1824 One part of the contract

Thursday, May 22, 2008

A few posts back I mused on the unspoken but understood contract in a relationship.

I can define one part of the contract with the Man. We've made an actual agreement.

I’d read that men not only dislike but actually fear emotional discussions of the type women love. They don’t want to think about what things mean, where things are going. They want things to just bump along. Women, on the other hand, fear emotional distance. They want to know exactly what’s going on, what things mean, how he feels, and so want to discuss everything.

This is absolutely true of both him and me. Drama scares the hell out of him, and withdrawal scares me. Given that drama gives withdrawal gives drama gives withdrawal gives ... wherever you want to jump into the cycle, a few months ago I proposed an agreement.

My part is no drama, no pressuring him into “relationship discussion”.

His part is to watch the emotional distance, stay connected. No silences.

I did warn him that sometimes I will have to tell him things about how I feel, but the important part is that I promise to do so unemotionally, logically, briefy net it out, just as information for him. All he has to do is listen. I will not expect him to respond or discuss - that's the important part. He can take that information and do whatever he wants with it.

He seemed to like that a lot.

So far it seems to be working. I think we've both relaxed.

Before, when things weren't going the way we might have wanted, usually that we weren't able to get together as often as we wanted, he would go quiet and withdraw, partially because he was afraid of my reaction. As a result of his withdrawal I'd get even more upset and demanding. Now, and I hope it sticks, he knows I'll stay calm, so he continues to reach out and touch, his affection is more constant. It keeps me calm, and that keeps him closer, which is even more satisfying to me.

Damn. I wish I'd known about this when I was younger.
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