1365 Real Men Don't

Monday, July 9, 2007

An "Everyone Loves Raymond" rerun is on, and they're making fun of psychotherapy, and how real men don't need it. The men end up talking with each other more.

I had a discussion with a friend a few days ago. He knows that some parts of his life just aren't working. He thinks it's just that he's got high standards, that he's too much of a perfectionist. I think his problem is that he simply won't let the little things go. He has too much stored up anger. He won't allow, won't forgive, failings in other people, and won't talk with them about it. He said that counselling is out of the question, "My whole family would think I'm nuts."

I can't say anything to him. It wouldn't be received well. I can only listen. But it frustrates me, because I see what he could be without the interference of his suppressed anger.

I ran into that attitude with Ex#1. His entire social set, family, friends, coworkers, were of the opinion that any male who admitted to any kind of emotional therapy was a weakling. They snorted. A real man copes. He's not even allow to admit to a problem. They wouldn't even consider marriage counselling. "Got a problem? Have another beer. Got a problem with her? Give her another beer."

One of his drunken friends was bragging one evening that he'd never been to any kind of therapist, never would, didn't need it. I responded, "That's like a man with a mouth full of rotten teeth bragging that he'd never been to a dentist." But that was in front of each other. I had many private conversations with some of Ex#1's male friends and family members that pretty much turned into therapy sessions. They knew they had broken pieces and hurting places. They just couldn't admit it and remain macho.

Churches contributed to the problem, especially the Catholic Church. They preferred that you talk to the priest or pastor, who counselled you to submit. Self-understanding was definitely not in a hierarchical paternalistic Church's best interest.

It seems like these days getting help is a lot more socially acceptable, at least in the circle I move in now, but a lot harder to get. Medical insurance doesn't want to pay for it, or they limit it. Psychiatrists have pretty much turned into pill dispensers. Psychologists and other varieties of therapists seem to each have a particular school of thought, and they will cram you into the pattern, whether you fit or not.

Jay's therapist had an "inner child" theory. He was quite happy with her, figured that his lack of progress was his fault, not hers. It took rigorous testing in connection with his brain surgery to discover he was Aspie. He was way out of his therapist's league, and she didn't have broad enough training to recognize it.

So someone who says yes, I need to examine this and fix it, can waste a lot of time and money before they find someone, something, that works. A lotta quicksand out there. Sink right in. Maybe the insurance companies are right. Maybe it's easier and cheaper to put the world on Prozac (or whatever is popular now...).

I lucked out. I got me a Jungian talk therapy psychiatrist who simply asked questions ("And why is that, do you think?"), at a time when The Company's insurance plan covered it fully, with no limits. He was exactly right for me, at exactly the right time in my life. He taught me skills that have served me well for the past 26 years (when I disengage enough to use them, that is).

I am grateful. I wish my friend had had the same opportunity. I can see what he could be.
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