#632 Do I Really Need A Title for Every Entry?

Sunday, April 9, 2006

Well, I met Dreyfuss this morning, and it was ok. There was no immediate connection - in fact for the first half hour he didn't look me in the eye, but then time speeded up and it got better. I was there an hour and a half. He seems nice enough. He doesn't have my last name or phone number yet. I'm to email him with my number, so I have a little time to think about it. I don't know where it might go. It didn't seem completely positive, but it wasn't negative, either. We'll see.

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This is my Personality Profile from one of the newer dating sites:

You are a DIRECTOR/negotiator

You are an innovator. You are an inventive, thorough, independent thinker with a deep interest in how the world works. You quickly grasp patterns and relationships. And when you focus on a particular work-related or social puzzle, you often come up with novel theories and ideas about it.

You have a strong need to achieve. You want to make an impact on the world. And with your aptitude for theoretical thinking, your investigative rigor, your logic and your determination, you are likely to win the honors your hard work deserves.

You are a complex person, outwardly assertive, logical and intellectual, yet likely to see the many sides of an issue, feel deep sympathy for others and enjoy the spiritual as well as the concrete.

You can be friendly, insightful and eager to please. These attributes, combined with your love of challenges and knowledge, make you an exciting, and at times, very sensitive companion.

Duh?

Well, it's wrong on winning the honors. I never win the honors. Not that I didn't deserve a few honors along the line, but it seems like I was always too early or too politically incorrect.

This one doesn't say anything about Leadership. Most profiles of me do, and as soon as I see "Leadership", I figure it's a lot of baloney. Leadership to me always brought a vision of someone leading the troops over a barricade, or whipping up enthusiasm in a team, or something. I can't, don't, and don't want to do anything like that. I was a team leader once at work, and hated it.

But I had a sort of epiphany today. Leadership doesn't necessarily involve pulling along followers! Leadership can also mean forging new paths. Innovating. Not following the herd. It's something a little more than simply not being a follower. It means having vision beyond the herd, and implementing that vision. (In fact, you can be a follower, and still be a leader. Power behind the throne kind of thing.) In that sense, I AM a Leader. I don't follow the group just because it's the safe thing to do. I frequently go my own way and do my own thing. Sometimes I can bring the herd along with me, but that frequently requires more social and political skill than I have. And more "desire to make an impact" than I have - so I guess the above profile is wrong there, too.

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I mentioned that at the Volunteer Fair, I had signed up for, among other things, CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates). They deal with neglected and abused children involved in the family courts. To quote from their pamphlet: "Today, CASA is the only organization that empowers everyday citizens as officers of the court. [Me - not technically true, volunteer mediators are also officers of the court, which carries a legal requirement to report certain offenses to the court, and which can be a social burden.] CASA is an information gatherer and an advocate for the best interests of the child. Volunteer advocates review records, research information and talk to all involved. They visit the child regularly ... " etc. Where the social workers may have 20-30 cases at a time, the CASA volunteer concentrates on one or two.

I thought I could be good at this. I know about abuse and neglect. I know about manipulation. I'm very good at research. I write good clear reports. I pay attention to detail. There's a lot of education and training involved, but I have the time. I figured it would be a good way to meet handsome single lawyers. Ok, scratch that one. Family court attorneys are haggard and overworked.

But, almost everyone I've asked about it has advised me against it. They tell me I have too much of a tendency to take in strays, and this will tear me apart. One friend asked if I could work at the SPCA shelter, and if the answer is no, then I shouldn't attempt this. I can't even GO to the shelter. If I wanted to adopt a beastie, they'd have to bring The One out to me a few blocks away. I am still haunted to tears by a little abandoned whippet I had to leave on a Florida beach 13 years ago.

On the other hand, I remember how my brother and I tried to get help many years ago, and how no one would listen to us. I want to make a difference. (Ok, so maybe that profile's "desire to make an impact" isn't too far off.)

If I can't do it myself, maybe one of you can. See http://www.nationalcasa.org/

#631

The carting man and his roofer son came today to look at the roof. I'll be getting an estimate in the mail early next week. They recommended that instead of an exhaust fan in the gable, I should have one of those funny spinning mushroom things in the top of the roof. I'll have to research them a bit. It'll let the hot air out in the summer, but will it let cold air in in the winter? Will it move as much air as an electric fan? Won't it look ugly, depending on where they put it?

I didn't do much of anything else today. I discovered the blog of a female journalist in India (http://soniafaleiro.blogspot.com/). She did a recent series on domestic workers in India, and I was fascinated. Spent much of the day reading her archives.

I don't think I want to go to India - I don't think I could handle the poverty - but she travels a lot in southern Asia, and she has reawakened my desire for Thailand.

I'm meeting Dreyfuss for brunch tomorrow, at his daughter's deli. I don't think the he-me combination has any future, I suspect our lifestyles and backgrounds are too different. I mean, he says things like "Well now Little Lady..." in his emails (which, by the way, are otherwise well composed and articulate), and keeps wanting to come down here and pick me up to "save me the drive". (Anyone who knows me at all will be cringing.) Way to get my back up. I think he would prefer someone in an apron.

If it comes to it, I don't know how to handle rejecting him. I hope he doesn't like me. How did I get myself into this? I can't not go tomorrow....

Maybe I should overdress and wear all my diamonds and keep bringing the conversation around to Shakespeare and my favorite London pubs.

With my luck he'd love that.

#630 Toll Takers

I crossed the river today, on the Kingston-Rhinecliff bridge, and realized once again that I miss the toll takers. When I lived in Highland and worked in Poughkeepsie, I used to buy a book of commuter tickets for $.40 a west-to-east crossing on the Mid-Hudson bridge. I'd stop at the toll booth, and the toll takers always had something pleasant to say as they ripped off the ticket. They'd comment on the weather, or wish me a nice day, or a happy holiday, or, if female, they'd compliment my hair or jewelry. It was always so nice. One guy was so personable that when he retired, they announced his retirement party in the newspaper, and several hundred of his regular commuters showed up to slap his back and wish him luck.

Now I have EZ-Pass. An electronic box on the windshield that automatically charges me $1 per trip.

At first, even with EZ-Pass, you still had to stop at the booth, and after the toll taker pushed a button to read your box, they'd pass you through, with a wave and a greeting. Less time to smile, but it was still there.

Gradually, the greetings grew less common. I guess because fewer and fewer people bothered to roll their window down when they stopped for the reading.

Now they've replaced most of the manned booths with unmanned booths that read the box. No stopping, no greeting, no toll taker. All very impersonal. (And apparently more expensive than paying a toll taker's salary.)

It's all so dry. So blah.

I suppose I could go through the one remaining manned booth and pay a dollar cash, but even there something has changed. The toll takers not only no longer greet you, they don't even LOOK at you. Somehow that's worse.

I miss the old toll takers, and the way they could brighten the commute.

Since 9/11/01, since there has been an influx of NYC escapees, since it has been getting increasingly crowded around here, since the traffic has gotten heavier, there's been a change in the way people relate to one another, and this toll taker thing is but a tiny piece of the larger shift.

I don't like it.

#629 Feelin' Groovy 2

I'm psychic! I got a note from the future co-mother-in-law to whom I had sent the silk veil. She has the hip scarf from Rakkasah, which is orange (I had forgotten what color it was), and she has purchased some other bits of practice costume, all in shades of brown and orange. The veil I selected to send to her is copper, orange, and yellow! I hope it will go beautifully with her other stuff, and will pick up the color of her hair. Wow. And to think I almost chose a red one.

I am so pleased!

The second dumpster has been picked up. I didn't think it would be as heavy as the first load, because this one has a lot less glossy paper and a lot more cardboard. But this load also came out to 1.5 tons (3,000 lbs). I forgot there was wood, metal, and huge old computer tape reels in this load, all of which is also heavy. That's 7,300 lbs of trash I've carried out, all by myself.

I am so proud!

I chatted quite a bit with the guy who came for the dumpster. His son, it turns out, is a roofer. So I'm getting another estimate on the roof on Saturday. He'll also give me an estimate for installing an exhaust fan in the attic, which will help the air conditioning situation enormously. Progress is being made, and I didn't even have to do anything for it.

I am so fortunate!

I found the mini-cycle that I had bought to exercise Jay that last year, when he was immobile. It's pedals on a small wheel, that you set up in front of a wheelchair or on a table to exercise legs or arms. It has a band that you tighten or loosen to adjust the tension. Jay was never really able to use it. I have set it up under the computer desk, and as I sit here, I'm pedaling like mad.

I am so virtuous!

#628 Feelin' Groovy

Missed yesterday's entry, because I was pretty busy.

I've got Piper and Roman together. Piper is a computer klutz, doesn't even know how to get to his email. Roman teaches computer stuff, and he's very good at it. So they had their first tutoring session yesterday afternoon, in Piper's office. I stopped in to see how they were getting along, and then left them to it.

Roman knows that Piper knows about my trials and tribulations with him, but he doesn't know how much Piper knows, or what he thinks about it. Piper knows that Roman knows that Piper knows. Roman knows that Piper is (or was) sort of interested in me. They have each assured me they won't say anything untoward. I can't stop giggling.

