Saturday, January 07, 2006

#511 Onward!

Well, I responded to the anonymous attorney's wink, and he responded to my email (through the dating site, so there's no personal information attached), and he sent me his telephone number and asked me to call.

Being me, I did a reverse search on the phone number, and guess what? I now have his full name and home address, and he really IS an attorney in private practice in Poughkeepsie. I have no fear of meeting him now. (Except for the fact that he wants "unique beauty and class". Well, I'm certainly unique. Class? Snort!)

And you're not going to believe this coincidence - his home is next door to where Roman once lived. I doubt they have met, but lemme tellya, that totally freaked me out.

I haven't called yet. I'm a little nervous about it. I'm not very good at cold conversation.

Friday, January 06, 2006

#510 Taking the Next Step

I released my online dating profile on a major site last night. I've already received a "wink" from a lawyer in Poughkeepsie. This could be fun.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

#509 The Healing Begins.

Ok, now I'm mad.

He probably thinks his nose is clean because he never made any commitments to me, and made it clear that he was not in commitment mode. Although he signed his cards "With Love", he told me he loved me only twice, and then he was careful to add "but not as much as you want". He said things like "I didn't want to say it because you would make more of it than it is." So he probably thinks he was clear and definite. Aboveboard. Never misled me.

Is he really unaware that actions speak louder than words? All those times when it was so obvious that he was truly happy to see me? When I got buried in huge hugs? All the kisses on the top of my head in public places? All that pressing against cars in restaurant parking lots when we were going home separately after a dinner? The "with love" cards? The times when we had a bad spot, and the next time he saw me he'd rush to me and wrap me in his arms, and say he'd been worried about me? When he tried to make my birthday special (which incidentally, is the day after hers, near the end of October)? All those sweet sweet kisses? When I said goodbye to him at the airport in August (two separate sets of goodbyes), when he held me like he was reluctant to leave, and others there thought we were having such great difficulty tearing ourselves away from each other? When he held my thigh possessively when we sat next to each other in restaurants and at Mensa events, until I asked him not to? The time he teleported himself across a classroom because he thought I might be ill? When he seemed to need and appreciate my love? Does he really think that meant nothing to me? I was aware he had been emotionally battered over the past few years. I naturally assumed he was just being cautious. He kept telling me that he wanted to know "the real me", that he didn't want me to show one side and then change later. Another indication to me that he was being cautious, but was truly interested in me.

So no, he wasn't being clear and definite. He was being devious and cruel. And it was very unfair of him to put me in the position he ultimately did, which guaranteed he'd see my worst side, the jealousy, anger, frustration, and bitterness, and then judge me on that. Especially since she doesn't know about me, so she's still all sweetness. Very unfair. (I'm willing to bet that she sensed his attention drifting back in the beginning, and became sweeter to pull him back.)

Another thing to be angry about is that a few weeks ago, I asked him that if we ever decided not to "see" each other again, that we talk about it in person, not by email or telephone. He said of course, that he would owe me at least that courtesy, that consideration. Those were just about his exact words. He reacted like it was a given. Like how could I think he'd do otherwise. So how did he tell me that he wants to "take a break"? By telephone. So much for courtesy and consideration "owed". He owes me a lot more than that! (Heh. Maybe this means we're not really parting ways, huh? Just a recess, maybe, because he hasn't made it official by saying it in person? Bull poopy.)

In the previous entry I mentioned a friend who had told me about the other woman in mid-October. Another friend who was concerned about me had him investigated, and although this person gave me no details then, just dropped a lot of hints, I was very strongly warned against involvement with him. That was late October, when he was still romancing me, and I couldn't believe otherwise. I guess I have some people around me who care. (On the other hand, friends warned me against Jay, too, and their fears proved groundless.)

And yes, I did go back for the details, later. When it hurt too much not knowing for sure. And I didn't tell Roman all I knew. I needed to hear it from him. So I kept things from him, too, but ironically it was the same things he was keeping from me.

