3555 Gaslight abuse

Sunday, June 24, 2012

If you're not careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed

and loving the people who are doing the oppressing.

-- Malcom X --

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The movie Gaslight (1944) was mentioned today.  I'd never seen it, so I looked it up and the reviews  made me want to see it.  I found the entire movie several places online, but always in Spanish, with no closed captioning.  Duh?  So I ordered it from Amazon.

Searching for "gaslight" turned up several references to "gaslighting" as pertains to domestic/relationship abuse.  I'd never hear the term in that context before.  That exploration led me to http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/index.html, a very interesting site.

When we think of abuse in a relationship, we tend to think of battering, or the threat of violence, or coercion.  But there are other much more subtle forms of abuse.

I read all of the section "The 'Con'".  It was eye-opening.  I didn't realize that some of the relationships I've been in were abusive.  But now that I think about it, yeah.  I recognize it. 

Not only that, but in at least one relationship, *I* was abusive.  Once I wanted out, I was derisive, showed a lack of respect, and purposely undermined his confidence.   This is abuse.

I intend to read all of the rest of that website.
.

2628 Sex in the 60s, and the relief of death

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
-- South Park --

---------------------------

On Hoda & Kathie Lee this morning, a woman was talking about menopause, what happens and why. She mentioned that women in their 60s and 70s report that sex is better, that they're having the best sex in their lives.

My immediate thought was "Hmmm. Yes. But I thought it was him, The Man, that he was doing it so well. Hey, maybe it's me!"

My second thought was that again, this is a self-selected sample.  The only ones who would report are those who are having sex, and they would be the ones who always liked it anyway.  Women in their 60s and 70s who don't like sex have long ago figured out how to avoid it, and menopause is the perfect excuse. 

My third thought was that women get shafted again.  For those of us who like and want it, it's better, it's wonderful, our libido is ramped up, but where are the capable men?  How does one go about finding a compatible man who can keep up with us and not leave us hanging?

Younger men, and their staying power.  That's the solution.  I lucked out in finding The Man, but (those red flags again**) I don't think he'll be good for the next decade and a half, and what do I do after I lose patience with him? 

Sigh.

----------------------------------

** In The Man's defense, the red flags don't involve sexual infidelity, believe it or not.  That's the one thing I am not at all worried about.  The flags have more to do with attention, interests, propinquity, intimacy, keeping secrets, differing values, a resistance to sharing lives, and on and on.  Things that at my age perhaps shouldn't matter so much, but I guess they still do.

On the other hand, if I were involved with a man who lived close, whom I saw a few times a week, who wanted me involved in his life and wanted to be involved in mine, who dragged me to family functions, who shared his problems with me, who wanted to advise and direct me, who MEDDLED!, I probably wouldn't be happy either.  I'd feel trapped and smothered.  I'd want some distance, some independence.

So.  Damn.

 -------------------------------------

I observed to a relative recently, when her daughter's diabetic cat died while in her care, that sometimes when someone we love, or a pet, is old and ill and caring for them has become a burden, when they die we may mourn them, but we are also relieved.

I didn't realize how much that was a part of my crash after Jay died.

People have asked me, if he were still alive, would we still be together, and I've always answered yes.  That's true whether he were healthy, or left ravaged by the brain cancer.  At the time he died, he was hemiparalyzed, unable to stand, sit, move himself or feed himself, incontinent, blind, sleeping no more than an hour at a time, and with absolutely no short-term memory.  But I still loved him, and if we had been able to stop the brain cancer and control all the other potentially fatal conditions he was prone to, even if he was left in that condition for decades, I'd have stayed with him and cared for him.

When he died, I was relieved.  I realize and accept that now. 

I didn't realize it then, because I mourned the loss of him in my life and all of what could have and should have been.  That was on top.  Underneath was the relief, and I think the inability to accept that feeling contributed to the multi-year depression that followed.

I think he was relieved, too.  So it's ok.
.

1818 Freakout and Relationship Contract

Saturday, May 17, 2008

I about had a heart attack this evening. I went online to my bank account to check the balances, preparing to write a bunch of checks tomorrow. One of the lines in the list is my credit card with that bank, a Visa with a maximum of $10,000. I was expecting to see a balance owed on that card of about $700 or less.

Imagine my shock when I read a balance of over $9,356! No way! Ack!

Much running around, and shrieking, and dumping the purse to make sure I hadn't lost the card, and checking to make sure the previous payments had been credited, and tripping over cats that weren't moving fast enough, and searching for phone numbers, and trying to remember where I'd used it recently. Ack ack!

Then I took another look.

