I crashed and burned. I sat and stared at the wall, and bought thousands of dollars worth of online stuff I didn't need, just so I could get "gifts" in the mail, and I began the 45 pounds I gained over the next two years.

What are five things on your to-do list for today (not in any particular order)?
Well, today's almost over, so we'll try tomorrow:
. Go to the PO and return a shawl. The store sent me the wrong one.
. Wash the dishes.
. Buy weed spray, and, if it's not raining, spray.
. Sort clothing, store winter stuff.
. Go to dinner with friends.

What are five snacks you enjoy?
. Popcorn with lots of butter and salt.
. Potato chips with bacon-horseradish dip.
. Spaghetti with butter, salt, pepper, and romano.
. Grits with butter, salt, pepper, and romano.
(Hmmm. There's a pattern developing.)
. Trail mix, the nuts and dried fruit kind.
. Sunflower or pumpkin seeds.
. Coffee flavored yogurt.
. Peanut butter cookies.
... only five?

What five things would you do if you were a billionaire?
I don't know. I feel like one is pressured into grand philanthropic plans, distributing it here and there. But giving a wad of money, except for disasters and emergencies, usually comes to a bad end. If you invest a million wisely, you'll get an ongoing income of between 40 and 70K a year, and the principal should also increase (faster with the lower beginning income), thereby increasing the income every year. So I'd find 997 people and charities, and set up 1M trusts for each of them. The last 3M I'd keep for me. That's more than enough. I myself probably wouldn't do much differently. A maid, maybe. A nice house in a nice place.

What are five of your bad habits?
. I am a rotten housekeeper.
. I buy too many books, shoes, and clothes.
. I'd rather not eat than cook.
. I ignore deadlines and due dates.
. I am addicted to the internet.
I've got lots more....

What are five places where you have lived?
Backward from here:
. Highland, NY
. Gaithersburg, MD
. Ballwin, MO
. Ruby, NY
. Schwenksville, PA
The full list is more than 30 places long.

What are five jobs you’ve had?
. Retired!!!!
. Mother and suburban housewife.
. Within The Company - software tester, programmer, customer software rep, system design, legal support.
. Classroom teacher, mathematics.
. Restaurant bus girl.

What five people do you want to tag?
You, you, and, uh, you. You and you, too. If you recognize yourself in there, have at it.

1809 Graf - Muto


1808 Daylilies

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Yesterday I went to Poughkeepsie with my trowel, shovel, and garden fork (not sure that's the right name - it's like a pitchfork, but with a shorter handle and stronger tines), to dig up some daylilies.

I'd had an email response to my request on Ecycle. The woman said she wanted them out so she could plant a shrub in that spot, so I should take them all. She gave me her address, a description of the house, and the location of the daylily bed. She said she'd be at work every day, but I could come and get them any time.

On the drive there, I got a little worried. What if this email was actually from someone else, as a joke or retaliation, and the owner would come home from work and find a hole where her beloved lilies had been? So I tried knocking on neighbors' doors, but no one was home.

I started digging. I half expected a police car to pull up and a cop to ask me what I was doing.

It was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I just pushed the fork in, and the whole mass levered up. I had been a bit disappointed that the patch was only about 22 by 18 inches, but it was very dense, and when I separated the plants, I ended up with well over 100 sets. Wow! Given the price the local nursery is asking for potted lilies, that's more than $600 dollars worth!

I spent the late afternoon planting them on my bank/cliff. That was WORK! Much of the bank is a shale-like rock. I know there's some soil there, because there are weeds (that's why I wanted the lilies, eventually they'll choke out the weeds) but much of that soil is shale. I had to dig about 200 holes before I found enough good spots for lily sets. When I finished I was drained.

I was standing there holding a trowel and the plastic garbage bag the sets had been in, admiring the plants, when a police car pulled up and a cop asked me what I was doing. "Everything ok?" Local guy. I've bought him coffee in the diner. He was just passing. He probably wonders why I found his question funny.

I felt like I'd pulled off the perfect "bank" robbery, having just buried the swag.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

1807 Free Stuff

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

I mentioned the local "free stuff exchange" Yahoo group. This is the list I received this morning. There will be two or three lists like this every day. I've listed and given away a king sized mattress, many bags of plastic peanuts and packing materials, and a few other things.