There's one more thing. Among all these facts, this one thing, a mere suspicion, supported by absolutely nothing, hurts the most and makes me most angry. I had brought home two soft purple teddy bears from Daughter's birthday party, and I gave one of them to him. He said he'd never had a teddy bear before and seemed tickled. He put it on top of the microwave, right next to his back door. It was there during my next three visits or so, and then it disappeared. He says he has no idea what happened to it, that perhaps a guest of his housemate had taken it. Or maybe he took it upstairs to his room and misplaced it. The housemate, when asked, said he noticed it was missing one day, too, but that he didn't see how anyone could have taken it. Well, the date it disappeared coincides pretty neatly with what I later found out to be her birthday. The day before mine. The thought that he may have given the bear to her hurts. The idea that I would actually suspect him of that hurts even more to admit. He mostly didn't tell me the whole truth about a lot of things, but at least he never actually lied to me either. The suspicion that he may have lied about this hurts most of all, because then I have to wonder if I ever knew him at all. I gave him a piece of me. I don't want him giving her a piece of me. I want that bear back.

Why am I putting this into a public journal?

Because, if given the opportunity, I may backslide. And if I am tempted, I need to know that you, my friends and family, will slap me soundly upside the head. Repeatedly, if necessary.

#508 Taking a Break

Well, Roman and I are "taking a break". Of course, we know what that really means.

This came out of a phone conversation last night. He brought it up, but I wasn't at all surprised. I had pushed a lot of buttons Monday and Tuesday that I knew I shouldn't have, and for the first time ever I craved cigarettes while I was with him. That means that whatever morphine-related chemical he had been generating in my brain wasn't getting generated any more. I still have very warm and soft feelings for him (especially when I see his smile), but I'm tired of the anger and frustration, the half-truths, the crumbs of time. I'm tired of feeling like a mistress to a married man. I'm tired of feeling second-best. I had told him on Monday that I wasn't looking for anything more for us, even if it didn't work out with the other woman, because I would always feel like second best with him.

I still love him, but it's a standing-away kind of love. I wish him love and happiness in his future, but I don't think he's ever going to find what he wants, needs, and deserves. He knows there's something important missing in his relationship with the other woman, but I guess he thinks it can still happen. After 3 years? He dreams. And one day he will wake up and realize that, and it will be too late to get out of it. I think he's the kind of guy who can't leave one woman until he has another all lined up, and this means he goes from hasty choice to hasty choice, and suffers all over again. But he has to make his own choices, and live with them. I can accept that. That is his fate. Only he can change it.

What amazes me is that I am so calm about it. I haven't cried, and I haven't wanted to. Not ten minutes after he and I ended our call, Jay's eldest sister called, and I told her the whole story. I've always been able to talk with her. It was a very fortunate call. It allowed me to decompress. I even slept well last night.

I admit I am still very angry with him for the way he "rushed" me through late July, August, September, and October. The romance and affection were extreme. A whirlwind. I was very susceptible because there had been no one since Jay, and because I already knew him and knew that I liked him and admired his mind.

He even went through that phase of new love, where you convince yourself and your partner that "this is fate, it was always meant to be", when he told me over and over how he remembered me from a chance meeting in the early 80s, had often thought of me, and then had transferred into my department in the early 90s because he saw my name on the organization chart, and had wanted to get to know me better, but was disappointed when I was so involved with Jay then. Crap like that can turn a gal's head. And bend her heart near to breaking. And the kicker is that the whole time he was romancing me, he was still working on the other woman. THAT's the stinking part.

A friend who knows her, and knew about her and him, told me in mid-October all about her and what was going on, mid-October when I was falling very hard for him, but I thought then that it was old news. That it was pretty much off. It wasn't until he confessed to me in November that I realized that it really truly was still going on and that he had purposely misled me.

So, yeah, I'm angry. Not at his wanting to "take a break", I am ready for that too, I sent him an email Tuesday evening, the night before his call, that pretty much said the same thing, in gentler terms. That I wanted to get back to friendship. I wanted to see him more but on less intimate terms. My version of "taking a break". Cool off.

I am angry at his ever toying with me in the first place. He wasn't serious. He didn't give me a chance, and I doubt that he ever meant to. He wasn't fair and honest. And after I found out what was going on with her, I was a little crazed, which destroyed any chance I may have had with him anyway. I just couldn't believe anyone could do that to me. Not someone whom up to that point I had respected.

I would like to keep the friendship. I still care for him. He can't help it if he's a klutz about his life. I will still see him around occasionally, even if unplanned. Worse, I am registered in a class in February that I do want to take that he's teaching. At some point I'll stop reacting to his smile, and then I'd like to be able to call on him when I need his expertise, and I'd like to be available to him if he ever needs me.

