All of my online dating profiles and accounts have been dead for a year, but Match.com is still sending me weekly email full of "matches we have selected for you". I don't know what criteria they're using for this matching. They send me men who live 100 miles away. Men who are 40 years old, looking for women 28-38. From the photos it would be easy to conclude they're just sending me the most desperate of their clients.
I suppose there's a way to make them stop, but I haven't tried because it's sometimes amusing. I've been giggling at some of the "handles" these guys choose.
- Snowaterguy - why do I think "yellow"?
- Dumas789 - just how many other dumb asses are there out there? (He's nice looking, BTW.)
- Earthighs - I suspect he means "Earth highs", but I keep reading it as "Ear thighs".
- Varsity02 - a 61-yo? A case of arrested development?
- Johnnyace719 - casino, anyone?
- GPsilverfox - well, he's got a healthy self-image. I suspect the GP is Grandpa.
- Jeepsoft - I kinda like this, wonder how he came up with it. Makes me think of little fuzzy yellow chicks with attitude, for some reason.
- Briskymorning - I happen to know this guy, ex-coworker, super sexy, but his handle makes me shiver.
- Ubereclectic - I have to wonder about anyone who uses "uber". I already have a feeling we wouldn't hit it off. "Uber" smells of beer.
- No401k - he's looking for a sugar momma?
- Artfuldoger892 - Prophetic? Not promising if one wants a long-term relationship.
- Maj.Pain - Makes me laugh. Humor or honesty?
- Cereopsis - that's the Cape Barren Goose, cereopsis novaehollandiae. They mate only in/on water. Is this a warning or a promise?
- Topguyforltr - is that Top Guy For Letter? I don't get it, but it feels vaguely dirty.
- Soundsystem10003 - I have a feeling the lady will not come first.
- BankdudeNY - working in or robbing? And, um, "dude"? You're adult!
- Cinderella1faces - this is a guy?
- Singlebi - thanks for being upfront about it.
- Darthblader - I read that as Darth Bladder and cringed.
- MikeB4u - honest about his egotism, I guess.
- Characterwanted - just what I wanted, a man without character.
- Roughhands529 - thanks for the warning.
- Bethbrian - threesome anyone?
- Callmemisterbig - are you bragging, or just into Manolo Blahniks?
- Loseofwords - if that was supposed to be "loss", you're right.
- Allnigtflyer - hey, don't promise what you can't deliver. Unless you're maybe a bat.
- Uglyduck47 - and he didn't provide a photo. Poor guy.
- Skiier_Wanted - do you want a whole relationship, or someone who fits one small part of your life?
- Urbdyisawndrland - oh, come on! Empty flattery will get you nowhere.
- Poorjohn69honey - run, ladies, run.
Funniest thing - I mined some past "match" emails for some names, then decided to go to the website and search, and see if I could find more good ones I could make fun of. When the photos came up, I was amazed! Hey, good looking guys! Lots better than the guys they'd been sending me. Wow! Yummy!
Then I discovered I'd accidentally searched as "man looking for man". Oops. Never mind. Gorgeousness explained.
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2 comments:
Thank you, thank you, thank you for reminding me why I gave up on this stuff a gazillion years ago.
I got a promising email from one guy (a gazillion years ago) and we talked on the phone. I said, "Your email was so nice."
He said, "What did I say? I must have been really stoned."
I said, "Bye."
I have absolutely no comment after reading all of these. Freaking hilarious.
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