1. Wanted: fleece for spinning
2. wanted- any thomas the trains
3a. Wanted: Computer
4. Wanted: desk for girl's room
5. WANTED: In Rosendale, old red bricks
6. TAKEN: 35mm Point-and-Shoot Camera in Red Hook
7. OFFER: Elmo and Ernie Dolls- Rosendale
8. OFFER: Baby Stuff- Rosendale
9. OFFER: Girls jeans and capris size 8 1/2 in Hyde Park
10. Wanted: Highchair C/O Pok
11. PROMISED: Toddler Pool w/Pump & Cover
12. wanted : Boys clothes size 12
13. TAKEN Oster Kitchen Center in Saugerties
14. WANTED URGENT! - Dog costume for 6 year old
15. Wanted: two kittens or young cats
16. WANTED: Burning Bush, Yellow Magnolia or Golden Chain Tree
17. Wanted: Double Stroller - C/O Pok
18. Offer: Poughquag-36" lawn sweeper
19. Offer: Poughquag-40 feet of metal "Wiremold"
20. Offer: Poughquag- lattice
21. Offer: Poughquag-perf pipe
22. Needed: Old working crock-pot
23. WANTED: Patio furniture, girls summer clothes size 10
24. REOFFER: Weight Bench
25. OFFER: Full Size Foam Mattress

The preferred headers are Wanted, Offer, Promised, Taken, and ReOffer (when the item was promised but not taken). I've listed Wanteds for daylilies and lawn flamingos. I've got responses on both, will be digging up some daylilies today. A woman in Poughkeepsie wants to clear out a lily bed to put in some flowering bushes, so we both win.

(P.S. The links in the list are into my Yahoo mail, so they won't work for you.)

Monday, May 12, 2008

1806 Thud

TV. TMZ ? (whatever that is, it's just on by default, you know?). Some minor celebrity is blocking traffic to pose for photos. Reporter remarks that she was there for a long time, what "felt like a lightyear".

Um, a lightyear is a measure of distance, not time.


1805 Dread

Monday, May 12, 2008

There's a woman I see occasionally at dance functions who wears dreadlocks. They suit her well. I saw her Saturday at a drum workshop, and she had them tied up, and decorated with bits of things, including a safety pin. I was amused.

It got me wondering how dreads are made, how they're maintained, does it hurt the hair, all kinds of questions. So I spent a portion of today learning about them and looking at lots of pictures.

I've decided the dreads I like best are the long thin smooth ones that it seems like only black folks' hair can make. They are actually mostly twists, using the natural corkscrew tendency of the hair, like this guy's:

(That's Eric, and he has some cool stuff on YouTube.)

I don't much care for the very thick and matted looking ones, like the guy on the right.

Unfortunately, most hair, especially straight or merely wavy or loosely curly hair, needs to be teased into the dreads, and that's what contributes to the matted look.

My hair is an odd texture. It's very fine, has no weight, and even though it looks mostly straightish or wavy, it's actually crinkly. If you've ever handled theatrical crepe hair, that's the texture of my hair. I can take a lock and twist the length of it, let go, and it will stay twisted all day.

If I wanted to, I could probably make twisted "unlocked" (i. e. false) dreads all over my head. Except that my arms would get very tired. I'd have to get someone to do it for me.


What a waste of a day.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

1804 Gasoline Thoughts

Sunday, May 11, 2008

I just made a quick run into the village to mail some stuff, and noticed that the gas prices have gone up again. Saturday afternoon I paid $3.89/gal. This evening it ranges from $3.93 to $3.99.

There was a comment on the news a few days ago that more and more people have been using credit cards to pay for gas. The theory was that folks prefer to put off paying as long as possible. I don't think that's the reason. Not entirely, anyway.

I've been mostly paying with a credit card lately, and I pay my entire credit card bills every month, so it has nothing to do with using credit or spreading payments. I do it because more and more stations require that you go inside and pay BEFORE you pump, and I find that a royal pain. I don't know what the total will be, and I'm not going to hand them a handful of money without a receipt, and I don't like having to go back in for change, and I don't like the pump cutting off before the tank is full. So, I use the credit card. It's faster and easier.

The news report went on to say that the use of credit cards is putting smaller gas stations out of business because the credit card companies eat the profit.

