Friday, May 11, 2007

1242 Taking My Rotten Chest to Rochester

Friday, May 11, 2007

I am so sick. Miserable. We're in the "coughing so hard I wet my pants" stage now. Last night Miss Thunderfoot was so worried about me she kept patting my hand every time I managed to fall asleep. (Thank you for your concern sweet kitty, but sleep is a GOOD thing....) I can't believe I have to drive to Rochester, a six-hour trip, tomorrow.

Calling Jay's eldest sister and telling her I have to cancel because I'm sick is simply NOT an option. Two of Jay's three sisters don't like me, I don't know why, and the third, the eldest, does at least think I was very good for Jay, but she has the kind of management personality that will not accept "no" as an answer for anything she wants, and she can get bitchy. She can be maddening.

So telling them I'm sick won't fly. I'll have to go and show them that I shouldn't be there but cared enough to make the effort.

A nice neat package of virus. Perfect gift for the father-in-law's 90th birthday. I'll stick a bow on my nose.

I'll go to the party at the church, and a backyard picnic, but I probably shouldn't go into his house.

I haven't been out of my house all week, so I haven't got a card or gift, either. I'll have to do that this evening, which means going across the river to the mall. Most of today has been spent waiting for the yearly visit from the furnace cleaning guy, and I'm already tired. I have NO ideas for a gift. What do you get a 90-year-old who has everything, can't see well, can't hear well, has no interests, no short-term memory, and flakes out by 4 pm every day anyway? He won't notice if I get him nothing, but the sisters will.

I want to "call in sick", and not just because of the cold.

1241 Four non-PC Jokes to Offend Everyone

Friday, May 11, 2007

Three minute management lesson:

Lesson One:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings? replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients. "

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


Jokes to offend everyone

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan .

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t...."

Why is there no Disneyland in Japan ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.


A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."


The Top 17 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped:

You've got Windows on your laptop.
Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
Your dork is ajar.
Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
I can see your Gap dancers.
Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
Elvis Junior has left the building!
Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, sir.
Captain, sensors detect a wormhole in the forward quadrant!
Lil' Shaq's at the free show line.
You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
Your closet door is open and Donato's peeking out.
You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
I see you have an opening in senior management.

and the Number 1 Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped...
Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

1240 Cold Progress

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Cold has gone from "wet" to "dry" phase. Dry throat, dry burning nose, heavy cough with nastiness.

Time to move from decongestant to expectorant? This is another time I miss Jay. He always told me what to take, and he was always right.

I just hope it doesn't go into my sinuses. That hurts, and lasts so long.

1239 Shout Out

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Hey Lady! Yeah, you. The one who turned comments off. You got awfully cryptic there, so I don't know exactly what's going on, but it's so very different from your optimism and pride of only a short time ago.

You got stomped? From one direction, or more than one?

Since I know none of the details, any comment I'd make is probably worthless. But One Thing I have learned is that when something goes wrong, especially in a work or social relationship, it is seldom the sole fault of only one of the parties. Almost always, the other person has problems, too, that make it difficult or impossible for them to ... whatever ... regardless of what you are or say or do, even if you were perfect. Everyone has limitations.

So please don't beat yourself up. You are intelligent, capable, strong, pretty, gentle, appreciative of beauty, honest .... fill in the blanks. And when there's a problem with another person, you MUST NOT ACCEPT ALL THE BLAME!! They have some fault, too.

Get mad, and get even by finding happiness without them.
(Yeah! Take that, Roman!)

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

1238 Sick

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Sick. Cotton chest, fire throat, pounding head, torrent nose, knotted muscles. Misery. No museum today. Long hot bubble bath.

1237 Thank You

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

This is an open letter of thanks to The Queen.

If you hadn't written the post about the BNL cruise, I would not have had an excuse to contact The Man after the NJ Mensa gathering where I met him, and where he casually mentioned having been on that cruise. The opportunity would have been lost.

Except for his amazing mind, he's completely 180 degrees in every way from what I thought I was looking for in a man, but I'm discovering that, just as in programming, your requirements document doesn't always describe what you really want or need.

Even if this doesn't work out in the long run (I'm being cautious) I've enjoyed the past two months enormously,


thank you sincerely for the introduction, and for restoring confidence and hope.


Tuesday, May 08, 2007

1236 Not a Museum Day

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

I planned to go in to the museum today to attempt to beat the membership data base into submission, but the Hairless Hunk arrived to work the side yard some more, so I used that as an excuse to stay home. I'll take any excuse.

Besides, I developed a hot spot in my throat last night, and today it's a full-blown sore throat. Bleck.

It really hurts now, because I spent the last 2 1/2 hours on the phone. The Man, then Daughter, then Roman.

At least I remembered to hit the "record" button for Boston Legal.

I can watch it tomorrow while I'm lying in bed choking on strep.

1235 Language Skills

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Carl Sagan once said, "It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English -- up to fifty words used in correct context -- no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese."

Perhaps because dolphins didn't insist, or are rotten teachers.

I know dozens of words in "cat". I don't speak it well, but I understand it.

Sometimes I think my life depends on getting it right.