But I will no longer be available to provide the missing pieces in his relationship. It's not good for me or him.

I'm not completely over him, of course. That will take a while. If he came to me and said that the other woman is finally out of his life, and he'd like to try again, then maybe, maybe. Maybe with extreme caution. He's so intelligent, and so damn affectionate, and so very very good in the sack. He's not callous. He's just an emotional mess. He has a good and loving soul somewhere down deep inside there, under all the hurt and pain.

Getting beyond thinking like that is going to take a while.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

#507 Tired. $400 Worth.

At noon today I headed out in search of new tires. By 4 pm I was tired, tired, and $400 poorer. The new tires are "rated" for 70,000 miles. I'll be happy if they last 50k.

When I asked if I could get 4 new tires and an alignment "right now", the dealer said yeah, no problem.


They couldn't get the van onto the "alignment machine", whatever that is, because there was some kind of something or other that caught on the dropped floor of the van (the notorious mere 4 inches of clearance - I have the same problem with automatic carwashes). So he called their store in Kingston, and they didn't think they could do it either. I called around myself. A garage in Red Hook that is familiar with the van from other visits thought maybe they could, with some kind of ramp arrangement, so I've got an appointment for the 13th. As in Friday the 13th. A week and a half away.

So I told them to go ahead and put the new tires on, and I'll figure out the alignment later. The folks I ordered the van through will probably know where I can get it done for sure, they handle a lot of Braun conversions, but they're still on vacation.


They couldn't get the van on a lift. They had to jack it up and do each side individually.

But I guess I wasn't the worst problem they had today. While I was waiting, a truck pulled in with the biggest travel trailer I've ever seen, one of those gazillion-wheeled jobbies. They had a flat tire on the trailer. I bet that was fun. I'll bet it wouldn't go on a lift, either.

Then I stopped at the post office and picked up a gift that had been waiting for me since last week. One of Jay's sisters has sent me the most gorgeous velour robe, royal purple (that seems to be my new color - everything's coming up purple), and it is exquisitely soft. I've never felt a robe so light and soft. I've never even felt a sweater so soft, not even silk or cashmere.

I got home at 4:30 and started clearing the remainder of the driveway. The snow was that solid packed stuff that makes nice igloo blocks, about 10 inches of it. I was so happy that the extension cord reached from the garage to the edge of the plowed section. There was no way I could have gotten the snowthrower over the plow piles to get it any closer.

It normally takes me 1 to 1.5 hours to clear the entire driveway. All I had to do this evening was half the flat part at the top, and it took me over an hour. The snow was so dense, I had to keep stopping to allow the auger to chew its way through. And this is a BIG machine.

(Something very strange - I just did a spellcheck, and although it highlighted several words, I opted to change nothing. Then, when I got out of spellcheck and read the entry again, I found that "snowthrower", in the second paragraph up from here, had been changed to "contrariety". Huh? It may be an accurate synonym, but how did spellchecker know that? (And how the heck did it get "contrariety" from "snowthrower", anyway?)) I don't understand....

Later update - the 10 inches of snow was an estimate. I just measured. It was 13 inches. For some reason, our street gets more snow than just below the hill on the highway. We are high, but not that high, so I don't know why. And before anyone yells at me, yes, I have had alignments before - at least two, possibly three on this van, I just don't remember where.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

#506 Home, to Snow/Slush

I'm home again. I went to LaGrange yesterday about 1 pm, and stayed until about 6:30 this evening. Ten inches of snow on top of freezing rain was predicted, so I loaded the snowthrower into the van and took it with me. It would make quick work of Roman's driveway. I stopped on the way and arranged for the Hairless Hunk to plow the main part of my drive so that I could get the van (and snowthrower) up when I got home.

The storm started last night with mixed rain, sleet, and snow, and continued all night. I was surprised that in the morning there was only about two inches of very wet slush on the driveway. Then today there were light snow showers all day. But again, there was very little accumulation on the ground, although there were maybe 4 inches of mushy snow on the deck.

Imagine my surprise when I got home and found somewhere between 8 and 10 inches of heavy wet snow in the driveway. A path had been plowed to the top, and the plow heaps were higher than the hood of the van. As requested, HH had not plowed most of the flat area at the top (although he had to do some to be able to turn his truck around).

