3174 Now I'm getting scared.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved
to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
-- Scott Adams --

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FW is heating up, and I don't understand why. I wouldn't be surprised to find her coming at me with a jar of acid. I'm not kidding. I almost never lock my front door during daylight, but I'm locking it now. She's flat-out crazy.

I have found that I can usually let go of things by writing them out, so here goes. The history. This is pretty long, as is every study in madness.

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She's a member of Mid-Hudson Mensa. At a group dinner in late 2006, I mentioned that I couldn't remember ever going out for New Year's Eve. She mentioned a dinner and a good retro band, but she couldn't afford it, so we decided to go together, and I paid for the evening for both of us.

We enjoyed it. We started going to parties, dances, dinners, movies, and so on together. She and I are very different (she's a nudist, heavy marijuana user, politically involved, artistic, and she has described herself as bi in the past "but is no longer"), so I found her views fascinating. She's on disability, so I usually footed the bill. I didn't mind, because I have it and at least I was getting out.

This was also the period when Roman was jerking me around, and I needed someone to talk with. She was madly in love with a guy who was living with another woman, with whom he had two or three small children. They used to get together at a place back in the woods near Mohonk where nudists hung out all summer. (She tried many times to talk me into going there with her, but I'm absolutely not a nudist, not even close, and from the stories, it wasn't a place for people just to be free of clothing restrictions - it was more a place for gays to cruise and straights to roll around together in the poison ivy - very sexually charged.) Or he'd show up at her house and they'd roll around there, then he'd leave. He kept promising her he was going to leave the other woman, but it showed no signs of happening.

Anyway, within a few months, she was chewing me out for not being attentive enough. She informed me that she expected chatty phone calls, a minimum of once a week. I'd told her many times that I hate the telephone, when I make a call to anyone, it's brief, to conduct some kind of business or ask a question, I just don't EVER call anyone just to chat. I hate the telephone! Even my cell phone was turned on only in emergencies. She continued to castigate me for not calling. She said some nasty things to me over my not calling. (Note - she rarely called me because it was a toll call.) She said hurtful things that left me feeling bad.

Things bumped on that way through most of 2007. I, by early summer, had started turning down invitations, because it seemed that no matter what I did, how I was, it wasn't what she thought I should do/say/be, it just wasn't enough for her. She was very demanding, and vicious when things didn't go as she wanted.

In September of 2007, she decided she wanted to go to the Mensa Hallowe'en gathering in Chicago, but she didn't want to go alone. I wasn't particularly interested, but she talked me into it. What the heck, this is supposed to be one of the largest and best of the regional gatherings, so ok, at least I'd have someone to go with. (I absolutely wouldn't have gone alone, so this was an opportunity.) I said yes, and paid for my gathering registration and four nights at the hotel, and made the flight reservation.

A week later, she informed me that she couldn't afford both the gathering registration and the plane ticket. I shrugged and paid her gathering registration. A few days after that, she asked if she could share my room, since she couldn't afford a room of her own. By now, I'm already into this for two registrations, four days' room for me, and my plane ticket, almost $1,000. Either I find her a place to sleep, or cancel everything and take the loss, or I end up going alone. I don't share a room, ever, except with a man I'm sleeping with, it just doesn't work for me, so I shrugged and reserved another room for four nights for her.

Yeah, you feel what's coming next? A few days later she says she can't afford the plane ticket. I somewhere acquired some balls and wished her luck finding a courier ticket or something. No, I couldn't afford to fly her out. Sorry.

I guess she found some money somewhere, because she made it to the gathering. I arrived Thursday afternoon, she arrived in the evening, and we had dinner at the hotel. She was having new troubles with that guy, and talked steadily about him during dinner. I knew she wouldn't want to hear what I had to say about him, so I listened, I really was attentive, "uh huh"ed at the appropriate moments, didn't say anything against him, and refrained from changing the topic.

She didn't sleep in her room Thursday night. She spent the whole night in the hospitality suite, drinking and talking, and then slept most of Friday.