Monday, May 07, 2007

1234 Home Again

Monday, May 7, 2007

Tired. Three days behind on everything. Rochester next weekend, for Jay's father's 90th birthday. Laundry to do before then. Sigh.

I left a hotel in Edison, NJ, this morning, drove all the way to Suffern, NY, stopped at the first rest stop on the Thruway for ladies' room and tea, and realized I'd left my robe in the hotel room. I WANT that robe. I knew if I didn't get it back before the cleaning crew left, I'd never see it again.

The robe was a gift, and I took it with me specifically as a kind of exorcism. Which point would be lost if I then lost the robe. I couldn't allow it to escape.

Frantic phone calls (I didn't know exactly what exit to take off 287 to find the hotel, and I didn't have the phone number for the hotel). Had to go all the way to Harriman before I could get turned around on the Thruway, back to Edison. They still had my robe, although I had to argue to get it. The woman at the desk insisted I had been in a room on the first floor, and I insisted it was the second floor. I distinctly remember the flippin' elevator! She made me actually take her to the room. Then she finally found the robe in a bag with the room number on it, in the lost-n-found basket. The Man had made three calls to the hotel, asking about the robe, before I even got there - you'd think she'd have looked before arguing with me.

Briefly considered going south to visit Daughter, but it was 2 pm ish then, and I'd have to wait for her to get off work. Gave it up. Turned around again and headed back home. Stopped in Suffern again, finally got my tea. It was so hot and the "medium" was so large, it took me almost an hour to drink it. Got home at 5 pm.


The driving wasn't the problem. Driving is not tiring. Not sleeping well three nights in a row is tiring.

Habitat called this evening. I've committed to insulation and drywall on Tuesdays in May, starting on the 15th. I wonder if I'd have committed to that if I weren't tired.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

1233 Spring Caravan

Saturday, May 5, 2007

It's a hair after midnight, but I'm still considering it Saturday. Posting from the host hotel for the Rakkasah Spring Caravan.

I got about 2 hours sleep last night (Friday night). I wanted to get to Somerset, NJ, by 2:00 pm, Willow was dancing at 2:37 pm, so I'd have to leave the house by a little before noon at the latest, so I'd have to get up by 10 am to take care of everything I'd have to do before leaving. Shouldn't have been a problem, except that at 3:30 am I decided I really needed the underskirt for the Assuit dress I want to wear Sunday, and it needed hemming. When I finally got to bed I was so worried about oversleeping that I couldn't fall asleep. Finally got to sleep about 8 am, and then - of course - slept through the alarm.

I flew around the house, and got out at 12:15 pm, and stopped by the bank ATM for money. The guy in line ahead of me took forever and didn't seem to do anything. When I was my turn, the ATM took my card, asked all the correct questions, then said thank you and gave me my card back. No money. So I had to go into the bank. Turns out the guy ahead of me had the same problem.

Now, I figure the cashier has to do two things: 1) find out if the ATM debited my account, and if so, cancel that transaction, and 2) gimme the money.

Instead, the cashier decided to find out what was wrong with the ATM and try to fix it. Agh! I don't have time for this! Gimme the money!

I didn't leave the village until 1 pm ish. This gave me 1.5 hours for a 2 hour trip. (Mapquest says 2 hrs 12 minutes, 135 miles.)

Now, I don't much speed. If the sign says 55, I do 55. Maybe 57 if I'm in a hurry, and I feel guilty about that. Today I did 80 in a 55 zone on an interstate limited-access highway (and if anyone in law enforcement is reading this, uh, I made that part up for the sake of the story). I made it in time to see Willow dance, with literally 2 minutes to spare. (So Mapquest must be wrong, because using their figures, I had to AVERAGE 90 mph.)

Spring Caravan is a bit different from the fall Rakkasah East, because this one is billed as Tribal Fusion. It's a different crowd, and a different style on the stage. I like it better.

As usual, I spent a bunch of money. I bought a beaded purse, some sheer beledi dresses, a dress similar to my purple SCA dress that looks so good on me, but in black and a smaller size, and some silver and stone (lapis, carnelian) necklace pendants. I can't feel guilty, because the prices are much much lower here than you'd find anywhere else. $40 for a caftan you'd pay $70 for online. $20 for beaded shawls you'd pay $50 for elsewhere. Last year I bought a cut velvet beaded and fringed opera coat for $50, and saw the exact same coat in an uptown Kingston store for $120. I would come to Rakkasah just to shop.

Sixteen of us went out for dinner, overwhelmed a Ruby Tuesday, "Do you have reservations?', "Uh, no, but it's only 4:30, you can't be that busy...." Back for more performances after dinner. Something funny - as Willow was getting up from the table, her fingers got pinched between two chairs. The general reaction was, "Oh well, it's ok, who cares, you've already danced."

Party in the hotel bar after the show paused for the night. Dance floor full of belly dancers. Djinn played. Every male who had a drum joined in. One group of women started up an ATS group on the lower floor, group improv via hand signals, and that was fun to watch. Usual Rakkasah prices did not apply - my one Amaretto on the rocks was $10.43.

Thence to bed.