2118 S.A.D.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I'm sad. It's cold and dark and dreary all the time here now. We won't get out of the 30s for at least a week, that's as far as the local weathermen want to go, anyway. Today there were tiny flurries of snow, and there's more predicted.

Last Tuesday, I put the snowthrower out in front of the garage for the service guys to pick up. That's what they'd told me to do. When I left for dinner, it was still there. The top of my driveway is not visible from the road, so I figured it was safe. When I got home that night it was gone.

Yesterday it occurred to me that it had been a week, and I'm only assuming they'd taken it, so I stopped by the shop in the village to check. Yeah, they had it, but they hadn't started work on it yet. Today I got the "uh oh" call. The carburetor is all gummed up, cleaning didn't ungum it, they need to order parts, it might take a while, and I didn't ask, but it sounds expensive.

You know, every year, for the past eleven years, at the end of winter I forget to run the old gas out. And I forget to put the drops in the tank to keep the gas from getting yucky. The gas sits in it all summer. Then almost every fall I get it serviced, and it's fine. Sometimes I let the servicing go too late, and it doesn't get serviced, and it's fine. Last winter I put the drops in, and early this summer I ran it to burn out the old gas and clear the carburetor. For the first time in twelve years I did it right! And for the first time ever ....

Oh Hell. I don't understand. Makes me wonder why I bother. Why try. Nothing seems to make any difference.

I'm getting buried in paper again. Last time I dug myself out I promised myself I would sort the mail as soon as I brought it in, and I'd pay the bills as soon as they arrived, and I'd put each day's newspaper in the recycle bag before the next day's arrived. Yeah. Sure. Why do I have so much trouble with that? It's so simple, and not inconvenient. But I just don't do it. I don't know why.

I'm getting nothing done around here. I look around and feel overwhelmed, and do nothing. It's pretty bad.

I'm having tooth problems. I think I'm losing bone in the front of my upper jaw, and on the right side upper and lower. My teeth are migrating. I'm growing a space between my upper front teeth. The upper right side teeth seem to be dropping. The jaw seems to arc downward. It screws up my bite, and when they'd moved a bit again, I get pain in my jaw from the teeth not meeting correctly. Then they nestle in and the pain stops for a while. This has been going on for about three years.

I haven't seen a dentist since shortly after Jay died. My previous dentist (cleanings every six months) is where I lived before I married Jay, and that's about an hour away. I figured I'd find one closer. They won't let me drive that far if any drastic work is done. About once a year, when the moving teeth intrude on my wandering mind, I call around to try to find one. Most local dentists are not accepting new patients, period. The few who are, are booked up for three to six months. So I haven't made any appointments.

It's like I don't care.

I've got some medical issues, too. I don't know why I keep putting it off. At this point it's like I don't want to look too hard at anything, because what if they find something? Better not to know.

I'm putting weight on again. I don't know why. The goal was to lose 10 or 15 more pounds, and instead I've put 10 back on over the past year.

I'm pretty sure a large part of this is seasonal affective disorder (SAD). But thinking that doesn't make it any better. I'm afraid I might drive The Man away with my blahs. And right now I'm so blah I don't care about that, either.

I'm starting to care a lot less about a lot of things.
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