978 Past Loves

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

[Later Edit - minor corrections. Ignore.]

A commenter on "970 No More Online Dating" recommended that I should try to reconnect with men from my past.

What men from my past? The ones I ran away from? The ones who tried to kill me? The happily married ones? The dead ones? Who? Ok, sorry. I know what you mean. I'm just feeling a bit bitter. I've left a trail of devastation.

My mother had a "soothsayer" whom she adored. I have to admit, the woman was good. She made some very specific predictions that came true in every detail. There were none that did not come true (except those that haven't happened yet). She predicted that I would be married five times, and that I would remarry Ex#2.

When I married Jay, I tried every way I could to redefine "marriage" so that he came out #5. It didn't work. If he hadn't died, I'm absolutely certain we'd still be together and bumping along just fine.

That's why I keep saying that I can't marry the next man, #4, for love. He'll die on me, or leave me. (I say it, but if love arrives, I will take the chance, of course.)

As for the second part of the prediction, the only way that could happen is if Ex#2 is on his deathbed, unable to speak or move, and he needs someone to move in and take over his care and make decisions that overrule his daughter and siblings, and ... uh ... it still won't happen. Not on this Earth, not in this life. I can't think of any reason that important.

Yes, people can change, I certainly have. But as he's Daughter's Daddy I still see him occasionally, I see how he relates to Daughter, and I assure you he hasn't. If anything, he's gotten worse.

With all the wonderful resources of the internet (Zabasearch.com is a great start, Daughter calls it "the stalker site") I have been trying to locate friends from high school and college. Not for potential romance, there wasn't any of that with any of those folks even back then, just to reconnect and find out what's been going on with them over the past 40 years. I've found several, but except for three, one guy from high school and one guy from college, and a female I roomed with for about six weeks during student teaching, no one has responded to my cards, letters, or emails.

One who has ignored a card, a letter, and an email was one of my two best female friends from high school. She knows where the other friend is, and I have begged for the address, but I get no response. Another, also no response, was my best friend in college.

I don't know whether it's because they don't remember me, or because they do remember me.

Of old romances that could be rekindled, there's John, the boy I fell in love with in first grade. I moved away, then I returned to that school in eighth grade and fell in love again. Moved away a year later (I was in more than 12 different schools by the end of high school), and then briefly ran into him at the county fair during college. I've always had a soft spot for him. I have located him on the internet, but have not contacted him. He's in south central Pennsylvania.

There's a guy I knew in Washington, DC, Ed. I liked him a lot. When I left Ex#2 and moved to New York, he got my address from a friend and showed up on my doorstep. We had a whirlwind romance. I realized I was falling in love with him, but that the differences in our patterns was so great that there's no way we could ever live together, so I broke it off. We were not good for each other.

I found him on the internet. He's now living in California. He did not respond to my email - which merely told him who I was and asked if he was him. That's just as well. If I saw him again I'd probably be swept up again, and that wouldn't be good. He's probably married now - and I hope that's the case. He's a nice guy. (Great back rubs!)

One person I wish I could reconnect with is Obie. I loved him dearly, and he loved me, we actually literally read each other's minds, but somehow our timelines never meshed. He died in an automobile accident in 1975. He was 32 then.

One I can connect with is Ray, from high school. I know where he is, even have his phone number. He's the only classmate I have located that I've made no attempt to contact, because I know there would be sparks, if only on my side, and I know he's married, and that way be dragons.

Speaking of dragons, Warren, passionate mindmeld Warren, seems to have dropped off the edge of the earth. Just as well. He was consumed by dragons.

There's Bob, living in the mid-west. We were very well matched. That one could have worked, but, again, timelines didn't mesh. I heard his voice on a phone message to someone else a year ago, first time in 30 years, and my heart stopped for an instant. He knows how to contact me, it turns out we have a friend in common, but I'm not holding my breath. He's married, going on 40 years.

I haven't been able to find Amadeo, and I'd love to. Of course we still can't get married, he still being super Catholic, and I still being a divorcee, but I wouldn't mind discussing that "mistress contract" again.

The easiest ones to find are the ones I hope don't find me.

I'm not going to make "I'd like to see you again" noises toward any married men, even if I know they are unhappily married. I'm not going to hope for any spousal deaths, or give anyone excuses for divorce.

If there's anyone in my past I could hook up with again, he'll have to find me, and he'll have to be completely free when he does.

It doesn't look promising.