Friday night was the Hallowe'en party. She decided she was going to go '60s and had asked me if I knew how to do a beehive. I said yes, so she decided I was going to do her hair early that evening. At a time of her choosing, of course. It took 1.5 hours. There were two presentations I wanted to see that I blew off to do her hair. She slept in her room that night, BUT, and I'm sorry, but I found this unbelievable, she informed me that night that she was leaving the gathering in the morning to meet a blind date in Chicago, and would be going clubbing with him Saturday and Sunday nights, and would be staying with him until her return home Monday. I asked if she had canceled the hotel room for those nights, and she acted surprised.

So Saturday morning I frogmarched her down to the desk and made sure she canceled the room, and wished her luck with the rest of the weekend. So, except for dinner Thursday, doing her hair Friday, and checking her out on Saturday morning, I was there alone for the gathering. Exactly what I didn't want to do. I felt royally used. She just wanted a trip to Chicago.

Well the next week, she called me and chewed me out up one side and down the other for not being sympathetic enough at dinner Thursday! I, like a guilty puppy, just took her abuse. I said nothing. In fact, I think I may even have apologized. It was only later that I realized that I had done nothing wrong. No thank you for the registration and room, no thank you for blowing off my plans and doing her hair instead, nothing. I felt royally used.

I did nothing, said nothing. But the next time she called, wanting to go to dinner or something, I told her that I didn't think I could be around her any more, that she made me feel bad too often, that I had worked very hard to learn to like myself and I couldn't allow her to keep tearing me down, so no, I don't think our getting together is a good idea.

That was 2007.

Now, she was the president of the local Mensa group, and I had volunteered to rewrite the Bylaws. The sessions were to be held at her home, as central to the three of us on the committee. That worked out ok. We were civil. And then something terrifying happened in April of 2008. It's amusingly described here: http://thesilkentouch.blogspot.com/2008/04/1752-psycho-ex-girlfriend.html.

I had to "break up with her" all over again.

In June, another group member, John, was having a cookout and invited all the active members. When he called her to invite her, he asked for other members' phone numbers. She wouldn't give him my number. She told him not to bother calling me, she'd call me and tell me about it. She never did. When I heard about the cookout, I was a little hurt that everyone but me (I?) had been invited. Of course, no one knew that FW had told John she'd take care of it, John didn't know she hadn't, and of course no one was going to ask John why I hadn't been invited.

That was all in 2008.

In 2009, other people in the group starting having run-ins with her. There was a public incident in a restaurant which resulted in the group treasurer resigning on the spot. Other members of the governing board were accused of undermining her control when they simply did what they thought were their duties. She was getting increasingly paranoid and irrational. A possible contributing factor was that the guy she'd been involved with married the other woman and moved to the Carolinas.

In August of 2009, she had to go to the hospital for surgery, and, amazingly, called me to ask me to take her to the hospital and to help her. I did. Somehow, that's an "of course". I was still thinking we could be civil. That story is here: http://thesilkentouch.blogspot.com/2009/08/2464-day-in-hospital.html.

That was 2009.

In March of 2010, we had the public "F**k you" screaming incident, described at http://thesilkentouch.blogspot.com/2010/03/2803-buck-you-fuddy.html, in case you skipped it in the previous post.

2010 was a group election year. I was on the nominating committee, and I worked hard to get a full slate. Several of the people nominated were people she'd had problems with. She announced that she wasn't going to run for reelection, and I didn't push her to change her mind. She started skipping governing board meetings, and then suddenly resigned her position. She dropped out of the Yahoo group. She withdrew from chapter activities, which was a relief for a lot of people, because they had gone beyond finding her merely difficult to work with, and were beginning to actively fear her.

Several people told me that she had decided to no longer take her medications. She thought she could function without them. That scared ME! Not for me, for her.

Our last direct contact had been the "F**k you" thing. The next time I saw her was at the holiday dinner in December, when we ignored each other, and I got the distinct impression that she expected me to approach her first. Then there was the dinner last week, when I again did not approach her.

And now there's the Yahoo group exchanges detailed in the previous post. All I was trying to do was help her, and she attacked me and anyone who attempted to defend me.

It has gotten worse since.

