#454 Pity Party - Going It Alone

There was a set of questions going around journals some days or weeks back, one of which was something like "When was the last time you went to a movie alone, and what did you see?"

Most of those who answered the question were of the opinion that going to a movie alone was just too pitiful for words.

I go to movies alone all the time.

Last night, for example, "Pride and Prejudice" at the Upstate. Followed by dinner alone. With a book. Another Saturday night alone.

This Saturday was the worst yet. I am frankly jealous. I don't know how long I can do this.

My friends are all paired off, married, too old, don't drive at night, or are too far away to get together for something as trivial as a movie. I've gone to a few movies just lately with Roman, but when I have time with him, I'd rather we spent the time talking. I'd rather look at him than sit next to him staring at a flickering screen. So, I go to movies alone.

I don't think that's at all as pitiful as sitting in front of the TV, watching the new year's ball drop, alone. Now, THAT's pitiful.

With the exception of 1992 through 2000, when I was with Jay, that's how I've spent every other New Year's Eve of my entire life. With no one to kiss.

You'd think, hey, you had lots of boyfriends, and two previous husbands, what gives?

Well, in high school, I babysat every New Year's. In college, everyone else went home from Christmas through New Year's, so I was left alone in the dorm. When I was dating Ex#1, he worked holidays - more money.

Then after we got married, Ex#1 was away in the Army the whole time we were married. We had one New Year's Eve, but that was after he separated from the army, and I had decided I wanted a divorce. I wasn't strong enough to leave over his objections - I wanted him to agree, to want me to leave. So I didn't spend a lot of time at home. New Year's Eve, I got all dressed up and left the house without saying anything to him, and I went to a club where there was a big party. I didn't go in - I had no reservation - I just wrapped myself up in blankets and slept in the car in the parking lot until morning. Even that didn't faze him. A month later, I left anyway. (Eight months later, he remarried.)

I was married to Ex#2 for twelve years or more, but every New Year's Eve he was either passed out drunk by midnight, or had gone to bed early. Holidays depressed him. All holidays. There actually were a few New Year's when we were visiting his family, and he did stay awake and relatively sober, but he'd be out with the guys at midnight, shooting guns at the moon. THEN he'd pass out.

So, except for Jay, most of my life I've greeted the New Year alone. No one to kiss in the New Year.

You KNOW what this is leading up to.

I'm already anticipating much unhappiness in a month or so.

I don't know why I do stuff like this to myself.

Sniffle.

~~Silk