2503 Frustration

Thursday, July 16, 2009

A bore is someone who keeps talking
after I have something to say.

----------------------------

This weekend will mark four weeks since I've seen The Man.

I read financial reports, so I know what's going on with the company he's contracted to. It's not good news. I'm aware of some financial obligations he has, and some recent reversals, which has required that he get as many hours as he can. And although he hasn't mentioned it, I know that he's worried that the contract may be axed, and he'll need to build up more savings to tide him over until he can get another - which these days could be a while. So I know why he's working 12 hour days, 6 or 7 days a week.

The stuff he's doing actually needs three people, and he was told he could hire two more, but he wants all the hours for himself.

I know all that, but it doesn't make it any easier. [Whine on] We're only about two hours apart! He has to eat sometime. He has to sleep sometime. Why can't we do it together? [Whine off]

Major developments this week, people are being let go. His employer wanted to hire him as a regular in a management position when his contract was up, but he turned it down, because he earns more as a contractor. He has a rather unique skill set, so he figured he was safe, and as expected his contract was recently renewed for another year. But "bankruptcy" is now threatened, and if a reorganizing group comes in, unique or not, as a contractor he'll be gone.

We were supposed to get together tonight, but he had to cancel earlier this week when things in the office got exciting.

I didn't take it well.

He probably doesn't even realize how long it's been, damn nerd.

I am angry, frustrated, unhappy, and tired of this. I was seriously considering saying to hell with it, and telling him to just go away, he doesn't have room in his life for me, I'm tired of the empty chair next to me.

And then yesterday I was cleaning out the email archives, and I reread some of his notes, and fell in love with him again. It's his MIND! I love the way his mind works.

You know, he doesn't have to work at all. He can come live with me, and do whatever work-at-home contracts he wants, and still be able to contribute to his sons' needs and his parent's needs. But thinking that is frustrating, too. He'd find that emasculating. Simply not the way it's supposed to be. And since I find his strength and power and independence and fierce masculinity incredibly sexy, I probably don't really want that either. Even though he's younger, he's not boy-toy material, and that's part of the attraction.

[Whine on] But we're only two hours apart. Why is this so hard? He promised me 2009 would be better than 2008. Waaaa. [Whine off]

Damn nerd.
.