2520 Thirty-first question

Friday, July 24, 2009

I tried to be good, but I got bored.

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On the 30 questions post, I invited commenters to ask questions. Becs asked, "What's the best decision you ever made in your life?"

I've thought about it for 28 hours, and I'm still thinking. I went over all kinds of decisions I'd made. Places where a big decision made a difference in the course of my life, and others that weren't so big. A few were good decisions, but most of them proved to be VERY bad, with ramifications through the rest of my life. In fact, almost all of the good decisions turned out to be corrections of the very bad ones, many of them forced. It was very depressing thinking about it. Hard to accept that I'd messed my life up so badly at every opportunity. It seems like every choice was wrong. What's worse, I sort of knew it at the time.

There are only two good decisions that weren't half-assed corrections of bad decisions. One, of course, was loving Jay. But that's not the best decision.

The best was starting psychotherapy with Dr. K. in 1977, working hard at it, and sticking with it for four plus years until I found me.

Giving up would have been easier, but without it, I wouldn't be who I am now. I might not even be alive.

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I suspect that almost everyone who examines their life will find a lot of bad decisions. I suspect that I'm making bad decisions still. I suspect that The Man is one of them, but I'm determined to play out that hand.

When I look back at all those bad branches, and think about how things might have gone had I taken the other path, I'm not all that sure that things would have been any better. Different, but most likely not better.

The only thing I'm sure of is that without Dr. K., I wouldn't be who I am now. And I might not like who I would be.
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