Monday, January 29, 2007
Entry 1093 Sunday's Memorial talks about the nice and simple things from Sunday. I am vaguely dissatisfied because I left out the strange and confusing things. Roman confuses me. I never know what to think, how to take him.
I like to think of myself as a nice person, but I am having very nasty very negative thoughts now. I am not thinking nice things.
"She" was there. The other woman. Roman's "girlfriend". Hereinafter dubbed "The Duchess". I absolutely like her less now than before I met her, and that's bad. Very bad. Very distressing to me.
She is exactly what I was referring to when I had asked him if it would be at all awkward for me to be there, and I know he had to know that's what I meant, and he said no, no awkwardness, and he never warned me in subsequent conversations that she'd be there. I didn't specifically ask because I don't bring up the subject of her directly because it makes him defensive. The good part is that he apparently trusted me not to blow it. (Is there any chance he was hoping I'd blow it? I already know she's not sensitive or smart enough to figure out who I am.)
I had expected to like her. I was prepared to like her. I WANTED to like her. I NEED to understand what it is about her that so fascinates Roman. I still thought she was taking advantage of Roman, being unfair to him, which angers me, but I expected her to be a sweet, pretty, and charming person. She's not. I am confused by my own head.
I expected her to be tiny, with delicate features and a pixy haircut. Roman notices and has opinions on women's clothing, so I expected her to be nicely dressed. Boy, was I wrong. She's rather broad and coarse featured, with that late-50's housewife bubble hairdo and mis-matched clothing.
I have dubbed her "The Duchess" because it was obvious that she likes to be the center of attention. She holds court. If attention turns from her, she wrests it back. She even brought her own "courtiers".
One example, when Roman and his sister introduced the people around the room, he introduced me as a friend, a coworker from 15 years ago, and a fellow Mensan. Then he introduced her as a friend whom he had met in Literacy Volunteers a few years ago. That's as far as he went in defining their relationship front of this group. When people were offering glimpses, she spoke up and said that although she hadn't known Roman's parents long, only the past few years, "since I've been a part of [Roman]'s life...". Gasp! It was Roman's place to define their relationship to the group, not hers.
I purposely didn't listen in on any of her conversations, but she said several things that I couldn't help but hear, and those things served only to reinforce my opinion of why she hangs on to Roman. A woman with a male escort has quite different social opportunities from those of a woman alone. A woman living alone in a house finds a dependable handyman very convenient. One of the many things I overheard her say was "I love to see a man working around the house. To me, that's a man being a man." No, that's a man being a handyman. And I strongly suspect that he's also her housemaid.
I don't think she fully appreciates him. She complained about his driving, "I just close my eyes", when Roman is one of the best drivers I've ever had the pleasure of riding with. She also doesn't appreciate his sense of humor. I think she hangs on to him because he's a man, and she figures he's the best she can get, and better than nothing.
She left about 4:30, with her cohort of four or five friends (and it was made clear that they were her friends, which she had graciously shared with Roman, how nice of her). After that, Roman turned his exclusive attention to me. I don't know if he wanted to be with me then, or if he knew I knew no one else in the room and was just being a good host, but I also know that he rarely sees some of the cousins and so on who were there, and should have wanted to talk with them, so I don't know. We talked for another hour. One of the things he said was that his inheritance would be significant, and he intends to quit his day job, which he doesn't enjoy because it's stressful and frustrating. He'll finally partially retire, keeping only the computer classes he teaches in the evenings.
I know he has wanted to retire for a long time. If The Duchess would allow him to move in with her, he could have retired long ago. But he says she wants to "preserve her independence". That's why she allows him there only over weekends. Well, part of my definition of love is that you want to help the other person to achieve their desires. Sometimes you have to give up something of yours to to so. That's where compromise comes in. I don't see why they couldn't live together, and still set some ground rules that would allow her a large measure of independence. I thought love longs for union.
I am very concerned that although she won't give up her independence for him, for his needs, now that he's inheriting a chunk, she'll be more than happy to give it up for financial security. That scares me, for him.
I hope he's not such a fool. But ... sigh.
He dropped his daughter at the airport for a Sunday midnight flight, and called me from the road on his way home (I had asked him to). One of the things he said then was that when the estate is settled, he wants to buy a co-op or a small house. So I assume he's not thinking she'll let him in any time soon.
I like him, and I wanted to like her, so that I could be happy for his being with her. I wanted to be happy for him. Now I'm even more angry with her. I am even more convinced that she doesn't love or even fully appreciate him, that she's just using him for her own convenience.
Daughter says I have to look at it philosophically. My belief is that we are here in this pass through life to learn lessons, and many of our most important connections exist as connections to teach us those lessons, and perhaps The Duchess exists to teach Roman something important to the development of his soul, and that I should love her for that.
I'm trying. So far it isn't working.
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