2012 Settling

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

A friend confided in me recently that she is not very happy in her marriage. He's a nice guy, has a lot to recommend him, treats her well for the most part, but he has one serious problem. She said that she was aware of the problem before they were married, but decided to accept it, because she thought he was the best she could do, he was what she deserved, and, perennially female, she hoped it would go away.

I have heard this from so many people over the decades. Not just in choice of life partners, but in accepting certain treatment on the job, from family, teachers, acquaintances. They accept bad treatment not because they overlook it in others, but because they feel they don't deserve any better.

They accept the judgment of others. They've been taught what kind of treatment to expect.

Steps to getting what you really deserve:
1. Understand your real value.
2. Figure out how you really deserve to be treated.
3. Recognize bad treatment when you see it.
4. Reject, do not allow, bad treatment.

Sounds so simple, eh?

It has taken me a long time, and some painful lessons, but I finally know my value. I know I am valuable. I know exactly how valuable I am, and it's pretty durn high! I know what kind of treatment I deserve. I deserve the best, because that's what I'm worth.

I am intelligent, loyal, charitable, thorough, skillful, open-minded, respectful, independent, compassionate, honest, steadfast. I can be one of the best friends or lovers anyone can have.

I've pretty much got a lock on steps 1 and 2.

Now I need to learn how to recognize shoddy treatment and stop forgiving others for treating me badly. I tend to be too easy on others, especially when I get to know them well, and know that they don't do some of the bad things on purpose - that's just the way they are. But even if that is the way they've learned to relate, I don't have to take it. I have to learn to say "You are not allowed to treat me that way. It's not good for me." Saying it to FM last year was a major step forward. I learned I can do it without getting hit by lightning, but FM was an egregious case.

There are more subtle things going on with another, and I have allowed it to continue because I kept hoping it would change or get better. But instead, it's starting to erode my hard-won confidence in myself, something I absolutely cannot allow. I need to slap some sense into me.

I deserve better.
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