1415 One Third

Monday, August 6, 2007

I figure I've got twenty years or so left, probably fifteen of which will be fairly active. Looking back, that seems like a long time. 1987 seems like a long time ago. There's been a lot packed into that time. But looking forward, it doesn't seem like that long at all. The past seven years have slipped past with hardly any notice. They feel lost.

That's a third of what's left.

I still look halfway decent, if I get enough sleep, and sit and stand straight, and wear makeup, and keep my hair clean, and hold my belly in, and don't put any weight back on. But I don't anymore accidentally see me in a store window and think "she looks good" before I realize it's me. That used to happen all the time. Now I look in a mirror and think "pretty ok", and I look at a photograph and cringe.

I'm still in relatively good health, as long as I don't go to a doctor and get a diagnosis that'll make me think I'm about to die. I can still walk for miles and miles. I can do 30 pushups, the military style. I should eat more vegetables, and stop smoking, and avoid sugar, I suppose. And I need to get back to walking.

Clerks still hesitate to ask me if I qualify for the senior discount. Teens are amazed when they hear my age. They say I look, oh, maybe early 50s, and "that's only because of the hair". Of course, to them, early 50s is ancient. It's their grandmother's age. And I have a pretty good idea of what their grandmother looks and acts like.

I woke up this morning thinking about housework, and I realized that I don't want to spend one third of the time I have left cleaning house. And one third sleeping. And one third waiting.

I want to whirl through the space and time left. I want to go places, and see things. I want to love and be loved.

I want and need someone to care for. I'm very good at loving and caring. I can make someone feel strong and capable and worthy and alive. I can make a man feel whole, and appreciated.

I want to be loved back, every day.

I'm at an age now where if I don't use every part of my body, it will dry up and blow away. All the parts still work, and some of the most fun parts require male attention to stay in shape. I want everything to continue working.

I don't want to spend a third of my life waiting for something to happen.
.