I had spent the morning doing some more basement stuff, stopped in to see how Piper and Roman were doing (and it was funny - while I was there, the phone rang, Piper answered it, and he said "She's standing here right now", and Roman and I looked at each other like "what? who? another one? who knows I'm here?" It was The Angel, Piper's cohort, who is doing my taxes. He's worried that I'll have sticker shock when he tells me how much estimated taxes I'll have to pay each quarter because of all the capital gains I'll have this year.)

After he had finished with Piper, Roman came here and admired the daffodils, and admired more how much progress I'd made in the basement, and when he saw the dirt that came out of the kitchen faucet, he changed the water filter for me! Wow! It wasn't easy. The threads were all coated with hard water salts, and it took some muscle to get it loose. Then we went out to dinner. (I did offer to cook, but he wanted to go out.) The first restaurant we went to was a bit of a drive, and was closed (the sign on the door indicated it should be open, but ...), so we ended up back in the village. The drive out and back was nice, because he had a comedy CD from our college years, and we laughed together a lot.

After we'd finished eating, we sat at the table for more than an hour just talking. It was really nice. We came back here for ice cream, talked some more, and he left a few minutes after 10. It's almost like we're starting over, and I like it. It's frustrating in a certain way, but without that certain thing, I don't feel used or taken advantage of, and I kind of like the feeling of being explored and courted. Like he has no other reason to spend time with me except - to spend time with me. That's not a bad thing.

(Of course, the devil in me is thinking that he doesn't need that certain thing from me, he's getting that elsewhere, and maybe what he's really doing is being faithful to her, and he's actually trying to let me down gently, and .... I've got to stop thinking like that! That way be dragons!)

(And yeah, I said I wasn't going to mention him any more, but it's just too large a part of my life to ignore or gloss over. The situation is where I am right now, and that's that.)

Today I kind of floated around. I selected a hand-painted silk veil from my stock to send to my soon-to-be co-mother-in-law, packed it up, and sent it to her in California by overnight mail. She had attended Rakkasah with me last fall, and got all excited about belly dance lessons. I gifted her with a hip scarf in exchange for a promise that she'd sign up for lessons when she got back to Ca. (and after Rakkasah had long worn off), and she did. She and a friend went to their first lesson last Monday evening, expecting to feel old and fat and clumsy, and it turns out that she absolutely loves it! (Heh heh. I knew she would. Apparently she lucked out and found an instructor who knows how to make it fun. It's all about how you feel moving, not what you look like. (Besides which, she's in terrific shape.))

The carting company called, and they sorta want their container back, so I spent the rest of the day throwing the last bits in. The final load was the dead humidifiers. They'll pick it all up tomorrow. There's at least one more container load to go, but that stuff is scattered all over the house, so ... maybe at the end of the summer, after I pull it all together.

And, I am now in email conversations with three online matches. Yes, I am worried that I may be toying with them. But I need something in reserve, in case, you know ... them dragons what might be there.

#627 Running in Place

Another mostly wasted day, as far as the house is concerned, anyway.

Something went wrong with my Netscape this morning. I could get to websites, but I couldn't click on any links in pages and expect to go anywhere. Like, nothing happened. Which wouldn't have been so very bad, except that I had some bills and other stuff that HAD to be done online TODAY.

I shut Netscape down and tried to bring it back up, and it wouldn't start again at all. So I went to Explorer, and that worked, but then I discovered that with pure Explorer, I had no bookmarks, and no automatically filled in passwords. Ack! I'm supposed to know this stuff?

AOL was no help - no bookmarks (not the businessy ones), Internet through AOL is slow, and navigation is painful. (Note to self - when I finally get a working printer, print off the flippin' bookmarks list.)

So what with trying to figure out what went wrong, searching for updates, shutting down and restarting (believe it or not, IPLing this dog takes at least 12 minutes), digging up website names and passwords, it took me four hours to simply transfer money to pay the car insurance, and paying it.

That used up the morning.

Afternoon, I stopped by the spa to pay for this month, and get weighed and measured. Even though I hadn't been in there in more than two weeks because of the basement work and other scheduling problems, I have lost more weight and more inches. I can see it myself - the pants I'm wearing right now are sagging at the waist, and I have to roll them twice because they mysteriously got too long.

Then I took the flat tire to Mavis. They were willing to plug the hole (it was exactly on the line between tread and sidewall) but strongly recommended against it. Given that if it blew, it would happen suddenly, on the road, and I'd have to change it myself, probably at night, I waffled. (I need someone I can call when crap like that happens. Another reason to expand beyond elderly female friends and Roman. I can't get help from them.) I had bought the tires on sale, and had got like 30% off, so I asked if they'd sell me another tire at the same price as the original, and they said yes, so that's what I did.

** On the expanding contacts front, I forgot to mention what I did at the volunteer fair on Saturday. I signed up for RSVP (Retired Seniors Volunteer Program), where they farm folks out where needed, and a program where you advocate for children in family court cases (which really interests me, but it could be too consuming, we'll see), and Habitat for Humanity. **

By the time I'd made a couple more stops, it was after 5 pm. Blew the whole day again.

During the evening, Netscape mysteriously fixed itself. I'm beginning to think the problem was not with Netscape, but with the folks I dial into. The line had dropped before I left the house, and when I got home and dialed in again, and tried Netscape, everything was just hunky-dory.

I don't understand.

#626 Flat Tire, Flat Day, Flat Blah

Remember those new tires I bought three months minus two days ago? The ones where I didn't buy the extended warranty, because it cost as much as a new tire and I couldn't see that I'd really need it? Yeah, them?

Well, I got up and dressed and out the door this morning to meet the blind date for brunch (let's call him Dreyfuss, 'cause that's who he looks sorta like), and I didn't get out of the driveway. Flat tire. Yippee. I called his cell phone and left a message, then went to work on the tire. I got the spare out (a full-sized regular tire, thank goodness), got the van up on the jack, and then got stuck. I couldn't get the hub cover off. Not without hurting it real bad. I knew darn well I wouldn't be able to get the nuts off (why oh why do they put them on so tight?). And then on a hunch I checked the pressure in the spare - 15 psi. Should be 35. Razzelfrats! I gave up and called the Hairless Hunk.

He said he'd be over as soon as his wife got back from Poughkeepsie, about two hours. So I stayed by the phone in case he called. Six hours later.... The tire has a nice big nail in it, right in the side kind of between the tread and the sidewall, like where the tread is on its way to becoming sidewall. So the regular warranty won't apply. The Hunk says that Mavis isn't going to want to plug it because they'll say it's sidewall, but that I should argue with them and insist it's tread. If I win and they plug it, I should have them put that tire on the rear, and move the rear tire to the front (it's front-wheel drive).

My original plan for the day was to meet Dreyfuss in the morning, be home by early afternoon and work in the basement. I want to sweep and clean, and rearrange what's left down there so I can start moving storage containers down from upstairs. Rain is predicted for the next two days, and Roman is visiting Tuesday, and I wanted to be able to demonstrate SOME progress. So it looks like most of that got blown, too.

After The Hunk left, I called Dreyfuss. He never got the message I'd left on his phone. He said he had two messages, but mine wasn't one of them. So he thought he got stood up. Sheesh. I don't know whether he believes me about the tire or not. Three non-Roman dates in the past two months, and I've managed to piss all of them off, and all of it because of outside influences. Is Fate trying to tell me something? So, anyway, we've rescheduled for next Sunday.

To tell the truth, I don't really want to meet this guy, but I feel like I have to. I need to spread out and check out all the available local manpower. Otherwise I'm putting all my energy on Roman, and then when he doesn't call for a week, or has no time for me for two weeks, that makes me sad. And mad, because I feel like I'm wasting time. There isn't all that much time left. Women lose value fast. I do understand his class schedule makes things difficult. He wants me to wait, but mostly I don't feel like he's trying very hard. Maybe he is, but I'm not seeing it.

I need to feel like I'm trying, at least. Like I'm taking care of myself and my future, and not just wasting time. But it's probably an empty exercise, because I know who I want. At the same time, I need some appreciation. I want someone to flatter and pursue me. I need some validation. On the other hand, I am very much afraid that one of these new guys is going to develop a crush on me and I won't be able to get rid of him, and he will accuse me of toying with his affections, and that will hurt me, because ---- he'd be right. Maybe I'm not ready for this yet. I don't know.

Off to the basement. At least it's been warm lately. The daffodils have started blooming, and the underbrush in the woods is sprouting leaves. A pair of finches have taken over the porch light, and they seem very happy and excited. They sing and chirp to each other constantly, and they're never more than three feet apart. Spring love.

Sigh.

#625 Mud

I worked like a dog yesterday afternoon and last night after dark getting the last few heavy things out of the basement. Rain was predicted for today, and when the hill is wet, I can't get the handtruck or the cart up the hill, because my feet keep slipping in the mud. Week before last I went to my knees several times.

The container is now almost full. Just enough room left for the dead humidifiers, and a few handfuls of trash.

There's some kind of volunteer fair going on at the mall today, so I want to visit that. Tomorrow I am having brunch with a new friend, at his daughter's deli. Should be interesting. I hope it at least makes up for the other blind date I blew off for tomorrow. He got very indignant when I wouldn't/couldn't tell him why I wouldn't/couldn't go where he wanted to go. I probably won't hear from him again, but that's probably for the best.

Sigh.

#624 Quick Friday

Had lunch with Piper today. Good conversation. Too bad there's no chemistry. Sigh.

