3019 Honeymoon

Monday, July 12, 2010

"Punctuality is the virtue of the bored."
-- Evelyn Waugh --

----------------------------------------------------------

It hadn't ever occurred to me before, but even though I've been married three times, I've never had a proper fancy honeymoon. I'm not even sure what a honeymoon is supposed to be like. I imagine it as getting away from regular life, job, family, being romantic and relaxing, a lot of snuggling and talking, stuff like that. Like a really nice vacation "with benefits".

Ex#1 had come home on leave from Germany to attend my college graduation (in August), and informed me that we were getting married immediately. (I didn't want to, but that's another story.) Quick wedding, and then since I had arranged to rent a room in a widow's home in Gettysburg to start my teaching job and he had to return to Germany, we spent the three days remaining of his leave in a one-room hunting cabin somewhere in the Pennsylvania woods that a friend had offered him. I got to keep house and play maid and servant for three days with no electricity, a well with a pump, a wood stove, an outhouse, no tub or shower, and oil lanterns. And no curtains on the windows. It was very damp and hot. Sorry. I can't consider that a honeymoon.

Ex#2 and I had a very small informal wedding, and then we went somewhere for a few days, I don't remember where, but it wasn't very far, not very special. Certain parts of his anatomy, um, didn't work. Before we were married, I thought his lack of pressure for intimacy was respect for me, and I was impressed. He, in fact, had told me about a torrid relationship with another woman (which turned out to be a myth), so I was even more impressed with his respect for me. Well, it wasn't respect. I guess he thought simply getting married would fix the problem. When it didn't, he withdrew completely from me, didn't speak to me for the whole trip.

When we returned, we discovered that his sister had "decorated" my house with corn flakes. They were everywhere - in the bed, in my clothing drawers, in the pockets of clothes in the closets, in every dish, bowl, and cup in the cupboards, in vases and decorative bottles.

That wasn't bad enough. She had added water to the corn flakes in all the containers. It had rotted and fermented, grown mold, and attracted bugs. Maggots. The stink was incredible. I had a collection of decorative bottles with narrow necks, and it was impossible to clean the crud out of them - I had to throw them all away. This after a week with a new husband who had refused to acknowledge my presence in the room or car rather than have to talk about the problem.

I didn't consider any of that much of a honeymoon, either. Not according to what I had imagined a honeymoon should be.

Jay and I got married in the judge's chambers with my daughter and a friend of hers as witnesses, and then we just came back to this house and went on with life. But every day with Jay was like a honeymoon, so I didn't miss the "hey, we're newlyweds" bit, and we did have some nice trips over the remaining few years that were every bit as romantic as a honeymoon. In fact, on those trips, we were always asked if we were newly wed, even that last trip to Hawaii, when he was so sick.

So, did I miss anything? Is a proper honeymoon trip everything it's cracked up to be?
.