Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Polls reveal attitudes; they do not predict behavior.
Just because a poll says 50% of the polled will resign their job if X occurs
doesn‘t mean that anyone will actually resign when X occurs.
We forget that attitude and behavior are, for obvious reasons, different.
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I debated whether to write about this.
If you are local to me, if you know me, and if I don't already know you read this blog, and if you suspect I may not be too happy with your reading it, hit that X up there right now. Otherwise, I cannot and will not be responsible for your reaction. You have been warned.
When I got home from the weekend, I found that sometime Monday evening someone locally had checked out the blog. This is my "diary". I don't like people who know me reading it. There's only one local reader that I know for sure about, and she's ok because she's one of the most reasonable people I know, and we tend to have pretty much the same attitude toward everything, so I don't worry about her misinterpreting me. Plus, our circles don't overlap, so there's no opportunity for gossip.
But I am carefully hidden from everyone else. I don't need the gossip, the whispered "and then she said", the misunderstandings and subsequent fireworks. This is my diary. As I get older, I find I do refer to past entries occasionally, to straighten out memories. I need to be free to comment on anything important to me.
This incident is important to me.
Sunday morning at the gathering, I walked into the hospitality room, and saw several of the local Mensans sitting at a table. There was an empty chair in the middle of the group. (I was amused because that was the very table and the exact place I'd sat the first time I saw The Man three years ago, across the table, and was fascinated by the play of thoughts across his face.)
Anyhoo, I sat down. I was sitting there several minutes. I am certain it was more than 5 minutes. It could have been as long as 15. I ate a piece of bagel, and drank some iced tea. Then FW came into the room, stormed up to me, and said, "That's my seat. Get out of my seat. Move!"
I said, "It's not your seat. You left it. Seats aren't saved. There's plenty of seats. Pull another up."
She said, "It's MY SEAT! Move! I didn't leave anything on the seat to save it because I didn't know I had to! F**k you!" Her voice went up in pitch and volume. The other people at the table told her to take another chair. Note that it was an eight-person round table, and four of the chairs were unoccupied. Now, I know this woman. I know how she can be. I could have avoided what happened next by simply getting up and moving, but I have a stubborn streak, and that "F**k you" got to me.
I did not get out of the chair. I reached behind me and pulled up a chair from another table, and put it next to me. She sat in it. But it wasn't over. She seemed to get stuck on the "F**k you", and she shouted it in my face, over and over and over, "F**k you! F**k you! F**k you!", over and over, louder and higher, until she was screeching it. There were maybe 30 other people in the room, and the room went silent. Everyone stared.
I did not react at all. I didn't even hold back a reaction. There was nothing at all. I surprised myself at how cool I was. My hands didn't shake. The group photo was taken only moments after the screeching ended, and see how relaxed I am?
I used to be afraid of her, afraid to set her off. Her attacks used to scare me and leave me trembling and unsure of myself for days. I had to stop associating with her because she was poisoning me.
I think that's over. I don't think she will ever upset me again, and I don't think I will ever again worry about setting her off. It's done. I don't care anymore. I don't even care if she reads this, because it's true, and a lot of other people who DO know her witnessed it.
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On reflection, I think I know what happened. She has apparently gone off on others, one way or another. She had ridden down to the gathering with the guy on the right in the photo, and was rooming with the Hawaiian woman on the left (without contributing to the cost of the room, BTW). The arrangements had been made before they'd had much social exposure to her, and now neither of them were too happy about spending time with her. The woman had even found another room to sleep in. I think perhaps FW noticed she was being shunned.
That morning, she was happy to be sitting in the middle of the group at the table. She likes to be the center of attention. She left to get food or whatever, came back, and found that I had taken her place in the middle. She would be left on the outskirts again. And it was all my fault. I was The Usurper.
She freaked.
Her problem, not mine, and that finally sank in for me. I think it's that other people have also commented on her instability and tendency to viciously attack anyone who in any way offends her, and how she sees offense everywhere. Others have mentioned not wanting to be in the line of attack, and since you never see it coming, it's better to just avoid her. So it's not just me. That helps.
(A small detail - I had purchased two tickets for the banquet the night before, in case The Man or Daughter could attend. Neither was able. The banquet was sold out, and FW had no ticket. I gave her my extra ticket, and did not request payment. Neither did she offer. So much for gratitude.)
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Same woman, different topic. She's on social security disability. She works when she can find a job, but can earn only a little, or she'll lose the disability checks. She's intelligent and capable. She's the head of the local Mensa chapter, and she runs the group well. Yeah, ok, she's got "a diagnosis", and takes a variety of meds, but she's not disabled. She's perfectly abled. What the heck?
I was annoyed at first. I saw it as sucking on the government teat, the rest of us paying for her laziness. Now I know better. Yes, she can work, and she can be very productive. She can contribute. She is not lazy. She has a lot of good skills to offer. But the problem is that she can't hold any one job for very long before she gets pissed off at someone else on the job and blasts them. And she's always pissed at everyone else in the office, usually because they don't do things they way she thinks they should be done. She gets fired from jobs because no one wants that poison at the next desk.
Roman and I were talking one day, and we agreed that her current job might be the best for her. It might even last a while. You know those women at the end of the grocery aisle with the free samples? She shows up, sets up, microwaves samples, offers them, cleans up, and leaves. She rarely sees the boss. She doesn't have daily exposure to anyone. Brief encounters.
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