I forgot to mention something from yesterday. I had not planned to open any of the eight huge boxes Jay had dragged home from the office when he left The Company. I had planned to simply load them onto the hand truck and take them out. But they were stacked four-high, and they were so heavy I couldn't even shift them on the stack to knock them to the floor where I could get the truck under them. So I ended up opening them and transferring handfuls of manuals to another smaller box roped to the hand truck.

I'm glad I did.

When Jay and I were "courting", I used to slip funny or romantic cards or notes under his office door when he wasn't in. After we were married, I'd slip cards or notes into his pockets, or briefcase, or into stacks of papers he was going to take to the office, so he'd find them by accident at some random moment.

In one of the office boxes, I found all those cards and notes.

#623 Um, Well, Thursday

More time in the basement today. My back wasn't too happy about yesterday, so I took it kind of easy. The hauling company hasn't called yet asking when they can get their container back, so I didn't call them, either. There's lots more stuff to go in, and if I can keep it over the weekend, I want to.

I went through three moving company wardrobe boxes today, and have bundled more than 50 shirts in perfect condition (dress, casual, western, cotton flannel, wool flannel, and a few pullovers) for donation. Also three sportscoats (one 100% silk) with the tags still on them, and one suit. There's also a beautiful imported Harris tweed sportscoat which I have set aside. I'd rather give that one to someone I know. I'm not sure of the size, I suspect it was custom made on one of Jay's trips to Britain, so there wouldn't be a size tag, but I'm sure whatever size it is, it's a "tall". I don't know any especially tall men right now.

I don't know why after moving from Texas to New York Jay never unpacked those boxes. The shirts are all 16 1/2 to 17, which is the size he wore when I knew him. More oddly, in all the boxes of clothes down there, there are no pants, except those with suits. Odd because the pants were what he is most likely to have outgrown. He was skinny in Texas. He grew a little potbelly in New York. Very strange.

I have to get something to eat now. All I ate yesterday was a granola bar, and some carrot sticks. When I'm working, I don't feel hunger. Nothing at all yet today, and now that I've stopped working, I'm suddenly starving. I've got those "bagged" meals in the freezer. I think I might cook up a whole bag, and eat until I'm full.

#622 Basement Progress

Six hours in the basement this afternoon. I cut up five mattress boxes, moved out a huge recliner and a small sofa bed, a 70s-era "bar", a huge Mylar and wood box kite, the remainder of the 9-foot Christmas tree, a twin mattress, and seven more large boxes of computer manuals (mostly AIX), among other things. Today was definitely a hand-truck day.

I was surprised to find, in one of the boxes Jay had brought home from his office, twenty-five large reels of computer tape - you know how they used to indicate computers in old movies by showing the refrigerator-sized tape drives? Yeah, those tapes. Some were so old they were in the old "piekeeper" covers. There were also a gazillion mini-reels. And what must be one of the earliest floppy disks. It's about 9 inches square.

Nostalgia.

I'm going to keep the floppy and one of the oldest tape reels.

#621 What type of Fae am I?

What type of Fae are you?

#620 Tax Time

Late entry today - sorry, Daughter.

I spent the entire morning and afternoon pulling documents together for The Angel to do my taxes. First I couldn't find the 2004 taxes, finally found them filed in the wrong folder. Then I discovered to my horror that three 2005 1099-DIVs and one 1099-INT were missing. I had to go online to the company websites, get into my accounts (not easy), and reconstruct the dividend payments. Then I paper clipped everything together in batches, with covers describing and totaling each batch. Putting together the receipts for the 2005 estimated tax payments, I discovered that the amount that New York State has reported to the IRS as my 2004 state tax refund does not match the amount of refund on the filed form. I have no idea why it's different.

Something else very strange happened.

There was a huge stack of paper on the desk, and I pulled the desk chair out, turned it slightly, sat in it, and sorted the papers into five stacks on the floor: 1) bills to pay, 2) tax stuff, 3) investment stuff, 4) to be filed, and 5) trash. Along the way I found a letter saying that AT&T had purchased SBC, and that my SBC stock certificates did not have to be turned in, they were now effectively AT&T stock. I thought "Oh, I should note this in the online portfolio, next time I edit it", and I put the letter into one of the stacks - either the "to file" one, or more likely the investment one so I'd be sure to see it later, or maybe the "bills to pay" stack, since it was a "to do" item. I don't remember. Note that from the time I picked up the paper until I put it on a pile, I did not leave the chair.

An hour later, when I was trying to rebuild the 1099-DIVs, I figured then was a good time to update the portfolio listing to reflect the AT&T/SBC buyout.

Do you think I could find that letter? I went through every one of those five piles, each piece of paper individually, and that letter simply isn't there! Anywhere! It has disappeared. I wonder if maybe I somehow stapled it into one of those batches I subsequently delivered to The Angel.

I went to a Mensa dinner at a Thai restaurant in Beacon this evening. I like Thai food, but I think I need help ordering. I should have just got the Pad Thai, it looked really good, but I got fancy and ordered the Twice-Cooked Beef (a "special"), and it was like a whole pile of bits of salty beef jerky. Next time, I'll have to remind myself it's the veggies and the sauces I like, so I should stick to things with lots of that, and forget the meats.

Tired. Goodnight.

#619 I Need a hurricane

03/27/06

I got a shock today.

I had plans to do a lot of stuff on the house this year and next. I absolutely must replace the roof shingles, because they're curled and lifting, and there are leaks in three places. I want to resurface the driveway, because it's cracking, and sinking in several spots. I need to replace the deck - it's over 20 years old, made of treated lumber, and was never sealed, so at this point it's almost dangerous. I want to have the siding washed. It's dirty and moldy where vines had grown up it. And then sometime soon, a year or two or three, I want to have half the basement finished, with a lounge with wood stove, another bedroom, a sewing room, and a spectacular bathroom with a whirlpool.

The roof is the first priority. I don't know where I got the idea, but I thought it would cost maybe up to $5,000 at the very most, likely less. I've got that much saved up to do it. What's up there now is architectural shingles, very thick and made to look like cedar shingles. And they're lifting, curling, and buckling. Unfortunately, they are too thick to shingle over, and have to be removed before the new layer goes up. I asked for an estimate to replace them with the same type.

The Hunk says I have a big roof. It comes to "40 squares" (a square being 10x10 sections (feet?))
Materials cost will be $4,300, for 30-year architectural shingles and weatherproof underlining around the edges.
Labor will be $12,000.
Let me repeat that -- $12,000 labor.
(However, he also said something about $150 per square, which comes to $6,000, not $12,000. Did I misunderstand? Or is it $6,000 to remove and $6,000 to apply?)
Assuming no misunderstanding, that's, um, $16,300 total.
Actually higher, because I need something called a "cricket" built on the upside of the chimney to prevent future leak problems. He didn't figure that in.

Ack!

#618 Going Postal

Surprise. According to today's Kingston Freeman newspaper, "Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds" is NOT the motto of the US Postal Service. The US Postal Service, in fact, has no official motto. Turns out the words were written by the Greek historian Herodotus, describing the couriers who carried military orders during the war between Greece and Persia. Apparently it was the independent decision of the architect to add it to the (1913) facade of the James Farley Central Post Office on Eighth Avenue in Manhattan. Just decoration.

This little gem was in an article about how the local PO in Kingston is requiring that city addresses must begin using curbside mailboxes, just like us country folks, so that the mail carriers can shorten their routes by not having to walk up to every door, and can deliver the mail faster. Money-saving measure. No mention was made of delivering by vehicle.

I'm confused. The photographs accompanying the article show the (standard rural) mailboxes right up against the curb, facing the street. Now, if the carriers are still delivering on foot, wouldn't it make sense for the mailboxes to be at the edge of the lawns, facing the sidewalk, or between the sidewalk and the curb, facing in? If the carriers are delivering by vehicle, uh, does this mean no one can park on the street any more? Out here in the countryside, there's plenty of room between mailboxes, and nobody much parks on the roads anyway. But in the city, almost everybody parks on the street, and there's very little space between the mailboxes. The article didn't explain it.

Won't this enormously increase vandalism and mail theft temptation?

I don't understand.

#617 Hibernian High

I spent much of today at the Lions Club Expo at the Hudson Valley Mall. All I bought was some socks at PayLess, but I had a good time visiting all the booths. Some were commercial, some were charities, some were government services, and a few were political.

I looked at a tiny RV, and I want one! Even for just weekend jaunts it would be so handy. I also picked up cards for a dog training club, driveway repair, stonework, sunrooms, and antique furniture restoration, and some information from the group fighting the plans to build thousands of condominiums on the Hudson just north of East Kingston. That really bothers me, too, for a lot of reasons. I ate late lunch / early supper at the Coyote Grill.

But mainly I went to see the Ancient Order of Hibernians Pipe & Drum Band. They performed on stage in the food court at 3:30, but then they marched throughout the mall, stopping and forming a circle at every open space to play some more. I LOVE bagpipes. I've loved them forever. Must be something in the genes. This group used to practice on Sundays in a garage someplace in Ulster, across the river and at least 13 "crow" miles from here, and because of the arrangement of the mountains, I could hear them clearly in my house. I used to sit on the deck to listen to them. That was back in the late 90s. They practice somewhere else now. I've missed them.

There were 10 today - 7 pipers and three drummers, seven women and three men. Two of the three drummers were women, and they were really good, they did the twirling and flourishing and spinning of the sticks (are they still called drumsticks when they have big fuzzy ends?).

