2633 The Queen's Question Answered.

Saturday, October 24, 2009 (wee hours of the morning)

"The essence of charity ... [is] not
deciding what others needed and giving it to them,
but giving them what they wanted."
-- Jane Smiley, Moo ---

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A few posts back (#2629) I offered to answer any question asked. The Queen asks, "What's been your longest friendship (excluding family)?"

That question is harder than it seems.

My father was in the Air Force.  By the time I had graduated from high school, I had attended more than ten different schools.  We moved more often than that.  I learned early that making friends means losing friends.  I've been in this house since 1994, and this is the longest I've ever lived anywhere.  I made a list once, and by the time I was 50 years old, I had lived something like 40 different places.  So I'm not very good at making or maintaining friendships.

The second problem is in defining "friend".  There's a local woman I had considered a friend since about 1983.  We even went to England together in 1985 (I think it was '85), but last year she had a serious medical problem, and she withdrew from everyone.  She rejects overtures.  Several people have been hurt by her rejection.  I'm not.  I understand.  Is someone who doesn't want to see you or hear from you, who gets angry at attempts to be helpful, still a friend?

I'm still in snail mail/email touch with some ex-coworkers from the '80s and early '90s, now living in England, Colorado, North Carolina, Maryland, and Minnesota, but I haven't seen any of them except two visits with Danny, the Maryland one, since they transferred out, and the contact has lessened to one or two notes a year.  Are they friends?   I think Danny is a friend, but not a close friend. A hug friend, but not a call in the middle of the night friend.

I located one guy from my high school graduating class (Gene).  He was excited to hear from me, but really, we had nothing to talk about.  He's just a nice guy I know.  We definitely were friends once, but now?

One of my college friends, The Rabbi, and I refound each other in 2005.  We were really getting back into the old talking teasing pattern, and then I went to his 40th wedding anniversary party, and discovered that his wife had thought that 42 years before, he and I had been having some kind of steamy sordid affair in college (absolutely not true!), and she hated me, and still does.  Maybe we're friends, but if being friends with him is going to cause him problems, the friendly thing to do is not be friendly.

About three months ago, a woman I had known in elementary school contacted me through Classmates.com.  I remember her as one of the smart ones.  She seems to remember us as great friends, playing together and so on.  I don't remember playing with her.  She was one of the small town gentry, and I was government trash (a lot of kids weren't ALLOWED to play with me).  She wants me to visit next time I go to Benton, Pa.  I will look her up, but it won't be a special trip.  So she's probably the earliest, the longest, acquaintance, but is she a friend?  Probably not.

Not that I've never had friends.  There had always been one or two special friends, whom I still remember.  In Canada there was Nan Cavill, Margaret Rae, and Diane Bithel.  In middle school there was Judy Belcher.  In high school there was Helen, Deloris, Joe, Gene, and Ray.  In college (1962-65) there was Sis, The Rabbi, Pam, Joe, a few others.  Nobody kept in touch for very long.  The Rabbi and Joe were roommates and pals all through college, but afterward TR says he got a few Christmas cards from Joe, and then silence.

It seems like the biggest wedge was marriage.  Someone would get married, and you'd never heard from them again.


I consider a friend someone I can call at 3 am if I need help, and they won't mind, and if they need help at 3 am, I am there.  Right now, at this point in my life, there are only three people I can put in that class:
- Roman
- Piper
- The Man 
A guy I slept with, a guy who wants to sleep with me, and a guy I'm sleeping with.  There's something wrong with that.

So, a surprise answer to the question.  After four years of intense psychotherapy, ending when I was thirty-seven, I discovered me.  I found out who I am, and that I'm pretty ok, and I like me.  I didn't know me before.  I met me at thirty-seven.  I've been a friend to myself since then.  My best friend.  So the answer is Me, a twenty-eight year friendship.

I do talk to myself at 3 am, and I don't mind at all..
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