1921 The Making of a Hypochondriac Nymphomaniac

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The husband of a friend has had some odd symptoms/conditions/disturbances for a while now. He's one of those guys who is proud of the fact that he has never lost a day of work to illness (even if he leaves a trail of near-death coworkers in his wake), and refuses to go to a doctor (unless he's convinced he's dying. Even then he wonders, "What's the point now? I'm dying.") He's in denial that there's anything wrong, but some of his symptoms have her very upset.

Recently he has developed a few more symptoms, and the old ones are getting worse. I'm pretty good at internet research, and I have the time, so the friend asked me to see if I could find some horribly disfiguring, immobilizing, slowly progressing disease that can leave him unemployable, something that you have to catch early or it's too late, that she could use to scare him into the doctor's office.

I started with one symptom, got a list of everything that could cause that, threw out everything that didn't fit, and ended up with an advanced case of Lyme Disease. Then I did the same thing with another of his symptoms, threw out everything that didn't fit, and ended up with advanced Lyme Disease. Same thing with the next several symptoms. I am aware that he might have two or three or more different things going on, that's why I took each symptom separately. What eliminated possibilities was the absence of other symptoms or predispositions - like he's not an alcoholic. Doesn't drink at all, in fact.

The only three things that fit everything he's displaying is 1.) Lyme, 2.) a particular very rare inherited metabolic disease, and 3.) a certain mineral deficiency.

Untreated Lyme is serious. It affects the brain (can cause personality changes and paranoia, among other things) and nervous system (peripheral neuropathy is painful, and can become incurable). It hits the joints, resulting in arthritis, which is disfiguring and immobilizing. It hits the heart and circulation. It has nasty crippling effects almost everywhere in the body. It can kill you, but only after it destroys you.

So, I urged her to convince him to get a Lyme test (and, just in case, to add the mineral in #3 to his vitamin regimen, it won't hurt, and just might solve the problems).

She came back with the worst possible answer. He's had a Lyme test, and it was negative, and he refuses to discuss it any further. Done. Negative for Lyme. Period, end. No further tests necessary. Lyme: Negative. Get off my back.

Unfortunately, false negatives (and false positives) are common with the blood tests for Lyme, especially if it's a firmly established case, where the immune system has given up on it so to speak, or where you're harboring several strains of Lyme at once. I know a bit about his habits and hobbies, and if it is Lyme, it's entirely possible he's had it for up to fifteen years. He knows all this, too. He really ought to have the skin biopsy, or even a course of treatment to see if it fixes things (which unfortunately is, in the end, the only really sure and definitive test).

So, any suggestions? How can his wife convince him to find out what's going on?

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Now, the hypochondria part.

I rarely read anything medical, because I sure as shootin' end up convinced that I've got everything. I noticed with horror this afternoon that I'm not growing any hair on the outside of both shins/side of the calf.

Failure of hair to grow on the legs is an early and subtle sign of impaired circulation in the legs.

Ack! I've got diabetes! Ack! I've got blood clots! Ack! I've got a ton of plaque all through my circulatory system on the verge of breaking loose and going to my heart or lungs and killing me! In my sleep! Ack ack!

Well, I know I don't. I know I'm probably ok on the diabetes thing, for now, anyway, because I heal faster than anyone else I know, even on my feet. And I know how to take my pulse in the foot. I've got good strong dorsal pedis and tibial pulses. But - it's significant that I had to check. Several times. And compare it to the radial pulse. And I'll probably do it fifty times before I'm satisfied.

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On hair, missing and otherwise.

Since menopause I've noticed lots of hair pattern changes. Everybody knows about the appearance of hair on the chin and upper lip, but I wasn't expecting the hair on my arms to change. It used to be fine, silky, blond, and well behaved. Since the big M it's gotten much darker, coarser, curlier, and wild. It grows every which direction, and looks like it's trying to figure out how to tangle.

On the other hand, the hair on the backs of my fingers and toes has almost disappeared.

While the hair on my lower legs is the same except for the bald patches on the outside of the shins (where my pants brush when I walk, incidentally, a more reasonable diagnosis than blot clots), the hair on my thighs is following the arm hair - longer, thicker, curlier, and it does literally tangle sometimes (remind me not to let my thighs talk to my arms).

The lady patch is receding and thinning. Much more ladylike now.

I used to have a few (ahem) chest hairs. They're gone.

My eyebrows have almost disappeared.

I haven't noticed much difference in my head hair, except for the drastic color change, and a receding hairline, but that started long before menopause.

Nobody really tells you whether all of that is normal. Except for the chin and upper lip, that is. It would be nice to know what to expect, what's normal.

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On to the nymphomania part:

Now, something amazing, just to see if you're paying attention. In my 63rd year, I discovered that women can not only have real erections, it can quadruple in length and width and stand right out there. It says "sproing" when you flick it.

I never heard about that before, anywhere. Not to that degree. I confess I've been scanning online porn (the free no download crap) trying to see if it happens to anyone else, and haven't seen it anywhere. Of course, those women aren't past menopause.

So, some questions:
* Anyone else familiar with the phenomenon?
* Is the capability something one gains after M (when the androgens outstrip estrogen), or is it always there?
*And if it was always possible, why the ever-lovin' hell did it take 63 years and a few dozen men for me to find out?

This is not TMI. It's info every woman should have. If I can do it, you can too (and no, you can't borrow my Man).
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