Daughter, something I would really like - when my ashes are scattered, it would be nice to have one piper uphill, and one downhill, doing that haunting thing where they play back and forth. Of course I might not hear it, but it would still be nice. I'm sure there are some pipers in Scranton or Wilkes Barre. I'll bet any police or fire department will know of some. And don't ask permission of the park. Just do it. Give the other hikers a thrill.

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Dirty Dave is putting all of his old photos on disk, and he just a few minutes ago sent me some he'd found of me. The following are probably from the mid-to-late 80's, a Mensa outing. ( Could I have found a less attractive outfit? Maybe a sack tied in the middle?) I'd almost forgotten how thick my hair used to be. But I do remember that I'm no better with a boomerang than with a Frisbee. Duck!

#616 Questions 23 to 26

03/25/06

Continuing with questions from The Book of Questions, by Gregory Stock, Ph.D., Workman Publishing Company, Inc., $6.95. (If you like the idea, you should buy the book. Get yourself all the questions at once.)

23. While on a trip to another city, your spouse (or lover) meets and spends a night with an exciting stranger. Given that they will never meet again, and that you will not otherwise learn of the incident, would you want your partner to tell you about it? If roles were reversed, would you reveal what you had done?
I hate this question. I wish things were always so minor. Go away.

24. Are there people you envy enough to want to trade places with them? Who are they?
Well, I envy rich folks with all kinds of household help and the way always smoothed for them. And folks with lots of friends and involvements. And folks with large close happy families. But I'm not sure I'd want to trade places with them, because all that nice stuff comes with responsibilities and requirements and compromises that I'm not sure I want, not sure I could handle. I feel like all that nice stuff requires that I give up some of myself, and I am very self-protective. I guess it's because the way my life has gone thus far, the tradeoffs haven't seemed worth it. Disfunctional family, bad choices in friends, whatever. All I want is love and peace and quiet.

25. For an all-expense-paid, one-week vacation anywhere in the world, would you be willing to kill a beautiful butterfly by pulling off its wings? What about stepping on a cockroach?
Why the implied difference? Is a butterfly more valuable than a cockroach? Is beauty valid criteria? If so, should we apply that criteria to people, too? Is pulling off wings worse than stepping on? (Well, maybe. I'll give you that one. Torture, and all.) What's really weird is that if the cockroach were running across my kitchen floor I wouldn't hesitate to stomp on it, for free. But if someone put a captive roach in front of me and said stomp on this and get money, then I'd hesitate. Like the first cockroach is "guilty", and the second is "innocent". Weird, huh? But, in the end, I'd probably do both. To poor innocent insects. And I'd hate myself, and spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to bugs. Well, a while, anyway.

26. Would you be able to murder an innocent person if it would end hunger in the world?
Ho. So if I'd kill a bug for a vacation, would I kill a person for the world? First I'd have to decide whether ending hunger in the world is such a good idea. That's an even bigger question, a tougher question, than the one posed. Starvation is a natural population control. Even if you could redistribute populations by moving folks from overcrowded areas to wilderness areas, with adequate food supplies after a while the wilderness areas would start getting overcrowded. There would then have to be an increase in war or disease, otherwise the Earth itself dies. The alternate way to really end hunger in the world would be to kill all the excess people who live in areas that can't support them. So the way I see it, killing one person to end hunger would have to eventually result in the deaths of many more people, most of whom didn't contribute to the problem - "innocents", too. And probably even more of them than now die of starvation. Nah. I'd pass. But not for the reason you expected.

#615 Sharper Than a Serpent's Tooth

03/25/06

Francois de La Rochefoucauld: "He who lives without folly isn't so wise as he thinks."

I got up and washed and dressed, and was already to go to the multicultural festival in Pine Hill, when something told me I should check the map. Yup. I got Pine Hill confused with Pine Plains. Pine Plains is reasonable. Pine Hill is not. So, no go.

Instead, I decided it was finally time to get rid of all the sharps left from when I was giving Jay Neupogen and anti-clotting stuff. (And I was good at it - the nurses always left bruises on his belly when they did it, and I rarely did. In fact, in the rehab centers, they actually allowed me to do it, very much against the rules.) So I went to the local hospital supply pharmacy and bought a special bio-hazard disposal container, transferred the syringes from the puncture-proof container I had been using to it, and then went looking for someplace that would take them. The nursing homes and hospitals have special days and times for dropoff, but rather than go home and call around, I just headed for the nearest hospital. The woman at the information desk called security, and an old man with a badge took them, right then and there, no questions asked.

That "no questions asked" sounds good, but since they ask no questions, they seem to assume the worst, like I'm an addict or something. I wonder if people who take insulin get treated so curtly.

I was invited to a "literary afternoon" next weekend - lunch, followed by a "reading", then a used-bookstore crawl. I had accepted, but this morning I found out where it was and I had to back out. One of the readers is someone I can't be around right now. I can't explain further, but since this functions as a diary for me, I wanted to memorialize the day I made this decision. Someday I may regret it. I'm already feeling torn about it. Going to it, even with a date, would certainly take an axe to my biggest problem these days, and I'm not quite ready for that yet. But maybe I should. I hate this.

This is also the second "blind date" attempt I've broken with this guy. I have a feeling I won't get another chance.

Back to the basement. I've got another container to fill.

#614 A Lost Day

I don't know what happened to today. It completely disappeared.

In the interests of paper-control, I have a new rule - all previous issues of magazines, newspapers, and newsletters will be thrown out when the next issue arrives, whether it has been read or not. So far it looks like it will work to make paper litter disappear, but it also looks like it could make days disappear, when three magazines and a newspaper arrive all in one day. I guess I'll have to learn to space them out a bit.

Odd, but I was very hungry today, and nothing seemed to satisfy me. There must be something I'm craving, some mineral or vitamin, some texture or flavor, and I can't identify it. I feel like I'm starving, and I stand and look in the pantry, the freezer, the refrigerator, and there's nothing there I want. In fact, most of it I actively don't want. I've been drinking a lot of water, and I still feel thirsty. (I always drink a lot of fluids, and it's rare for me to feel thirst.) Maybe it's salt. I'll lick some before I go to bed.

(It could also be that I haven't been hugged or kissed thoroughly enough in two weeks. When I think "What do I want, what do I want?" that's what I keep coming up with.)

To bed early tonight. Multi-cultural fair in Pine Hill tomorrow. I may, or may not, decide to go. I might feel more like filling the dumpster. But I may as well be rested, either way.

#613 Over Two Tons!

Dean Koontz, Mr. Murder: "We sense that life is a dark comedy and maybe we can live with that. However, because the whole thing is written for the entertainment of the gods, too many of the jokes go right over our heads."

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The dumpster was collected, emptied, and returned early this afternoon. It was 1.5 tons of trash (mostly paper) on this trip. With the 800 pounds I got rid of a few months ago with the Hunk's trailer, and the 500 or so pounds last year, that's 4,300 pounds of trash extracted from the basement and elsewhere. I also donated 21 pairs of shoes and two large bags of clothing to the Salvation Army drop-box yesterday morning. Lots more clothing to go. There are two of those huge moving company wardrobe boxes full of Jay's shirts downstairs. I'll empty them this evening.

I didn't post yesterday. Took the day off. I had promised Roman that he'd be the first person in when the house could take company. Well, the house wasn't ready, but he was coming up this way to visit, so I decided to bite the bullet and let him in. The kitchen was still pretty cluttered, but it was a least halfway presentable. (It's halfway to where I want it to be.... At least one can see where it's going.)

He arrived about 3 pm, I showed him some of my treasures (he liked looking at my walking stick collection, and the ostrich egg, but was unimpressed by the caftan Omar Sharif wore in Hidalgo), and then we went into the village to meet with Piper. Piper is computer illiterate, and Roman is going to give him some lessons. Then we went computer shopping, just to see what exists. He's going to "build" a package for me based on my usual usage and needs. Then a long dinner at the mall, then back here. He left about 9:30. A nice evening. I hope we can do that more often. (He was appropriately impressed with the dumpster.)

I don't know if Roman is fully aware, but he is the first person AT ALL to enter this house, other than me, and the furnace service guy who got no further than the basement, in three years.

Daughter may be offended that he got in before she did. On the other hand, I wasn't informed that wedding dates were in negotiation with Hercules' mother until yesterday, so there!

Also, Daughter announced yesterday that their planned move to Pennsylvania is suddenly off. Hercules got a job offer from a company he knows well near where they now live in central NJ, which will save him several hours a day in commuting time (and costs - he had been working in the fashion district in Manhattan), so they have decided to stay where they are. On one hand, I'm happy, because they are now only 2.5 hours away, while Lancaster, where they were planning to move (Amish country), is 6 hours away. On the other hand, I dislike NJ. I'd love to see them somewhere greener, with clean air and pure water, and reasonable real estate prices.

Oh well, it'll work out. Somehow it always does. And I forgive them for talking wedding dates with the other future mother-in-law first - she teaches college in California, and her available windows of time are theoretically tighter, whereas I am theoretically perpetually free. (Although Daughter was surprised to find that I already have most of August booked solid, with events that cannot be moved, like a high school reunion and the first international Mensa convention, in Orlando, where my siblings live, so I plan to extend that stay to visit with family, too. Oops. Suddenly Mother has a life! How unexpected.)

