1098 No Sleep

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Laura Bush bought her husband a parrot for his birthday.

She told Dick Cheney, "The bird is so smart! George has already taught him to mis-pronounce over 200 words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said. "But you realize that he just says the words. He doesn't understand what they mean."

"That's okay," Laura replied "Neither does the parrot."

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I broke a few rules today.

I called Daughter on my cell phone before the "free" period. She sounds a lot better, and we had a very good mother-daughter talk, venturing into areas we don't normally go into. She's planning to go to work tomorrow. I wish she'd take another day off. She says Hercules is coming down with something, now, too, so I extended the same offer that I'd made to her - if she needs me, I can come down for a few days to take care of the invalid. Appreciated, but refused.

I'm also blogging (horrors!) on an even numbered day.

I got no sleep last night. I slept well Sunday night, but after writing yesterday about my surprise and confusion, those thoughts consumed me last night. I worked some crossword puzzles, turned the light off, and then tossed and turned and thought. I turned the light back on, and read my book. That usually serves to narrow and slow down spinning thoughts so I can fall asleep. It didn't work. As soon as I turned the light out, I started thinking again. I think I slept only between 8 and 10 am, and even that was broken.

I think I figured it out.

I expected The Duchess to look a certain way. She didn't, but her appearance doesn't much matter. It's her personality that matters.

I expected her to be sweet and gentle and retiring, and I couldn't have been more wrong. From the very small taste I had, I think she's likely to be strong, demanding, critical, and exacting. In fact, I think she probably has a lot of characteristics in common with Roman's mother.

Roman, since childhood, desperately wanted his mother's approval, and found it very difficult to obtain. I think perhaps that in acting as escort, handyman (she has a limiting handicap), and housemaid to The Duchess, he is able to finally get the approval of a mother-substitute. For him, that's a deep need.

He knows she doesn't love him completely. He knows that there are aspects of him she doesn't like, can't accept. I heard some of that from her on Sunday. One of the times we broke up, he said that I was forcing him to look at things he didn't want to see, didn't want to think about.

When we first became intimate, he told me not to mother him, not to nag him. His divorce was just final, and I thought he was reacting to his ex-wife. But he and The Duchess had hit a major snag at that time, that's why he started up with me, and now I wonder if it was a reaction to her. When his mother was in the hospital, and he was caring for his father and having difficulty getting him dressed and out to appointments, I asked him how his mother got the man moving, and he said "She nags."

I asked him Sunday if he felt like an orphan, and he said no.

Probably because he has a mother-substitute, from whom he can obtain approval, even if she doesn't love him.

Who knows where it will go from here. Now that his real mother is gone, will he need the approval of the substitute even more? Or will he no longer need maternal approval at all?

It helps to feel like I understand, even if I don't really. Now I wish she appreciated him MORE for WHAT he is, WHO and HOW he is, instead of what he does for her. But if he continues to need approval from his mother, and he gets that from The Duchess, and it satisfies him (although I know he knows there's someting important missing in their relationship - he's said that several times), I think maybe I can accept, and maybe, eventually, even be happy for him.
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