Yesterday I found something amusing and posted it to the group. This is the complete text of my post:

Subject: Accepting your Oscar: A Guide

From Shoebox.com (http://www.shoeboxblog.com/?p=23859):

Thank the little people, but don't call them "little people" because they HATE that.
Thank the spiritual being of your choice. Point up/over/ wherever (probably not down).
Thank the producer, even if he's just some rich jerk who knows nothing about movie making.
Definitely act surprised. Practice this one in the mirror beforehand.
Thank significant other, then blow a kiss to him/her. Have significant other
practice "in love" face.
Use the exit music to dance your way off stage. "The Worm" would be preferable.

I thought it amusing. If you watch people accepting Oscars, that's exactly how they do it. Except for the last sentence, maybe.

Well, today I got this personal email from another member:

FYI and confidential - [the group moderator] has placed [FW] in a "Moderator must approve posts" category on our Yahoo group. One of her two most recent posts is pending moderator approval. It claims your "Accepting Your Oscar" post is actually a slew of double entendres, and the tone of her note implies paranoia.

Regardless of whether there is anything going on (which I seriously doubt), I don't think anyone else would see that and would simply assume it is "[FW] being [FW]."

[FW] will be at [the regional gathering next weekend].

(I admit I am wrong to post that note when the author has marked it confidential, but if I turn up dead or seriously injured this weekend, show this post to the cops.)

By the way, the other of her "two most recent posts" was "Subject: The excitement is Growing", and contained only this link: http://mediumlarge.wordpress.com/2011/02/24/cats-quote-charlie-sheen/. Now, how does "the excitement is growing" apply as the subject? Do you find it ominous that it's hate-filled ranting?

So. I'm seriously scared. It will be impossible to avoid her at the gathering, and if nobody shows up at her Oscar party tomorrow night she WILL blame me. That's just the way she thinks. And she WILL retaliate. I'm serious. But I can't allow her to keep me from going to the gathering. I won't hide from her. I think I'm going to have to ask some of the other friends there to act as bodyguard. Never leave me alone.
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1820 I Win

Monday, May 19, 2008

I'd been fussing about something off and on for two weeks.

I'd been on a committee working on a document. The committee chairman, with whom I'd had some minor run-ins in the past, had been keeping multiple successive drafts of the document on his hard disk. I did the final revisions, made some major changes with his approval, and sent him a copy of the final document. I also put a copy on the local chapter's website's document disk, and that was the version reviewed and approved by the governing board and other members. The next step is to send it to the national board for approval, and when it comes back from them, it is official and no further changes can be made without going through the whole process again.

The last time this document was updated, this same guy was the committee chairman, and what was sent to national was a mess, full of typos, inconsistencies, and flat-out impossibilities. He hasn't admitted it, and I haven't asked, but it looks like a down-level draft had been sent.

Now, this guy likes to think of himself as the one who knows all about what's going on at the national level. He likes to be the interface, possibly to be known at that level, and he gossips and name-drops like he's an insider. So when it came time to send the new document to national, of course he's the one to do it. I don't care.

Then I get an email from him. He hasn't emailed the doc to national yet because he has a virus on his laptop, his hard disk is corrupted, and he can't get to the file on his hard disk, but it should be recoverable.

Ack? I wrote back that he shouldn't use the copy on his hard disk, he should use the copy on the group site, since we are absolutely sure that's the copy that was reviewed and approved, and since he can get to the site from his office computer, he can send it right now.

I didn't hear from him again for a week or so, then I get another email that his hard disk was partitioned, and one partition was destroyed, but the other was fine. So he has lost all his email folders, but the document was on the other partition, and he should be able to recover it in a few days.

Note three things here: 1) without the emails, he'll be guessing on the date of the draft; 2) I had sent him the final copy as an email attachment, and it used a different editor than the one he had been using so it could have been stored differently; and 3) he has pointedly ignored my strong recommendation to use the copy on the group disk, while still sending me progress reports.

I sent another strongly worded email saying that he should ensure that the correct level is sent ! by sending the group disk ! copy, since we are certain ! that is the approved ! version.

No response.

I just know he's going to send a downlevel draft, probably the latest one with his editor's file type, forgetting that I used a more commonly available editor on the last revision. I was ready to drive to his house and beat some sense into him. I am absolutely thoroughly pissed that he has made no reference to my strong recommendation. Hey, fella, at least tell me why you are so determined to send the copy on your hard disk? Send national the LINK to the group disk! That's all they need!