The bank had changed the format of the screen. $9,356 is the balance available.

Oh. Ne'mind.

Next thing you know I'll be locking my keys out of the car with me in it.

-------------------------------

In a recent post, another blogger said, "Any couples therapist will tell you that the minute the initial contract of the relationship is breached, all bets are off. " (If the author wishes so, it can be claimed or linked in the comments.)

Anyway, that statement hit me hard, and I've been chewing it ever since.

I guess there are some things that are invisible until someone points them out, and then they're obvious. I'd never thought about this before, but yeah, it's suddenly obvious.

It explains what happened in some of my old failed relationships. It would even explain my observation that divorce so frequently follows breast cancer diagnoses. "She's supposed to provide the care and emotional support, and now she wants ME to? I can't. It's too hard. I didn't sign up for this."

That "initial contract" bothers me, because I doubt that anyone actually thinks about it until it's breached. Until you get to the "didn't sign up for this" stage. Couples don't discuss what they expect from each other, what their roles in the relationship are.

People grow and change, and things happen, and to maintain the initial contract you have to be aware of what clauses must be immutable, or be willing to change the contract. But to do any of that, you have to know what the contract IS.

I looked at my current relationship, and I really don't know what the contract is. I'd sure like to find out before anyone breaches it.

--------------------------

A related observation: Jay's brain cancer strengthened our relationship rather than hurting it, because it was obvious in our initial contract that I would mother him and take care of him and act as his interface to the world, even though neither of us ever said that.
.

1716 In Love with the Vision

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Free advice: Never take out a loan to buy something depreciable.

--------------------------

As you get older, you get wiser in some areas, and stupider in others. Or maybe not more stupid, just better at fooling yourself.

I have long believed that when men fall in love, it's not so much the woman herself that they fall in love with as the way they feel when they're with her, most likely strong and capable. Of course that's a trap, because at some point some condition is going to arise where he feels inadequate. Maybe that's why marriages often don't survive breast cancer.

I think women often fall in love not so much with the man, but with the vision of what they imagine life would be like with him. And that's a trap, because eventually real life intrudes on the vision.

I guess it's hard to tell, when you fall in love, whether it's the other person you love, or the trap. You probably don't know until it's over, because you convince yourself that it's the person.

Jay had abandonment issues. Some things had happened in his childhood that made him afraid that no one would care for him. He had bad dreams of his mother walking off and turning a corner and disappearing, or driving off in the car and leaving him stranded in the middle of nowhere. He was unhappy in his previous marriage because his wife pretty much lived her own life, she didn't much "do" for him. She had pretty much emotionally abandoned him. So I know that much of his love for me came from his knowing that I would care for him and not abandon him. I mothered him, and that's exactly what he needed.

Did I love him, or the vision? Well, any rosy vision was pretty much destroyed by the brain cancer diagnosis, but I still loved him just as much, so yeah, I think it was just him.

And Roman, the Roman of all the 2005 and 2006 fuss and furor? It was the vision. I was tired of being alone, and here was someone who liked a lot of the same things I did, wanted to travel, challenged my mind, and would be a good companion for the remainder of my years. Of course I liked him a lot, too, but it really was mainly the vision I was tied up in. It wasn't until I gave up on having that vision that I realized that although I do like him a lot, still, as a person, we really aren't suited as a couple.

Now I'm in love with another. (I tease him that women see him as a "fast car", after the Tracy Chapman song (see below), thinking that he'll take them out of a life they don't like and make it all better, and when he doesn't, they get mad.) I'm pretty sure it's him, not the vision that has me hooked, because, frankly, I have no vision of a future with him. I just can't see it. He's a workaholic, and nowhere near retirement, has no desire for world travel (unless the Vikings happen to play in France), vastly prefers city living, and on and on. I just don't see it. What we want from life is so different. So I'm pretty sure it's HIM that keeps me coming back for more, not the vision of a future together.

I don't know why he loves me. Of course he says it's the brains, the thoughtfulness, my itty-bittiness, and my independence, and so on, but I know I also make him feel very strong and masculine, and I'm smart enough to fully appreciate his brainpower. I don't know if it's me he loves, or the way I make him feel.

Why does it matter? Because if it's me, I can say or do or be any way consistent with me, and he'll still love me. If it's only the way I make him feel that he loves, that's REAL easy to lose. A wrong word could kill it.
-----------------------------------------

And now, for your listening pleasure, Tracy Chapman's "Fast Car".

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Orv_F2HV4gk&feature=related]

And just 'cause I love her, here's another favorite:

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjRo_CHSdt0&feature=related]
.