984 Second Thoughts

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

I wrote the previous entry in the wee hours (regardless of the time at the bottom - Blogger logs the time you start, not finish, an entry). I got to sleep about 5 am, woke at 11, and my very first thought was "OMG, gotta delete that post!" I'm afraid someone might read and misunderstand it.

I use this journal to think about stuff sometimes, to record and order my thoughts, and sometimes I forget that it's available to others who may not understand.

Back when I was in therapy (1977 to 1982ish) I kept notebooks. They helped. I still have them, but many of the pages have been stapled shut to prevent accidental reading by others, and to keep them away from me until I was ready.

I felt like maybe I should staple that post.

Nah. It is what it is.

The word I was looking for and couldn't find, by the way, is "seductive". I've heard that word applied to me before.

So, I'm thinking, how do I change this perception of me?

When I thought about changing it, I got a little bit panicky. Very strange. The thought of dealing with people without seduction is scary. Do I really want to change this perception? Is there another way to feel safe?

I was about thinking that when I walked out to the kitchen and flipped the TV on, right into a monologue by Rachel, accusing Russ of rejecting her for the very same qualities that drew him to her, and she didn't know how to change that, it is what she is.

I think that's one of the things that troubled Roman, my indiscriminate seductiveness. Maybe it made him uncomfortable, like he couldn't trust me. I know he's not all that sure of his own worth. Perhaps he didn't want to commit to something he wasn't sure he could keep?

So, what now?