1693 Decisions

Friday, February 15, 2008

I've been a bit blah lately, and I've finally figured out why. I'm not supposed to talk about him here, but I will anyway, 'cause he's why, and it's my story, and I can tell it.

I'm "waiting for the other shoe to drop" because we're coming up on a year, and I will have to decide what I want to do, and I don't know. I absolutely adore him. He fascinates me. His mind amazes me. His enthusiasm is infectious. His body is just plain beautiful. He's very protective. I feel so very small and feminine when I'm with him. That's unusual for me. I am very strong and willful, and will kick and spit and prod and push. I don't with him. I look up to him.

Yeah, there are lots of times when he has said stuff or done stuff that just didn't fit (I think sometimes he forgets how smart I am), and he likes secrets, and if it were any other man I'd challenge him right off, but with this man I just nod and let it go. I accept, or withhold judgment. Very unusual for me. I don't know if it's because I've mellowed, or if I'm simply too infatuated to chance angering him. Or maybe it's because I know he really is honest and faithful and all that, and the inconsistencies and half-truths I've seen are a self-defense mechanism - things have happened in his past that he's begun telling me about that explain a lot, that make it difficult for him to be completely open - and as he trusts me more the subterfuge is abating, whatever, anyway, I trust him. He is opening to me, and if I can be patient, he will be more comfortable exposing more of himself to me. He's a little like an abused animal.

Anyway, the thing is, I'm getting older. I can't afford to waste time on something that may not be more than extended dating, a "this is good now" kind of thing, no matter how wonderful and exciting it is. I have to plan for the future. I want a life companion, someone who will still be there when I start falling apart. We've moved slowly, and that's good. It was seven months before we used the L-word, and I believe him completely when he tells me now how much I mean to him...

...and some of his emails could bring back the old word "swoon"...so very romantic...

...but...

There's the age difference. We're at different stages in our lives. I'm ready for travel and recreation. He's wrapped up in work and career. (But it's cute that I'm not a grandmother yet, and he's a grandfather twice over.) I have lots of free time, and he has next to none, what with the job, the responsibilities of a large extended family, and some activities that he seems to obsess over. I'm not seeing enough of him. I'm alone a lot, still. I don't understand why he can't share some of those activities with me. The distance (2+ hour drive) doesn't help. The last few times we've been together my frustration leaked out.

So, that's what's bugging me. I may need more than he can give me right now. I don't know where this is going, and I need to figure out whether it's in my best interests to stay on the ride or get off.

It's not a decision I want to make. I could give it more time and see what happens, but I don't know how much more time. How much do I need? How much can I afford? I would like this to be forever, but ... I don't know.

Maybe it's significant that I don't feel like this is something I can bring up with him. Not yet, anyway. (Like many Aspies and geeks in general, he doesn't seem to see time passing. He'd see it as pushing. As not caring enough to hang in there and let it develop. Sigh.)

I need a man's advice, and my only close male friends would prefer to see him dead.
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