Monday, June 08, 2009

2428 Playing the field

Monday, June 8, 2009

On the boat yesterday I happened to overhear a group of women discussing dating. I think someone asked one woman if she was still seeing so-and-so, and she said no, because he wasn't too happy about her simultaneously dating several others. The opinion of the group seemed to be that yes, one should be free to date others, as many men as possible, BUT, they all agreed that one sleeps with only one of them.

I tuned out at that point. My head was spinning. I don't understand how that works.

If you're dating six men, and sleeping with only one of them, how do you hold the other five off? How long can you hold them off? Is it fair to them? Are you wasting their time? Do you tell them to stop hoping for sex? Do you urge them to date others, too? How 'bout the one you're sleeping with? Is he allowed to casual date too?

I also have the "one man at a time" rule. I don't think I would like me if I were sleeping with more than one man at a time. But I don't know how to do that and also date other guys. The only way I could date several men is if I'm sleeping with none of them, so they all have an equal stance, (which would pretty much mean I am attracted to none of them), and since I prefer very sexual men, I don't think they'd happily stick around long, no matter how much they like me.

At my age, men come in two varieties - they don't want to waste time (there's so little left), or they're incapable. The ones who don't want to waste time usually expect to score by the third or fourth date, if not before.

Back when I was meeting men through online dating sites, I was surprised at the number of men who asked about sex on the first or second meeting. Mostly in the form of "What do you think about...". My response was always, "I like sex, a lot, and I've heard I'm pretty durn good at it, but I don't sleep with anyone casually. I don't do casual, period. I need friendship, trust, and some degree of commitment first. That takes a while."

None of the men cared for that answer. It was like they wanted to check out compatibility right away, so there's no time wasted. One guy spat, "I have female friends. I don't need more. I'm sick and tired of women leading me on." He didn't get a third date.

I get that attitude a lot. Even The Man said that he'll give it three months, absolute outside limit, and if it doesn't look like it's going to happen, he'll give up, figuring that she must not much care for sex. That wasn't early in our relationship. If it was, *I* may not have stuck around that long.

(Incidentally, I heard from many men doing the online dating attempt, even several male friends, not just guys I met online, that they meet women who seem perfect, and they wine them and dine them and gift them for months, and in the end they discover that the women just want dates, they have no interest in sex at all. Ever. I don't understand that, either.)

So, just a few more things I don't understand.

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