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Household Hint: Mineral oil. Cool stuff.

Actually, I use the gelled baby oil, easier to work with.

If you have trouble with very hard water leaving mineral salts in the toilet bowl, drain and clean the bowl, dry it well, and then spread mineral oil in the bowl with a tissue. Wipe it down with another tissue to leave a thin coat. It'll make the next load of salts easier to remove. Renew the oil whenever you use a cleanser in the bowl. I forgot to oil the bowl back when, and that's why I had so much trouble with the salt deposits this time around. (Use only tiny amounts, especially if you have a septic tank!)

I have a stainless steel stovetop, stainless steel microwave/convection oven insides, and stainless steel sinks. If you've ever had stainless steel, you know that it isn't stainless, and burnt-on crud is impossible to remove from the stovetop without leaving scratches. Those minute scratches serve as sticking-spots for the next wave of crud. A VERY thin layer of mineral oil or baby oil (so thin you can't really feel it - like you just polished with it) helps to keep crud from sticking so tightly. Same thing for around faucets.

It has the added advantage of moisturizing your hands after all those cleaning products.

#612 Kitchen Is, uh, Usable, Sorta

I worked most of today on clearing out the kitchen. I won't have enough counter space for making cookies for a while yet, but at least I can move around in there and get the lower cabinets open now. And I cleaned a bit.

I spent several hours removing hard water deposits from the laundry room john. They must have changed CLR, made it weaker or something. It used to work, but I finally had to resort to draining the bowl and filling it with vinegar, and then scrubbing with a stiff brush.

The rolloff is so full I don't think I'll be able to fit the dead dehumdifiers in. They require special handing because of the freon, so I was supposed to put them on top. But I'm afraid now they will stick up past the fill-line. Next load, I guess.

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The friend who is setting up the charitable endowment in my name is driving me crazy. She has decided that she wants the payments from the investment to go to "program", not "administration". I explained to her that if she gives $1000 restricted to programs, and someone else gives $1000 unrestricted, and if the administrative costs are 20%, then they will just use $400 of the unrestricted funds for the admin costs, so restricting the money doesn't accomplish anything. She says she understands, and that she agrees, and then five minutes later she's going on again about how difficult it is to restrict the money.

Then she complains that the charity I chose, Heifer International, has unusually high admin costs. I point out (over and over) that low admin cost can be simply creative bookkeeping, and that you can't compare admin costs without knowing what is included. Heifer does a lot of research to find the most effective locations for the programs, so is that considered "program" or "administration"? She says she understands and agrees, and then five minutes later she's complaining because Heifer's admin costs are so high. I got so angry with her this evening I told her to forget Heifer and send it to Doctors Without Borders. (DWB was my second choice only because they already get a lot of contributions.)

There were a lot of other points that we disagreed on, and I explained, and she agreed, then she went right back to as if she never heard me. She really ticked me off this evening. The kicker is that she keeps saying, in reference to restricting the money, "Well, I want to make sure that the money goes for what you and I both want", and I keep saying, "**I** don't want it restricted! I explained that to you. It's your money, and if you want to restrict it, fine. But it doesn't matter to me!"

You can be in the middle of a sentence, and she will interrupt or talk right over you. The woman doesn't listen. A long time ago, she was my fifth-level manager. Yikes! This evening I was so annoyed that when she interrupted and talked over me, I just got louder and kept right on talking.

I had to fake another call to get off the phone. By then I was shouting, and I was afraid of where it was headed.

I want to tell her to forget it. Leave me out of it. Most of her money will end up going to charity anyway, and I don't see why having my name on it has any meaning worth all this annoyance. But I don't want to hurt her feelings.

#611 Equinox

Monday, March 20. 2006

I stood an egg on end this morning, and it was very easy. Yeah, I know about all the people who say it's bunk, that you can stand an egg any time, but I challenge any of them to actually do it! I've tried, and I've never been able to do it at any other time of the year, and it's easy for me for several days around an equinox, and it's easier at the spring than at the fall equinox.

We did several experiments in Washington DC Mensa, and we all had pretty much the same experience. The eggs all went up with ease at about the same time, and they all fell within 12 hours of each other, and the difficulty increased for each of us at about the same rate.

So there. Challenge cast. PROVE me wrong. Don't say it's bunk just because you can't explain it. (It's kind of like ESP - you aren't going to believe it until you experience it, because until you experience it, belief is too threatening.)

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The container is almost full. I guess because the level is so high now, I'm having trouble keeping stuff in. I threw a bunch of telephone books on top of the listing paper, but there are still stray sheets of other paper escaping. I have asked that it be picked up on Thursday, emptied, and returned. I'm starting to enjoy this.

#610 Green Eggs

I went to the annual "Green Eggs and Ham" brunch (combination St. Patrick's Day and Dr. Seuss's birthday) at NJKC's today. I'm usually late, but this year I got there on time, and still managed to miss the ceremonial reading of the book. I was so tired I kept almost falling asleep. Never did finish my champagne.

I'm not working in the basement today. I'm cleaning out upstairs instead, so I don't have to carry stuff up the hill. I was in bed by 8 pm last night, and asleep by 9, but I'm still very tired today.

I got a surprise when I left the house this morning. Among the last things I had thrown into the container last night were several stacks of listings and core dumps - the kind printed on the old wide continuous paper. The wind caught it, and blew several yards of it in streamers across the driveway and yard. It was looped four feet deep on the ground next to the dumpster. I gathered it all up and pushed it back in, but now that it's not neatly folded it's taking up a lot more room.

I'm hoping some magazines on top will protect it tonight.

#609 I'm Tired

I met some folks for brunch today, and then got back to the basement about 2 pm. It's 6 pm now, and I'm going to knock off for the night. My back is complaining, and the dumpster is almost full. I think tomorrow I can cut up the boxes I emptied over the past few days and that will finish that corner of the basement. I'll have them pick this container up maybe Thursday, empty it, and bring it back. There's still the remaining 3/4 of the basement to do, not to mention the attic. I can't wait to find out the weight for this load. Anyone want to make a guess?

There's a Christmas tree, two dehumidifiers, and a television set that I want to put in this first load, but I can't lift them over the side of the dumpster. The dehumidifiers have to go on top so they can be easily pulled out for special handling.

The header for this entry says I'm tired, and I am, but it's not the physical tiredness that's getting to me. I am emotionally tired. I am tired of being responsible. I am tired of making decisions. I am tired of doing the worrying. I am tired of being in charge. I want someone to take care of me. To make the big decisions, and hug me and tell me everything will be all right.

I had neither a real childhood nor a normal adolescence. My parents didn't take care of us, in the "making us safe" sense. We pretty much survived on our own wits. When I was married to Ex#1 he was physically absent through the whole marriage, and I had to take care of me alone, even when I was pregnant and laid off, and after losing the baby. When I was married to Ex#2 he was mentally and emotionally absent. I didn't exist for him, sometimes he didn't speak to me for literally weeks at a time, and so I had to take of me and our daughter alone. After I left him, I was a single mother for more than 10 years, and I took care of us alone. Then there was Jay. With his Aspergers he needed a manager and a mommy, so I took care of us, and then when he got sick it was high-powered taking care of him, alone.

Now I'm tired of it. I've done a good job. I have a healthy and drug-free Daughter who is well prepared for whatever she wants to do. I have enough money that I don't have to work any more.

I'm tired. I want it to be my turn. I want someone to take care of me, to coddle me. Someone to at least help with the decisions and share the worries.

Someone to keep me safe.

#608 Dumpster Progress

I worked only about two hours yesterday on clearing out the basement, but I put in over four hours so far today. I got the dumpster (they call it a "roll-off") a hair less than half full today before it got dark, which is scary because I've been working on only about one quarter of the basement, and not even the worst quarter. The dumpster is about 9 feet by 12 feet by 40 inches deep, and I am flattening everything I can before I throw it in. I can't get inside to shift stuff around, so there are some airspaces, but that seems to be minimal. I think I might be able to work a little longer tonight with the outside lights over and under the deck, and if I turn on lights in both bathrooms to shine out the windows.

I'll bet I walked several miles today. Each load I carry runs probably 40 pounds. A lot of it is old math and chemistry textbooks, and those suckers are heavy! Worse, the top edge of the dumpster is at chin level on me, so I have to lift high to heave junk over the side. You're supposed to be able to open the back, but it's on a slight slope toward the back, and I can just see everything sliding out and down the hill, so I didn't make more than a cursory attempt to open it.

I knew pretty much what to expect, but it's even worse than I thought. A three foot high stack of telephone books from Pittsburgh and Dallas, going back to 1975. A 1977 used car price guide. Every math and chemistry textbook he ever used. Every issue of every professional journal and ordinary magazine he ever received. Every listing from every computer program he ever worked on. Every manual for every system he was even remotely acquainted with. And more....

I was aware of two kites, but I found seven more. I threw out two chemistry sets ("no hazardous materials allowed in the dumpster!") on the theory that they were marketed for children, so there was unlikely to be anything too nasty in there. Then I found Jay's REAL chemistry sets! There are four boxes of bottles full of all kinds of nasty stuff. Most of the bottles are labeled on the lids, but one box, full of larger bottles wrapped in ancient brittle newspaper, didn't have visible labels. I unwrapped one bottle to see what it was, and tipped it on its side while unrolling the newspaper, and the cap was loose, and some liquid got on my right fingers. Stupid me. My fingers started to burn, so ... three guesses what I did. Yup. Stupid stupid me stuck my fingers in my mouth. I do know better than that! At about the same time the newspaper came off, and the label said acetic acid. I ran upstairs and ran my hands and mouth under water for a while. The acid must have weakened with age, because I seem to be suffering no ill effects now.

