1377 Relationship Signs

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Chris, in his latest post over there at Inane Thoughts & Insane Ramblings, talks about how and whether you can judge the health of a relationship by witnessing the interactions of the couple. (Go to his blog for the discussion, book reference, and quotes.) The following is Chris's words, and he says:

"So when I evaluate a relationship, I look for signs of cherishing and respect. If it is not there, I don't see that relationship lasting. Cherish is the opposite of contempt, one of Gottman's Four Horseman [Gottman is a researcher w/ a 95% success rate in predicting relationship long term success. The 4 dooming signs include contempt, defensiveness, criticism, and stonewalling.].

I guess that makes sense. Cherishing is a positive indicator that is the flip side of Gottman's negative predictor (contempt). After all, you can't cherish someone and hold them in contempt at the same time.... "

This is another one of those things that when you hear it, you say, "Well, yeah. Duh." You feel like you've known it always, and yet, you'd never thought about it before, never put it together so neatly. People never get the credit they should when they speak universal truths. The next day, everyone acts like they've known it forever, not noticing that their way of thinking and acting has changed since the day before.

Chris's post kicked off a new train of thought in me.

Back to Gottman's four dooming signs: contempt, defensiveness, criticism, and stonewalling. I fully agree with that. Absolutely. Every failed relationship I've ever seen, or have been in, has had one or more of those four. By the end, my second marriage had all four on both sides. (We dragged that train wreck out way too long.)

Every successful relationship I've known has had all four of the opposites, which I see as respect, faith/comfort, acceptance, and openness. I had all of those with Jay. Just as you can see dooming signs almost instantly, everyone instantly saw the good signs in us.

The 30s-ish daughter of a friend recently asked her father, essentially, how you can tell when someone is or is not "the right person". He's been divorced three times, and recently ended a 4-5 year relationship. His divorce from the daughter's mother, after 35 years of marriage, was rather nasty, and I think perhaps the daughter is afraid to attempt a relationship, afraid that they all end badly, so why try.

There's a lot of advice out there, much of it of the "similar values, beliefs, background" variety as predictors of a good match. And, yes, that's what was wrong with my first marriage - we were poles apart in the values, beliefs, background areas, BUT! That wasn't the basic problem! The problem was that we didn't have respect or tolerance for each other's values, etc. With respect and acceptance, any difference can actually be a positive factor.

Unfortunately, none of the advice is any good at the beginning of a relationship. When the pheromones and hormones are flying, you don't see the warning signs. You make excuses for the inexcusable. People around you might see it (those dooming signs) and even tell you, but you don't listen, because "they don't know him/her like I do, they don't understand". It's only after the bloody end that you can look back and realize they were right.

About the only advice I can give is to listen to your friends (not family - Daughter disliked Jay until she got to know him, then she disliked the way I treated him. She was too close and had other issues of her own.) Anyway, bring your new romantic interest around your friends. Listen to specific comments they may have, especially as pertain to your interactions with him or her. Even strangers may contribute astute perceptions.

They may not know about the "four dooming signs", but they'll see them anyway if they're there.

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Me? I'm not going to settle. I shall insist on respect, faith/comfort, acceptance, and openness. I can't say I'd rather be alone than accept less, but I WANT the whole package.
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