2631 Crisis avoided, for the moment....

Friday, October 23, 2009

When you tell a child he or she can be anything,
the child hears it as they must be everything.

---------------------------------

There are things The Man has not told me because he doesn't want me to know.  There are things I know that I haven't told The Man I know (well, actually I suspect, because it's unconfirmed), because I know he doesn't want me to know.  We are not as comfortable with each other as we could be because of all the unsaid things, the flag-draped elephants in the room. 

The last time we had been together was the weekend of September 13, and then on the morning of the 14th, in a fit of pique as he was rushing to get to work, I blurted something to him that could have ended things right there and then. But the last thing he said to me as we parted was that he loved me, and yes, he loved me enough to work on fixing things.

As I was lying alone in bed thinking a week or so ago, I decided that those things had to come out, and once out, they will have to be addressed.  And depending on how they are or are not addressed, things will get better, or worse.  And lying there thinking, I decided that it would be ok with me whichever way it went.  I just couldn't keep going this way any more.

So I had decided we were going to have to talk seriously, soon.  Like the next time we were together.  All men hate relationship talk, even when it's easy stuff, and I was afraid he'd bail rather than face the issues. Way back in the beginning I promised him no drama.

In the intervening weeks, our emails were pleasant and affectionate (I won't bring up the issues in an email).  He'd had a bad bout of flu, and then was working to make up the time lost to the flu, and blah blah, anyway, it's been several weeks. 

I set out to meet him on Wednesday determined to have the talk sometime between then and this morning.

Sigh.  Damn, he's good!  I don't think he was trying to manipulate me, it's just the way he is.

I didn't want to bring anything up Wednesday night because I was so happy to see him, and besides he wanted to talk about something troubling him that had happened at work, and it just wasn't the right time.  I thought maybe Thursday during the day.  But we slept late, then he had a bunch of things he'd found on the internet that he wanted to share with me (because I am "one of only two people he knows who would appreciate it"), and he seemed so happy.  It's been months since I'd seen him smile so much.  I'd missed those dimples in his cheeks. 

So, ok.  We'd be driving into the city in late afternoon (going to Carnegie Hall in the evening for a taping of one of his favorite NPR shows, and on the long drive would be a good time to talk.  Ha!  It was actually warm, warm enough to put the top down.  Can't really talk.  Sirius radio, Monty Python skits.  More smiles and laughing.  Ok.  We'll talk over dinner.

Dinner in the bar of an Irish pub, with poker up on the overhead screen.  I'd always wanted to watch him play poker.  He was winning, enjoying himself.  I let him.  Besides, the waiters were cute.  I was distracted.

Then a walk around a bit on crowded streets.  I was so frustrated I bought a pack of cigarettes.  I don't usuallly smoke when I'm with him, but by then I needed a cigarette.

On to Carnegie Hall.  We waited in the bar to be seated, and there happened to be an opportunity in the conversation for me to drop a two-word bowling ball on his foot, damn I wish I wouldn't blurt like that, and he did pick up on it but didn't even blink, he should have been shocked, he should have wondered how much more I know, and then they immediately called for seating, so that was that.

He really enjoyed the show.  I'm glad we went.  He was thrilled just to be in the same room with Paula Poundstone.

Ok, maybe the drive back to central NJ?  Warm.  Top down until we finally got to the turnpike and could move faster.  Cool stuff on the radio to share.  He was on a high for the rest of the evening, and I didn't want to bring him down.  And he didn't bring up what I'd said earlier. 

Certainly no chance this morning.   Again, we slept late.  He had to be back in the office after lunch, and he has a way of "shifting mental gears", like he has different modes for office, sports, date, whatever, and it has always fascinated me to see him shifting gears.  There's a certain point where I can see he's already in the office.

Oh well.  In the 36 hours I had somewhere between fifteen and twenty orgasms to various degrees, so guess I can't complain.

I wonder if he was so happy partly because he suspects I know what he's hiding, and yet I'm still with him, and that's happifying, and I wonder if he's thinking that if I know, and I'm still here, then why do we need to discuss it?

BECAUSE I'M FEMALE! And part bulldog. That's why.
.