I don't know what I'm going to do with that stuff. I'm going to need someone who knows what it all is and how to dispose of it safely.

If I can't get enough light to fill dumpster tonight, or if it gets too cold, I'll still have plenty to keep me busy flattening all the boxes I emptied over the past month of sorting. I threw out two five-foot stacks of flattened boxes today, and I figure I've got that much more to flatten now that they're empty.

I am going to throw out Jay's skis. They're good skis, but they're locked together with the poles with a virtually indestructible combination lock, and of course, I don't have the combination. (Please, no suggestions. I MUST throw them out, and this is my excuse.) His ski boots, scuba mask and flippers, and lots of other stuff that I don't even know what it is -- already gone, buried under 30-year old textbooks and professional journals.

And I'd like to find the idiot who has given out my phone number as the contact for the Cub Scouts' Pinewood Derby. I'm getting tape-filling messages from people looking for information. I do call them back and tell them they've got the wrong number. I wish they could tell each other and get me out of the loop.

#607 Billion

The next time you hear someone in the government use the word "billion" casually, think about it.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend.

One advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases:

A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

A billion days ago no-one walked on two feet on earth.

And a billion dollars lasts 8 hours and 20 minutes at the rate our government spends it...

Scares the living daylights out of you, doesn't it?

#606 How I Ruined My Sister's Wedding

Background: I was born in 1944. My brother "Duke" was born in 1949, sister Sheryl in 1950, Janice in 1952, and David in early spring of 1960 I believe, during a difficult delivery that kept my mother in the hospital for months, and too weak to pick him up ever. Her strength gain was always behind his weight gain. So at the age of 15, in the 10th grade, I was the surrogate mother for the household - cooking, cleaning, shopping, changing and laundering diapers, sterilizing bottles, getting up for night feedings, and dealing with my violent father. David was pretty much my baby. I left him with a neighbor while I was in school, and picked him up after.

It was during this period that I first made plans to kill my father if he ever hit David. We lived on an Air Force base (my father was the commander), and it would have been easy to shoot him after a trip to the rifle range with the airmen (I was a darn good shot with a handgun). But I left for college in September of 1962, before David was old enough to be in danger, and I rarely went back for visits after that.

In about 1970, sister Janice got married. The reception was at my parents' home. My mother was a volunteer ride-along with the Orlando police, and the manager of a restaurant popular with the policemen, so she knew them all, and they all adored her. During the reception, there were always two or three patrol cars parked in front of the house. As another car arrived, they'd tweak the siren, and whoever had been there the longest would leave, and the next patrol car would pull in. So the living room was full of on-duty but on-break uniforms.

I walked into the kitchen just in time to see my father slap David so hard he spun. The bride had offered David a sip of champagne from her glass, and my father had walked in just as David tasted it.

I totally freaked.

My father was about 5'5", so in my high heels I was at nose-to-chin level with him. I pushed my face into his and shouted, "If you ever touch him (pointing to David) or her (pointing to my mother) again, I will kill you. I will get a gun, and I'll be on the next plane down here, and you won't know I'm coming. You'll be walking out of the house, or out of the dry cleaners, and I'll be there, and I'll blow your head off. Right between the eyes. Point blank. I will kill you. And there isn't a jury in the world that'll convict me when they hear what you've done to us. And don't think I won't find out. If you touch them someone will tell me. (All three other siblings nodded.) I WILL kill you!"

Then Duke stepped closer and said "And if she doesn't, I will."

Then Sheryl stepped in and said "And if they both miss, I won't."

I turned around to walk out, and saw at least six policemen crowded into the doorway, all looking very shocked, and studying the floor or the ceiling, like they were pretending they hadn't heard anything.

I was shaking so hard Ex#2 had to walk me around the block several times before he thought it was safe to go back to the house. When we got back, the reception was pretty much (prematurely) over.

My father died of a heart attack about 6 years later. I think my mother blamed me - he never did beat anyone again after my threat, and when he died, my mother said "His anger had nowhere to go but his heart."

Incidentally, nobody notified me that he had died until like two weeks after the funeral, so I didn't get to see him dead, to really know that he was dead, and for years afterward I had dreams that he was alive but that people were hiding him from me, and that he was stalking David to beat him. For years after, I rescued David in nightmares.

#605 This is a Stupid Title

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

The dumpster arrived today. I was also supposed to get tubes put in the garden cart tires, so the flippin' things won't twist under a heavy load, lose their air, and fall off, but the tubes didn't come in until late, so I get to have that done tomorrow morning. Then I start tossing! Everything that I haven't used or appreciated in the past two years, or can't think of a specific use for within the next two years, is going! (Um, except books. Books, I need to think harder about.) I'm not going to open all those boxes from Jay's old office. They're going out unopened.

I hope we don't have rain for a while. Today we had "gee, is that snow?" showers. It was about 38 degrees, but the wind was so stiff and cold that my ears fell off while I was showing the man where to put the dumpster.

Neighbor Anna stopped by early this morning, before I was dressed. She's in big trouble. Her husband has cleaned out the accounts and she has no money. She hasn't been able to stay anywhere for more than two nights because he calls all night long wherever she's staying, and after two sleepless nights and a dose of fear her friends ask her to leave. I asked how does he know where she's staying, and she said he calls all of her friends all night. Seems like that should be actionable....

He has a lawyer. I told her she needed one, but she said she has no money and would need a translator.

She got involved with some church group that made her give up the restraining order, telling her that they couldn't help the two of them get back together as long as she had the order against him, and as soon as she gave up the order, that's when he came back to the house and threw her out, and now the church folks have for some reason backed off and won't help her.

I don't completely understand. Her accent gets very thick when she gets emotional.

She says she's been trying to find a job, but - nothing. She wanted me to hire her for something, anything, but I have nothing she could do. And I'm not going to give her anything, either, because now I'm wondering if that's why she first appeared on my doorstep to begin with - because she saw this coming. She says he does this every five years or so, and they'd always gotten back together before. I asked if he beats her, and she said yes, there are hospital records from the last time.

So, I looked up some phone numbers today, and I'll call around tomorrow and see what social services and legal aid might be available, and see if I can help that way. I really really really don't want to get in the middle of this. Anyone who knows anything about my early life should understand why not. But for the exact same reason, I feel really bad for her.

Now, where did I put that Voodoo doll?

#604 More Reasons For Avoiding the News....

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Billings Learned Hand: "Liberty lies in the hearts of men and women; when it dies there, no constitution, no law, no court can even do much to help it. While it lies there it needs no constitution, no law, no court to save it."

I'm afraid that we're losing it. I was in my late teens and twenties during all the Viet Nam war protests. I remember how everyone had an opinion, and no one was afraid to express it. What has happened? Why have we become so complacent? Why aren't we objecting more strenuously to some of the really rotten things that have been going on? Why can't we quietly protest (T-shirts, placards, signs) anywhere a politician, or a reporter covering a politican, can see it? Why are people still being held without charges or legal representation? Why are our phones being tapped without judicial oversight? Someone said, in the '50s, referring to the fear of Communism, that the greatest threat to liberty is fear. Are we really allowing fear of terrorism to erode our liberties?

I don't understand.

Another thing that's been bugging me is the way "we" want Muslim nations to adopt our system of law and courts instead of Shari'a, and yet "we" want to inject more (radical Christian) religion into our own courts. Muslim Shari'a is not ok, but Christian religious law is?

I don't understand.

Read reports and commentary on Sandra Day O'Connor's speech to a group of lawyers, wherein she voices her fears over attacks on US democracy, which she sees as a path to dictatorship, at http://rawstory.com/news/2006/Retired_Supreme_Court_Justice_hits_attacks_0310.html
and http://www.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,,1729345,00.html. Note that she is a Republican, and was appointed to the Supreme Court by Ronald Reagan.

#603 Frustration!

I waited all afternoon, and the dumpster never came. The guy called about 3:30 and said that the driver had been held up because high winds had closed the transfer station, slowing him down on his schedule. They'll deliver it tomorrow morning. For my inconvenience, they are going to discount an amount equal to the fuel surcharge and the state tax.

#602 Amusement

The following came off a Yahoo jokes group. Most of the jokes are pretty bad, especially when the German guys try to make up their own. These aren't technically jokes, I guess, but I found them amusing.

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All about Marketing

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
- That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing yourself slightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
- That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
- That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
- That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
- That's Spam

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THIS EXPLAINS IT ALL.....

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

HMO's and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's cocaine conviction is none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960's is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80's is irrelevant.

#601 Pity Post

Monday, March 13, 2006

Marge Simpson: We can't afford to shop at any store that has a philosophy.

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You know, one of the things that happens to me over and over, and always distresses me, is that my accomplishments get ignored. Over and over at work, people got awards for things I had done to no acclaim the month before. One summer at work I turned in over $3,700,000 in cost effectiveness achievements, the most they had ever received in one year from one person ever. Six months later, they started a "Millionaires Club" for anyone who did a million or over, with awards and bulletin board recognition. They didn't make it retroactive. I was never mentioned. No one ever knew. (I didn't even know until then that over a million was something special.) Stuff like that happens to me all the time.

