Wednesday, August 11, 2010

3052 TMI, of the bubbly sort

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

"If the Islamists laid down their arms, there would be peace in the Middle East. If Israel laid down its arms, soon there would be no Jews, Christians,
or any other 'infidels' left alive in the world."
-- (I forget where I got this, but it was a journalist very familiar with middle eastern politics.
I'm not sure what to think of it.) --


During the second meeting with the nutritionist, last March, after I had been on the low sugar low fat high fiber diet for a month and had already lost some weight, I mentioned to her that the only problem I had was flatulence. A LOT of it. She laughed and said it was probably the fiber, and it would probably get better as my body got used to it.

Well things did and didn't get better.

My body did finally adjust, and an ordinary day would be fine, no problem. But things fell apart badly, and loudly, and odoriferously, when I went to the movies and when I spent time with The Man, both especially bad times for it to happen.

I'd be climbing out of The Man's bed in the middle of the night and running the water in the bathroom to cover the sonic booms (and I'm the one whose bottom whispers, remember?), and as soon as I went back to bed, I'd have to do it again. Fighting against release during, um, "athletic pursuits" was very distracting, to say the least.

In the movie theater I'd sit somewhere distant from others, and try desperately to let it go slowly and quietly, which left me with cramps, or I'd be running for the bathroom again. And in the little arts theater I go to, the door to the restrooms is at the front of the theater, right next to the screen, so everyone would see me going there three or four times an hour.

Wanna know how bad it was? My nether cheeks actually burned from it. I got a kind of diaper rash from it, even when the ammunition was "dry air". A few rare times it wasn't dry, if you know what I mean.

I couldn't figure out why. And why only at those times.

I finally figured it out when I bought a bag of "sugarless" chocolate candies. The ingredients listed one of the several sugar alcohols. Sugar alcohols are neither sugar nor alcohol. They are sweeteners that are not treated as sugar in the intestines, are essentially indigestible. And cause gas! I figured it out because the time-connection between eating one of those candies and blowing the cat away was immediate and obvious.

Backtracking, I figured the other connection out. I'm supposed to eat something every 2.5 waking hours. When visiting The Man, I'd take Glucerna shakes or bars, because they were more convenient than packing nuts and berries and cottage cheese, and they were convenient for consumption during the drive south. When I go to the movies, I'd take Glucerna bars because the show times rarely lined up with my snack/meal times, or I'd drink a shake earlier because I'd be in a hurry. And Glucerna supposedly fits my new diet.

The Glucerna labels don't mention any sugar alcohols, but legally they don't have to. Surprise. The difference between Glucerna and the sugar-free chocolate was how long it took to trigger the volcano, and how long it lasted. If the shakes or bars did not include chocolate, the eruption was delayed. That's how the connection between Glucerna and the problem escaped detection.

Back to that last visit with the nutritionist - as I was going out the door, she said, "Watch out for sugar alcohols." I didn't know what she meant, and didn't ask. I should have,


Anyone interested in a few cans of Glucerna? Boxes of snack bars? I've got some, free to first responder....


Anonymous said...


I hate farting during sex. Sometimes though it just has to happen.

I could have warned you about those things artificially sweetened. Hostess makes a line of snack cakes that have some type of something like suborbital. Butt bombs is what I discovered them to be.

Remember the fart candy from comic books? Same stuff in the ingredients.

I will take the stuff. if you will mail me I will give you my addy.


Becs said...

Major sympathy on the pink cheeks. Find something with lidocaine, 2%, if you can. It will ease your suffering.