Now, this I checked out with two local station owners, and it appears to be accurate, or at least "that's their story and they're sticking to it". The stations make a profit of about $.12 per gallon, regardless of what the pump price is. The credit card companies charge 3% on every purchase. So if you buy a gallon of gas at $4 per gallon, and put it on a credit card, the credit card company charges $.12 to process that purchase, and the station has no profit on the sale. The stations actually have a higher profit when the price is lower. A price over $4 and an increasing use of credit cards spells doom.

Tall Dark 'n Handsome says that they have one or two "drive offs" per day, every day, and they're a small station in a small village, and one of the few that don't require prepayment, because they don't want to anger customers or pay credit card charges. I always pay cash there because I don't have to prepay. They may have to start requiring prepayment, because the driveoffs are likely to increase, and they can't withstand that. They're stuck between a rock and a hard place.

And that's why, when the price of a future delivery is going to go up, the stations will raise their price on the gas already in the ground in anticipation.

So now I have a moral dilemma. Knowing this, do I continue to use a credit card at prepay stations? Doing so might lead to fewer gas stations, and less market competition.

1803 Daylilies

Sunday, May 11, 2008

You don't fall in love with a person. You fall in love with the way you feel when you're with that person.


I've been watching for orphan daylilies along the roads, and feeling discouraged, when I remembered the HudsonValleyEcycle Yahoo group. You can subscribe to the group, and list anything that you want to give away, or anything that you're looking for. The only rules are that they must be legal, free, and not taken for resale. (I don't know how they can enforce that last bit....)

I looked, and sure enough, someone had listed daylilies she wants dug up. I contacted her, and someone had already indicated they'd take them, but she'll get back to me if they don't.

Then I put up my own "Wanted - daylilies" posting, and within minutes I was contacted by a woman whose daylily patch needs thinning. I replied, and now I'm waiting to hear when it will be convenient for me to stop by.

Wow. Cool. Free!

1802 Bits

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Bertrand Russell: "The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt."


Jay's father died yesterday. I was having a late lunch with Daughter when Jay's eldest sister called to tell me. I feel guilty, because I was planning to go to Rochester to see him today. I was sure that he'd have at least a few more days.

That sureness came from my own arrogance. All my life people close to me who were on the way out have waited for me before they went. I feel a call, I go, I hold their hand, we talk, I tell them it's ok, and then they leave easily, while I'm holding them. It's happened so often I began to feel like that was my role, to ease the passage. Jay's father had told me many times that he found me the easiest to talk to, and in the past few years he often cried when we talked, cried about all the abilities he was losing and all that had been taken from him. He couldn't cry before anyone else.

I am comforted by the thought that Jay was with him. Of the living, his two youngest daughters and one of the caretakers were there (not the most calm group of people). The eldest daughter told me that they're still not sure that he'd had strokes, because scans showed nothing, but he had severe weakness on his left side, so that's what they assumed. I pointed out to her that that's the same side Jay had lost. Yeah, I think Jay was there, has been for a while, perhaps even pulling him.

I met up with Daughter and Hercules yesterday at a geocaching flash mob in a NJ park, after which they took me to find a nearby cache they thought would amuse me. It was right out in the open, at the base of a tree in the woods near the dog park. The owner of the cache had made a brown cement cast of her dog's poop, hollowed out underneath to hold the log book. I took one look, yelled "Raccoon poop!" and ran the other direction.

Daughter and Hercules laughed, but didn't explain it to the other cachers. I guess we don't want to start a panic, eh?

For Mothers' Day, Daughter gave me an essay, in her own handwriting, on what she loves about where she lives, and Hercules gave me a container of his own recipe peanut butter cookies. This was exactly what I wanted.

I had spent Friday evening with the man, sent him off on Saturday morning to visit his mother - a 10-12 hour drive.

I still don't understand the attraction. When I'm not with him, I wonder what I'm doing, and why. Why am I wasting time on something that I don't see as ever being anything more than what it is now. There's so much against this ... whatever it is, and I'm fully aware of that, and I'm too old to waste time. And yet, since the first time he touched me, I've had no interest in any other man, real or ideal. When I'm with him, I don't care about all the negatives, all the differences. I adore his mind, the way he sees so clearly. I find the timbre of his voice exciting, deep and slightly rough. He's technically not handsome, but when I see him I see handsome, I see beauty, I love his face, his body, the way he moves. I love sitting across a table from him.

I wish I could see the future.