2020 What I Want (& other stuff)

Saturday, September 20, 2008

I visited NJ in the hospital on Thursday. I knew that her daughter would tell her about May having got the police to break into NJ's house on Tuesday, so I wrote her a letter explaining how everyone had been worried, and how I had been at the house, and there's nothing to worry about, and her location is safe with me, and I think I've convinced May, too, and wishing her a quick recovery. I was under the impression that she could not receive visitors (and the hospital does not allow flowers (huh? They really don't. I don't know why)), so my intent was to just deliver the note to the desk for them to give to her.

To my surprise, the desk called her room, and then told me to go on up.

When I walked in the door, the first thing she said was "Do you know what that crazy May did? She called the police to break into my house!" I broke into her sputtering to say yes, she'd also called me, and I was there at the house, and that's why I'm here.

She looked good - eyes good, good color, full cheeks - but she was obviously very tired. Picking at a tray of food.

She says if May shows up, she'll have her thrown out. When May had called the hospital on Tuesday, NJ told them to tell May no visitors and no calls. Which of course will only worry May more, so I think it's only a matter of time....

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Major navel-gazing here. Ignore. Skip. Go away.

TV on in background yesterday. Soap opera, I think. Woman has two suitors who have proposed marriage, one rich, the other poor, likes the poor one a bit more than the rich. Oh dear, what to do, which to select.

It reminded me of my mother's best friend of a few decades ago. She, like my mother, was a widow in her mid-50s, without, as my mother put it, "a pot to piss in". But she was tall, slender, long-legged, with full fluffy black hair and excellent taste - in short, she was beautiful and sophisticated-looking.

She also had two suitors. One man was not wealthy, in fact, living rather simply. He adored her, and shared her taste in opera and literature. The other was a multimillionaire, with several homes. He'd made his money in construction, and was a bit coarse in his tastes. He wanted her to help him socially, to look more civilized.

She chose the rich guy, because, as she explained to my horrified mother, she was tired of struggling, she wanted to relax, and she wanted nice things.

The day before the wedding, he presented her with a pre-nup. Sign or we don't get married.

Among other things, it specified that if they were to divorce (on either party's initiation), assets would be split in the same proportion as each brought into the marriage. Which meant if he brought 4 million, and she brought 2 thousand, and "their" assets doubled after 10 years of marriage, and they split, she'd get 4 thousand. Even if he left her.

Another requirement was that they would have sex a minimum of twice a week. Her refusing him would be acceptable grounds for divorce.

He would give her a very large monthly stipend which she could spend or invest in any way she wished without restriction. (Of course, invested money, or purchases with that money, would be part of the total assets should they divorce.)

She sighed, she signed, and she married him. I doubt that it ever occurred to her to consult a lawyer.

Yeah, she was very unhappy. She told my mother that she had assumed that the twice-a-week thing would gradually drift away. It didn't. Right from the start she had found him physically repulsive, called him "The Frog". He had no reason to court her, didn't require enthusiastic participation or even affection, and so was rather brusque in his demands. She got to where she cringed every time he looked at her. Ten years later it was still the same.

Otherwise, life was easy. She stayed married to him.

In my mind, she had sold her body for material comforts. That's what was most important to her, so I guess that was ok.

Got me thinking.

Right now, I know four relatively wealthy men about my age, with assets ranging from just over one to several mind-boggling millions. I am certain that if I batted my eyelashes and played my cards right, I could reel any of them in. No, that's not overconfidence. Two have made definite interest clear. The third has been dogging me for over thirty years. All I'd have to do is give a green light. The fourth guy isn't as clear, but he's in "wanna get married" mode, and when a man gets in that mood, he'll marry the first woman who coos over him.

I could make it happen. I really could.

But I couldn't.

I like them all a lot. In their own way they're nice guys. But actually living with any of them 24/7 would require keeping my mouth shut, biting my tongue when they do or say certain things that bug the hell out of me, and with two of them, anyway, there's a cringe factor. A certain amount of ick.

I'd be selling me for physical comfort, and I can't do it.

So, is it because I'm financially independent, and content with what I have? Would I think differently if I didn't have anything of my own? I really did think hard about it. Maybe the market fluctuations of the past few days spurred the thought. Probably not, because I'm not really all that worried (when I mentioned to Daughter how much loss I'd "suffered" in a mere four days, she said "You haven't lost anything until you want to cash it in", and she's right).

Nope. I don't think I can sell myself. Not now, not any more, not since I found myself.

I married the first two husbands for reasons other than "this is someone I love and want to be with". There was a certain amount of settling, and self-protection involved.

I married Jay because I loved him, pure and simple, and we suited each other so well. I'd quite happily have lived in a hovel with him. As long as there's food and heat, I can be happy, if the company's good.

Ex#2 was a miser. He handled all the money, paid all the bills, and gave me a household allowance. I had no idea how much he made, or how much was available for discretionary spending. I do know that I didn't have enough left over from the household funds to buy clothing. I literally had to beg for a new pair of jeans, or for Daughter's clothes as she grew, and he always grumbled at the expense. I had $70 a month for food (1980), and I fed the three of us on that, with the help of a garden and a freezer. So I do know how to live cheaply, and when you come right down to it, I don't mind. There's a well-earned pride in it.

If I don't want financial support from a relationship, what do I want?

This took a lot of thinking. I tend to define what I want by what the current man's got. If he hasn't got it, then obviously I don't want it, right?

Not true. Gotta get past that. I don't see how I can be truly happy in a relationship unless I can define what my needs are, and be satisfied that they're being met - as opposed to convincing myself I'm happy with what I'm getting.

I don't know what I want.

. I do know that I want his time and attention. I need a lot of that.
. I want a deep friendship, where we are emotionally open to each other, and can say almost anything knowing that it will be understood.
. I need a mind that meshes with mine.
. I want to be able to respect him, and get respect in return.
. I want lots of mindblowing, experimental, and playful sex. Lots. Frequently. Like daily. I feel like I've missed that in my life, and in the time that's left I want to make up for it.

That much I know I want. I can't be happy with any one of them missing.

There's other stuff, like someone who wants to travel with me. I think that's not a requirement, more of a bonus, but it would be nice.

Trouble is, I don't know how to get it all, I don't know if it's possible any more, and I don't know if I'd be happy if I did. There'd probably be something else I'd discover I need. But if I settle for less, could I be happy? If I get an overabundance of half of them, can I do without the others? I don't think so. But if that's the case, can I give up the half I've got because it's not enough? Isn't not enough better than nothing?

I don't know.

(Yeah, this is all me me. So what do I have to give? Is it enough? But that's not something I can answer. That's for him to figure out for himself.)
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