And then I talked to My Man, and in telling him about the problem, and his laughing at me, I realized something.

If the guy happens to send the approved version, then there's no problem.

If he sends the wrong version, then I have the enormous satisfaction of telling him, and the governing board, and anyone else who will listen, what a complete and utter ass he is.

Either way, for me, it's a win-win situation.
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1653 Busy with bylaws

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

I've been busier the past two days than I've been in ages. I had a lunch meeting with the chairman of the bylaws revision committee yesterday, and presented my comments on the "final draft" of the local Mensa bylaws. He found out why the design and publications departments of 35 products in 5 labs of The Company quaked in their boots when I reviewed their specifications and publications. I am detail-oriented and thorough. Also merciless.

The result is that he assigned me the final rewrite (which included rewording of two full sections), and also to present the changes and rationale to the board at Sunday's meeting.

I went to a group dinner last night, and started the rewrite after I got home.

He had been using Microsoft Office, which I don't have, so I retyped the entire 7-page document in Works Word (not so many functions, but adequate to the task, and available on most systems), made all the changes and corrections, sent copies to the other committee members for comment, and then incorporated their comments this evening.

I won't be able to go to the Sunday board meeting (I hope to be in NJ having fun), so I also wrote a description of all changes made, and the philosophy and rationale for each of the changes.

We have decided we can't call it amendments. It really is a complete rewrite. I'm rather proud of it. What we started with was unbelievably bad, full of inconsistencies and impossibilities. I don't know how it ever got approved.

I have a feeling of accomplishment, something I haven't felt in a long time.
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1445 Auction / Bylaws Meeting

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Roman, FW, and I were supposed to go to the auction together last night, but FW cancelled out, so it was just Roman and me. This was his first estate auction, and I was afraid it wouldn't be "his thing" and he'd be bored. Actually, I think he was, but he's trying awfully hard these days to humor me. In return, when I looked ahead and saw that there was nothing I had marked on the last four pages of the catalog (of 16 pages total), I suggested that we could just leave early. I think he was grateful.

When I say he's humoring me, over the past two years I have twice invited him to the county fair, and both times he made a face and told me he doesn't care for fairs, and he clearly had no interest. Last night I mentioned the fair, and we are now planning to go together. Hmmmm. I may have to be careful about that. It begins to look like he's doing things with me not for the things, but for the with me part. I probably shouldn't allow that.

I did well at the auction. I bought a gorgeous blue and white Chinese vase, and a Swarovski crystal chandelier for the dining room. My dining room set is 1880s Berkey & Gay, and the chandelier that had been in there is modern smoked glass. This one will go so much better. It's not the "wedding cake" style - it's all curves of brass with scattered strings of crystals. It gives the impression of a graceful woman with long crystal earrings.

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The first bylaws revision committee meeting was this evening, and it went really well! I was surprised at how well. We all seemed to be on the same wavelength. We got through about 1/3 of the material, and so far it's looking good.

The member about whom I had been worried and I had had a small spat about a week ago, and we were being very respectful of each other's thoughts and comments. And I think my ranting in this journal two entries back really did release steam, so I wasn't tempted to push buttons (although I DID mention a few things that had gone wrong with the previous revision, and I really didn't have to do that, and I am a tiny bit ashamed that I did. I promise to control myself better in the next session.)
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1443 Bylaws Rant

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Don't bother reading this. I'm just blowing off steam.

Just thinking about the bylaws is making me angry.

This guy who has appointed himself chair of the bylaws revision committee was in charge of the previous revision of the bylaws, about ten years ago. The usual process is that revisions are proposed, and published in the newsletter. Comments are gathered, decisions are made by the committee, then it is sent to the national office for approval, and the final version is again published for an approval vote of the membership.

The way the A55hole did it ten years ago, the general membership didn't see it at all until time for the vote. This "guy who knows best" didn't feel he needed any other input. I don't know how the hell it got approved (probably nobody actually read it), because it was full of errors. Stupid errors.

Like the head of the board has traditionally been called the "Local Secretary (a.k.a LocSec)", a British term. This guy happened to be the LocSec at the time, and he thought it didn't sound important enough, so he decided he wanted to be the President. So references to the LocSec were changed to President. EXCEPT, not in ALL places! So up front where the officers are defined, we have a President. There is no LocSec. But later, where responsibilities are assigned, the President apparently has none, and the LocSec (who doesn't exist) has many. The A55hole didn't even ask anyone else to proofread it!