I guess we did get a little more than LaGrange got.

I'll have to finish it with the snowthrower tomorrow. I hope it doesn't freeze solid overnight. I could have a real mess out there.

Also tomorrow I have to do something about the tires on the van. When I drove to New Jersey back before Christmas, I noticed that at about 63 mph the front and the steering wheel were shimmying. I assumed it was the alignment or something. But it has been getting worse. Now it shimmies badly below 35 and above 45. Roman looked at the tires and found a 1-inch jagged tear in the driver's side front tire sidewall. Very strange. How could that happen? Now I'm worried that maybe a belt has shifted? I drove all the way home from LaGrange this evening at 40-45 mph. It took an hour. So not only did I drive home slowly, I had a steel grip on the steering wheel.

There's been something wrong with those tires since day one. They have worn very badly on the outside edges of the tread, but they were never underinflated. They have less than 40,000 miles on them. I think tomorrow I'll replace at least the front two. Next summer, the rear two.

I overstayed my welcome in LaGrange, I think. If we don't have to get out because he has to go to work, that happens. I'm such a pain sometimes. Well, maybe usually. I can't seem to let things go. I attack his reticence. And I can't seem to say goodbye because it's like I'm afraid one of these days he'll come to his senses and this will be the last I see of him. So, I sense he's anxious to get to other matters, and my presence distracts him he says, no matter how I try to stay out of his way, and then I turn kittenish and outrageous, and then things spin out of control. I hate when I do that. But it had been two weeks since I'd seen him last, and I was starving. I don't think he understands that.

.... My insecurities are showing.

To bed early tonight. I hope I can get to sleep in decent time. Much work to do tomorrow.

Monday, January 02, 2006

#505 Satin Sheets to Lie On

I put satin sheets on my bed Saturday night. Not because I wanted satin sheets, but because there weren't any clean cotton sets.

Back when I bought them, a year or so ago, someone had told me not to get the woven satin ones because they were too hot and too slippery. They said to get the knit satin. So I did. This is the first time I've used them.

If this is less slippery, I don't want to think about the others!

The bottom sheet is fitted, and the top sheet has a fitted foot, which is nice. I have a feather bed on top of the mattress, under the bottom sheet, and a lofty down comforter over the top sheet.

I spent Saturday night chasing the comforter around the bedroom.

The top sheet slides off the bottom, and the comforter slides off the top sheet. The fitting at the foot of the top sheet doesn't help any. And since when I had changed the sheets I had fluffed up the feather bed, if I got too close to the edge of the bed, I slid out. And the pillows kept escaping.

Miss Thunderfoot likes them even less. When she jumps up on the bed, the whole surface slides. She got dumped twice, and now she asks me to lift her up.

I gotta wash those cotton sheets SOON!

Sunday, January 01, 2006

#504 Did You Eat Your Sauerkraut Today?

Yup. Sauerkraut on New Year's Day. Ensures luck for the year. Family tradition. I made it with kielbasa. Yummy. I'm spending the day with Roman tomorrow. Hmmmm. Kielbasa and sauerkraut may be a mistake.

The first thing I did today was clear the driveway. It went really fast this time.

You have to get the hand rhythm on that thing. The thingy to make the wheels go is on the right handlebar, the thingy to make the screws go is on the left handlebar, and the shift is across the middle. Shift into 3-forward. Squeeze with the left hand to engage the screws. Squeeze with the right hand to engage the wheels. Go forward. *Release right hand. When chute is empty, release left hand (screws must be disengaged to shift, and must remain disengaged when in reverse). Shift into reverse. Squeeze right hand. DO NOT squeeze left hand. Back up. Release right hand. Shift into 3-forward. Squeeze left hand. Squeeze right hand. Go forward. Repeat from *.

A problem I've had in the past is that I forget to release the left hand when shifting and when in reverse. I guess because it seems most normal to shift with the right, the left hand has nothing to do, so it just keeps holding the thingy down. Today I pretended to be left-handed, and I shifted with the left hand, and that cured my problem.

Within three or four stiff shifts, it seems to have also cured the snowthrower's problem. We really worked like a team today! So to reward it, I went out and bought it some fresh gas.