2144 Foreboding

Wednesday, November 3, 2008

I've been trying to get to bed earlier, and up earlier lately. My bedtime tends to slip, and it had got to where I was going to sleep about 4 or 5 am and then not waking until 11 or noon. That means I had about 5 hours of daylight every day, and I thought that might be contributing to my malaise.

So I pulled an all-nighter one night last week to guarantee being tired, went to bed the next day at 11 pm, got up at 7ish, and that seemed to work. I kept it up for a few days, and was beginning to like it.

I blew it last night. I got to sleep around 3 am, and got up at 9 this morning. And I awoke feeling awful.

Several friends and acquaintances have been laid off within the past few weeks. Old friend NJ had surgery for colon cancer, and by her choice has dropped out of sight, none of us know how she's doing. And one particularly dear friend may be seriously ill (scheduled for tests today, it doesn't look rosy, and he has no health insurance). So there's a lot of depressing stuff going around.

And the new car for Daughter (her car is 10 years old) isn't going to happen in this economy. Not to mention my new car. (Sob. I so wanted a new, my-first-choice car. I've driven ultra-cheap new or used cars all my life, practical stuff, and before they take the keys away from me, just once, I want a fun sexy car.)

And the medical plan stuff. And, and, and....

So anyway, there's plenty of things to worry about.

When I woke this morning I felt awful. My stomach felt so queasy I reviewed what I'd eaten last night. It had that "this is not good" feeling, which quickly grew into a "death is imminent" feeling. I was very aware of my mortality. I was frightened. I thought of all the things that could be wrong with me. I looked around the house and thought "I'm not ready." I felt like something disastrous was going to happen.

It lasted about an hour. I'm still a little shaken.

I don't like it. I think there are people who have that feeling often. I guess I ought to clean and organize the house and files, though, just in case.
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