So I went to the spa last Friday, and there's a board, "Congratulations!" to the following members, who had lost 2" or more over the past month. I lost 4". I wasn't on the board. And I'm a lot smaller than anyone else, so it's proportionately an even greater accomplishment. Left out and forgotten again.

It didn't surprise me. Sometimes I feel invisible.

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The man came early today to clean the furnace, so that's out of the way for another year. While he was here I took the torn tire off the garden cart. If I take it to the tire store in Rhinebeck, they can order a new one for me. I really want to use that cart to get stuff up the hill from the basement to the dumpster, but I'm afraid I won't get the new tire in time. All I can do is try....

#600 Sunday Goddess

Monday, March 13, 2006

Laverne on "Empty Nest": Those who help those who won't help themselves are stupid.

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Man, I'm so goddessed-out I can't even remember yesterday. Everything is all running together.

There were a few children at the fest. One particular little boy (6 years old?) was totally out of control all three days. If he wasn't running in circles and climbing on everything, he was up on the balcony that wrapped around the room throwing hats and napkins down onto the stage and dance floor, or running the circle around the balcony - thud thud thud while people were trying to perform. And his father sat there in dreds and rasta cap smiling at the kid. Like he was proud of him. (This IS Woodstock, after all.)

After I had left Saturday night, the kid knocked something glass off the counter, something made of very thin glass, so Sunday there were tiny shards of glass all over the floor, tracked everywhere. The girls dance in bare feet! So The Pixie and I swept the floor. And swept and swept. My comment was that I'd like to spank the kid's father.

I remember (and my memory is all mixed up now) only one group dancing Sunday, Serpentessa's advanced students. They were fun. One very pretty girl didn't smile the whole time - a few times she almost broke into a smile and then she quashed it. It's ok to keep a deadpan expression when dancing, but when you do, you should keep your eyes lowered, or look at your hands. That sends the feeling of shyness, or intense internal communion. Otherwise, deadpan audience contact looks like fear or boredom. If you look up, if you make eye contact with the audience, you really should have some expression. A smile, anger, challenge, flirtation, wonder, something.

There was a beautiful white-haired woman who played the guitar and sang. She was good, and enjoyable. But, well, it's Woodstock. I don't always "get" the music. Especially original stuff. And it was hard to hear the words over that rotten kid. She also sang one song in duet with the woman who sang at the harp on Saturday, and the harmony was very nice.

The Gypsy, the Pixie, and I walked to the art gallery to see the Dark Prince's work. I was expecting photographs, because that's what I know of him, but there was only one (amazing) photograph. The rest of his work was paintings, his chief interest. We've gotta get him to do some larger work for next year.

The owner of the gallery had some wood pieces of her own work displayed, double-sided panels about 7 feet tall, carved/painted/inlaid. I was very interested in one of them, and asked how much it was (I expected a high figure - the amount of work in them was amazing), and then found out that they were three of a four-part set, that, when finished, would sell for something like $170,000. Oops.

A postscript: Concerning the college group that danced Saturday, it turns out I called it right. They don't have an instructor. They just got together and started dancing.

Driving home, I took a side trip past the little four-room log cabin I had lived in when I first moved to this area. (The place in Ruby that I had showed you, Daughter.) Well, it isn't there any more. Instead, there's a big two-story colonial!

And another piece of nostalgia bites the dust.

#599 Saturday Goddess

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Amos B. Alcott: To be ignorant of one's ignorance is the malady of the ignorant.

Another interesting evening in Woodstock.

The first group of dancers was from a local "artsy-fartsy" expensive private local college (no, not Vassar). Which meant that a lot of students had come to see their friends dance. They were NOT a nice bunch of kids. They were loud and drunk, and out of every five words, one was the "f-word", and the other was "like". At least that was true of the bunch clustered around where I was sitting, at the end of the bar. They especially frustrated me because they had no respect for the performers. There was a woman playing a harp and singing, and when she began playing, the kids, instead of hushing so others could hear, got louder so they could be heard over the performer. If I were running the show, I'd have thrown them out (or at least asked them to move to the lobby). They were so loud that the singer at first thought her mike wasn't working.

Then the college group danced. Now, before I tear into them, I should note that I realize that they are students, and they probably haven't been studying mid-eastern dance for long. However, there are some very basic things that they should know before they get up on a stage. Like, I doubt that anyone has ever mentioned the word "isolation" to any of them. It looked like they had seen a bellydancer somewhere, and said "Hey, that's easy. I can do that!" and proceeded to do so. Ladies, if you don't know how to do snake arms, don't do them! And it's a shoulder shake, NOT a boob shake! Isolate those ribs! And never EVER kick back and display the sole of your foot to the audience. I was shocked - that's a gross insult! Please remain rooted to the earth. You draw your strength from the earth.

One of the group was apparently the instructor. She had good moves, but there was heavy jazz and ballet mixed into her solo, which is ok only if you call it "fusion".

The place was full of experienced mid-eastern dancers, and it was significant that although there was plenty of applause for them (dancers will always appreciate and support courage) there were NO zagreets*. Not even from me, and I'll do it at the drop of a veil.

Lady Aleeza did her tambourine dance, which I always like. However, she didn't do the super sexy apache-like dance with her husband. He was in full costume, so I had assumed he would be dancing too, but he just drummed.

The Gypsy (Crimson Gypsy Designs) had her renaissance fashion show. I'd seen a lot of her clothing in photos and occasionally on dressmaker dummies, or running through a sewing machine, but this was the first time I'd seen her things on bodies in motion. Gypsy, I'm changing my planned order. I want the "Ruffled Chemise with Gauntlet Cuff Sleeves" and either the "Classic Bodice" or the "Victorian Sweetheart Corset". Or both. I'll probably need a lot of custom fitting (even with the weight off my measurement ratios will be unusual), so let's talk after I've lost the rest of the weight, and when you have a slow period. Like next fall, maybe.

You can always tell when a very special dancer is next up. At Rakkasah, the enormous room full of a gazillion vendors and attendees suddenly goes quiet, and people stand three deep along the walls near the stage and sit on the floor practically under the apron. And they wait. The anticipation is palpable. After the fashion show last night, the room suddenly went quiet. Women, especially other dancers, sat on the floor in front of the tables, encroaching on the dance space, which had not been done for any other dancer. People edged up to the pastry case like they were pretending to buy something, but instead turned, three deep, to the dance floor. An anticipatory hush descended. And then Willow danced.

I know she knows she's good, but I don't think she knows how good. She does incredibly difficult things with no apparent effort. She flows and floats, with incredible strength and muscle control and no bones and pure feeling for the music. (Willow, I wouldn't want you to get a swelled head, so stop reading about a paragraph back.) The zagreets are quieter because when she dances, everyone's throat closes.

We have been urging her to dance at Rakkasah - she should be better known, and she's in her prime right now - but she has always been too busy. Her life is full, and it's here, which is good, but I feel like the rest of the country is missing something by not having seen her dance. A sadness.

I skipped out early again, before the last dancer. I had been sitting on a stool, and my back had about had it by 11 pm.

Going back today.

(*Zagreet - ululations. A piercing sound of encouragement. Also zaghreet, zahgreet, zagreeb, sahgreeb, and multiple other variations. Open your mouth slightly, and say "lu lu lu lu". Now tighten your throat, pitch your voice higher, pull your tongue back a bit, and "lu lu" faster. Your tongue should vibrate, with a buzz, against the top front of your palate.)

#598 Friday Goddess Continued

I walked. It wasn't as warm as promised, but I didn't wear a jacket anyway. Optimism. I may be sorry tomorrow. (Sniffle....)

I forgot to mention a whole bunch of stuff.

The Dark Prince is now sporting a new haircut. His hair had been very long, but I was aware he had recently donated his hair to Locks of Love, so I was looking forward to seeing his new do. He looks absolutely fantastic! It's curly on top and close on the sides, and sexy as all getout. Even the shape of his face is different. If I were The Pixie, I'd fall in love all over again.

Anna, the neighbor whom I was supposed to take to Physical Therapy at an ungodly early hour Tuesday and Thursday of last week, is having some trouble. She wasn't there when I stopped by for her on Tuesday, so I left a note on her door asking her to call me. When she hadn't called by Wednesday evening, I called her. I don't know where she was (the number she gave me must have been a cell phone), but she said her husband had thrown her out, and she was staying at a friend's house. I didn't get any details because she didn't seem to want to talk.

The next day, the Hunk told me that he didn't see how her husband could have thrown her out, since she has a restraining order against him and he isn't allowed anywhere near the house. Apparently, the number of police calls to that address is the talk of the neighborhood. All very strange. I've sat in her kitchen drinking tea, and she, when she talked about her husband, never gave any hint of a problem - like he'd be home from work in a few hours, just like normal. I guess this sort of explains her plan to sell the house and move to wherever her daughter plans to go to college. I couldn't understand that before.

