3041 Bigger confusion

Saturday, July 31, 2010

I am fully aware of all the things I don't know,
and those things seem more important than the things I do know.
-- Silk --

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I've mentioned a few times that I believe we pass through life many times, and that on each pass, we have a lesson to learn, that we may not know what that lesson is, that our souls develop as we learn these lessons. I was talking with someone recently who believes similarly, and she said she was afraid to learn the lesson, because maybe that meant she would be finished with this life and would die.

I pointed out that there are people who enter our lives to teach us things. I call them intersectors. And we also act as intersectors in the lives of others. So you may or may not know what your lesson is, you may or may not know whether you've learned it, but it doesn't matter, because you can still be an intersector, perhaps especially after you have learned what you are here to learn. So learning the lesson doesn't mean you are finished.

Well, that got me thinking about my lesson, about what it might be.

There have been multiple themes running through my life. I can see where I have been tested, many times. I've learned many things, but there's one area I have pretty consistently failed, where I know what's right, what I should do, but I fail.

I'm not good with temptation, in any form.

As the saying goes, I know what I want when I see it, and if it's offered, I pretty consistently take it, even when I know it's a bad thing. I cannot handle temptation.

I am currently very tempted. It's a bad thing. Wanna know how bad I am? After the conversation with my friend, I am now trying very hard NOT to convince myself that if I give in to this temptation I'll live longer. The weak me is thinking, "Fail the test, fail the test! Go ahead. It will be fun! You know you want to try it." The strong me thinks, "No, no, do the right thing. You know what's right! Important decisions aren't supposed to be easy. Or fun."

Of course, maybe temptation isn't my lesson anyway. In which case it doesn't matter. [Oops. That sounded a lot like the bad me.]

But damn! I DO want it.
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