Friday, July 6, 2007
[Edit - removed a paragraph that caused conflict.]
The original purpose of this journal was to examine my thoughts and feelings. I haven't done any of that in a long time. Instead, this has turned into a daily activity log.
I don't know why.
Journaling got me through recovery after Jay's death, when I was finally able to examine my feelings, when I was finally ready to put them away. Putting them on "paper" got them out of my head, but kept them real, not lost. I got emails from complete strangers who had stumbled upon the early, exploratory, AOL entries, and many said that they'd never read anything so raw and yet so beautiful, that they were amazed that I could expose myself to that degree. I didn't see it that way. It is what it is, and I've never hidden my feelings.
Journaling helped again when I was sorely hurt a while ago. When my mind was confused and running in circles, when I felt that my trust had been so misplaced and so badly betrayed, writing it all down helped to make it linear, helped me to see what was really happening, not what I wanted it to be, but what it was. Putting it on "paper" defused the murderously destructive feelings. I had strangers telling me that they couldn't believe that it was real, that it had to be fiction. I let them believe that, but it was what it was, and I've never hidden my feelings.
Except from myself.
The introspection is gone.
My initial thought was that perhaps it's because I now have a few people reading this who know me personally. Some, like The Gypsy, I'm not worried about, because I know that whatever I say, she will understand. But others? I'm not so sure. I hesitate to expose myself to people who know me, and might judge me.
I'm not sure that's the whole reason. I'm simply not very introspective these days. I think I'm hiding something from myself.
All the more reason to explore it.
A friend asked why the emotional exploration has to be public. Why can't I just write my thoughts in a private journal? Because making it public, even if it's only strangers out there, keeps it honest. In a private journal, it's too easy to lie to myself. Too easy to use faulty logic, to make excuses for others, in the guise of explanations (why did that just hurt?).
Even strangers will call you on that kind of subterfuge.
.
2 comments:
I understand your reluctance to open wide when people you know and like will be reading some things about you that don't show you in the best light.
At the same time, two things come to mind:
1) What do you care what other people think?
2) If whatever you're reluctant to write scares of those who know you, they don't know you very well, do they?
And if they don't like it, as Queen would say, tell them to suckyourballz.
In keeping a diary, I find that the act of writing itself keeps me honest. If I lie to or hide from myself...shitty writing.
My journals will eventually be open to public inspection, so I try not to get too involved in the flotsam and jetsam of daily living. But sometimes the recitation of tasks that need doing and an expression of frustration at not getting to them takes on a gripping urgency.
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