I feel like I should call her again, but on the other hand I don't know her all that well and I am a little bit afraid to get involved. On the third hand, if she has an order against him, he CAN'T throw her out, so maybe she should be urged to call the police. On the fourth hand, she's staying with a friend, and that friend has likely told her that. Round and round. Mainly, I guess, I don't want to get involved in something where I don't know the dangers, and history says she might not tell me. The Hunk implied that the husband is dangerous and violent, with a short fuse. Now I even wonder if her broken wrist was from a fall on the ice, as she'd told me. Maybe I'm proving my Nohari right - I AM aloof.

This isn't gossip, by the way, because you don't know her, there's only one person who might know her who knows this journal even exists (and not even this one, but the previous AOL one), and I don't think he ever reads it. And Anna isn't her real name. I'll even point out, if I have to, that I don't know what the truth is. It's just a story. Something I am thinking about and fussing over right now. I hate to feel like I'm turning my back on her.

#597 Friday Goddess

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Kenneth W. Sollitt: That which one man receives without working for, another man works for without receiving. (No connection to what follows....)

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I didn't walk yesterday because although it was near 70 degrees out, there was a stiff wind, and black clouds rolling in. It never did rain, but the threat was too real. So instead, I did three rounds on the machines instead of my usual two, and followed that with 20 crunches.

I went to the Goddess Festival in Woodstock, and met up with The Gypsy, The Pixie, The Dark Prince, and a few other people I hadn't seen in at least two months. They all complimented the weight loss, which was nice. I'm losing so slowly that people who see me more than once a month don't notice. The drummers and dancers were very good - Perizad's group's basket dance is a lot of fun. I hope they always include it.

I had been up since 6:30 with broken sleep the night before, so by 11 pm I was pooped, and I skipped out before the last couple of shows.

It looks good outside - supposed to be in the 70s, so I plan to walk this afternoon. Tonight I want to visit the gallery where The Dark Prince's photographs are on display before the Goddess festivities restart. It's going to be a late night, so I'm glad I got some good sleep last night.

My daffodils are already up a good three inches. Spring is coming.

#596 Whoosh! Gone....

When Love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep. - Kahlil Gibran

The Goddess Festival starts tonight in Woodstock, and I want to walk and exercise before I go, so -- here's a quick entry. Don't blink.

#595 Breaking the Log Jam!

Ok. Progress. I'm getting a 10 yard dumpster delivered next Tuesday, and it will be here for one week (will 10 yards be big enough? I don't care! I'll repeat as many times as it takes!) It's $360 as long as I don't go over 2 tons. I'm excited! I'm going to have them put it on the side of the house so I can carry stuff up the side yard from the basement instead of up the stairs - most of it is paper, heavy. Watch us get three feet of snow on Monday.... I don't care! I'll keep it as long as it takes!

I managed to sell the BP/Amoco stock over the phone without the silly investor id number. I guess I don't really need it after all. Strange part - I called the "get your online account access password" phone number, and they asked me what I wanted to do, and I said I wanted to sell some stock, and they took the sell order - and never did give me the password. Duh? Pretty much the same thing with the ChevronTexaco stock.

It would appear that if you know someone's social security number, you could sell stock right out from under them without their knowledge or permission. The check goes to the address of record, so they'd get the proceeds, but still - you sold their stock! Do it right before a big jump in value, or while it's still short-term gains, and you could really hurt them. Isn't that interesting....

#594 Bonfire

Wednesday, March 8, 2006

I had a list of important to-dos today, but I ended up doing other things instead. The Hunk called this morning about burning the brush pile (well over 5 feet high at this point), so I spent most of the late morning and afternoon picking up more of the winter's fallen branches from all over the yard and tending the bonfire.

Then he and another guy got up on the roof to take measurements, to give me an estimate for replacing the shingles. He says there was never a cap put on the peak. 20 years without a cap! Might help to explain the periodic leaks around the fireplace and in the kitchen (only in very bad storms or heavy snow). He also said that the cement cap on the chimney is badly pitted and needs to be replaced before the roof can be done, and the third flue, which is unused, has a covering over it which is pitted, holey, and probably is allowing water in. Sigh. So I spent some time looking up chimney repair companies.

Piper wants me to sell more stock (BP Amoco and Chevron Texaco), so I went to the website for the companies holding the book-entry shares, and found out that I need my "12 character investor id". They can't use the social security number any more, so "you'll find your new number on the stub from your most recent dividend check". Great. I had always kept the stubs, but I recently decided that since I never ever look at them, it was just contributing to the paper glut here to keep them, so I've been throwing them out. I couldn't spend much time on the phone trying to find a real person to talk to, to explain the problem, because Roman was going to call this afternoon, and I didn't want to miss his call because he was going to be working tonight. I was even leaving the phone off the hook when I was out tending the fire so that he'd be sure to call back.

So, tomorrow's to do list looks a lot like today's.

One thing I did do was gather up the past month's paper piles and throw them on the fire. A lot of it was newspapers and magazines I hadn't even read yet. Good riddance. I haven't been able to get to the recycle center in ages, so it was building up. The center is open only certain hours on Wednesdays and on Saturday mornings, and every Saturday morning for the next few weekends is booked. And we saw what happened to today....

I'm off to burn more stuff.

#593 Questions 18 thru 22

I was up at 6:30 this morning, and at Anna's house at 7:30 to take her to the hospital for her physical therapy appointment - and she wasn't home. Huh? I left a note on her door asking her to call me, "Did I get the wrong day?", and she hasn't called. So now I'm a little worried. I'm supposed to take her Thursday morning, too.

Piper called mid-morning, so I went in to his office to discuss what's happening with the bond purchases, and then we had one of those multi-hour lunches. I like talking with him (when he's not taking about the market). He has a wonderful grasp of people, motives, and relationships. Oddly, he left his wife of a gazillion years several years ago, and he seems not sure why, except that it was the right thing to do. Physician, heal thyself?

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Continuing with questions from The Book of Questions, by Gregory Stock, Ph.D., Workman Publishing Company, Inc., $6.95. (If you like the idea, you should buy the book. Get yourself all the questions at once.)

18. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one ability or quality, what would it be?
Social skills. The ability to engage strangers in conversation. Knowing the proper thing to say in various situations. Knowing what NOT to say. I can get through maybe the first two or three exchanges, and then I go dead. I don't know where to go from there. I even forgot to say things like "Good morning" or "Hello" when I passed people in the halls at work. Partly I think it's that I don't like talking just to exchange useless information. People who ask "How are you?" when they don't really want to know annoy the hell out of me. My friend Fran and Daughter have both scolded me, "When someone asks how you are, the proper answer is 'fine, thank you'. They don't really want to hear about your ingrown toenail, or how much work you have." My response of course is "Then why do they ask?" So, the skill I'd want to painlessly acquire is the ability to engage in inane and meaningless conversation. Doesn't sound like an ability I'm likely to grow it myself, does it?

19. You have the chance to meet someone with whom you can have the most satisfying love imaginable -- the stuff of dreams. Sadly, you know that in six months the person will die. Knowing the pain that would follow, would you still want to meet the person and fall in love?
Yes. I'd rather love and lose than never to have loved at all (knowing of the possibility in advance).
What if you knew your lover would not die, but would betray you?
In that case I'd rather skip it. If he is going to betray me, then it wasn't "the most satisfying love" to begin with. It's not satisfying unless it's reciprocal. Betrayal would make the whole experience a lie.

20. If you knew of a way to use your estate, following your death, to greatly benefit humanity, would you do it and leave only a minimal amount to your family?
Um, define "greatly benefit humanity". And if my money can "greatly benefit humanity", then it probably wouldn't take all that much to do it. And if it doesn't take that much, then how 'bout we let some fabulously rich person do it with a piddling little portion of their estate, that their heirs wouldn't even miss. Besides, if Daughter is fine with the idea, then let her donate it after she gets it.

21. Do you prefer being around men or women? Do your closest friends tend to be men or women?
Both, at different times. They both have their advantages. Same with friendships, although men have been my longer-term friendships. Women tend to drift off as their lives and concerns change.

22. If you could use a voodoo doll to hurt anyone you choose, would you?
This is similar to question 11, where I invoked the fifth, but here we are just hurting them, not killing them. Again, it would be very tempting, and this time I might not be able to resist the temptation. Right now, I can't think of anyone I'd want to use it on, but there have been candidates in the past, and there may be some in the future. But I probably wouldn't actually use it. It would just be so satisfying to have the ability to.

#592 The End.

In the briefest terms possible, after a two-month "break", Roman and I spent the past weekend together at a regional Mensa gathering in central New Jersey. We almost didn't survive it. There was a lot of anger and frustration. You have to give the guy credit. He knew what was likely to happen, and he went anyway, and it was an effort that he made for me. It was a release for me and an ordeal for him.

We did survive.

I think my feelings for him are stronger now than before, because I trust him more now. I believe in him. I understand much better what's been going on, and, well, I am content.

Anyone who thought that he was using and abusing me, that he was manipulating me, I can assure you now that was not the case. Well, actually he was manipulating me, but I finally understand his motive, and it's ok. It was not dishonorable - it was simply the actions of a male trying to protect himself. I believe he was and is sincere and honorable in his intentions toward me. We may be able to break the negative feedback spiral we were in.

It may or may not work out, but at least, right now, for the moment, I think we can try.

In the past, I had a lot of confusion and pain, and I had nowhere to take it except to Daughter, a few friends, and these pages, in a search for understanding. I hope that now Roman and I will be able to talk more openly. So, you may not see him mentioned here for a while.

Wish us luck.