In the section on the timing of elections, there is a nominating committee, and an option for petition nominations. However, when you lay out the election schedule (which is defined by specific month and day in the Bylaws) next to the newsletter cutoff and mailing dates (which are not in the bylaws, and change on the whim of the editor), there are perhaps THREE DAYS for the membership to see the recommendations of the nominating committee, decide to run as a petition candidate, get the signatures, and get the petition to the Board and to the editor.

There are only five elected officers, and if the nominating committee comes up with only five candidates and there are no petition candidates, then the five are declared elected. No voting.

The Board appoints the nominating committee. The nominating committee selects the candidates. There's no requirement to ask in the newsletter for candidates to volunteer, and not enough time anyway. There's no time for petition candidates. If the nominating committee selects only five candidates, they are declared elected. This looks like the previous board SELECTS the succeeding board. And that's exactly what happens. There has been no real election since this guy single-handedly revised the bylaws ten years or so ago.

How convenient.

There were other problems.

When I saw all the errors, I wrote them all up and submitted the corrections and recommendations, and was horrified when I was told that "There isn't enough time to make the changes. We have to submit it to National as is, because that's what they approved." (National makes you jump through hoops so you understand that it's not something you want to do often.) I was shocked when National didn't disapprove, but this is a small group, and I'll bet A55hole said in the application that we simply followed the skeleton from National, so they didn't bother reading it.

So, ok, A55hole has decided it's time to revise again. He asked me if I wanted to be involved, because he knew he damn well better. He also asked another member, probably randomly, I've never heard of her, and from the email discussions far, I gather she has no idea what bylaws ARE.

But, of course, neither does A55hole.

I'm also pissed because there was NO copy of the bylaws locally available (it is supposed to be distributed to new members, and to any member who asks. I've been asking for years, and have been rebuffed), so A55hole had to get HARDCOPY from National. He gave it to Roman, Roman scanned it, and ran it through a program that converted the scan to text, and emailed the cleaned-up script file to A55hole.

Now, it seems like we OTHER members of the bylaws revision committee should have received a copy, huh? Pretty soon, huh? So we could, like, maybe, review it? And think about what we'd like to see fixed?

He sat on it for weeks. Probably more than a month - I didn't mark the calendar. And it was pretty obvious that when he finally sent me and the other woman a copy, he'd already figured out what he wanted.

When I say he doesn't know what bylaws are supposed to do, here's an example. The Bylaws require that the board meets a minimum of once a quarter. All board meetings are open to the membership and announced in the newsletter. He wants to have an "Annual Business Meeting" required in the Bylaws.

I asked how is that different from other board meetings. He said it's open to the membership, and there's a pot-luck dinner, and a speaker. Is the business discussed any different? No. I pointed out that all meetings are open, and any one of them could include dinner and/or a speaker. He wants to REQUIRE dinner and a speaker at a board meeting once a year.

I pointed out that we used to have speakers several times a year, after board meetings, and it died for lack of interest, and a dearth of free but interesting speakers who will show up for five or six people. The general membership simply isn't interested. So if you put this requirement in the bylaws, once a year someone will have to find and schedule a speaker and coordinate a pot-luck dinner, and the only attendees will be the board members. And when they decide it isn't worth doing any more, they have to revise the Bylaws to get rid of it! If the Board wants to do this fancy meeting, all they have to do is decide to do it, then do it. You DON'T require it in the Bylaws! Bylaws should require only the absolute minimum for the proper functioning of the group.

A55!

I'm really angry, and I'm working myself up to do battle. He's VERY difficult to disagree with. He is always so positive he's right that he doesn't listen to reason. I'm going to have to use Authority, National guidelines and recommendations, against him - it's the only thing he might listen to.

Judging from his emails, he seems to think we're going to just fix typos, add a statement that President=LocSec, and rubber stamp some fancy requirements he wants to add.

Yeah. Sure. Little does he know....

Now pardon me while I go draw up an elections timeline, and find some authority for requiring that the nominating committee should come up with at least one more candidate than positions to be filled.

Snarl!
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