1643 Something Changed

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Every so often, for one reason or another, I go back into the archives and read old posts. There's some interesting stuff back there. I used to have "deep thoughts". I used to have opinions.

I don't anymore. Something has changed. No passion.

It's not like I have thoughts or opinions but I'm not writing about them, in the same way that I've decided not to write about other people. I just plain don't HAVE deep thoughts or strong opinions any more.

Maybe I'm depressed? I don't think so.

Maybe the economic and political and social climate have me shell-shocked, and I just gave up? Like there's no point in thinking about any of it? Possible, I guess.

Once upon a time I read 90-100 books a year. I kept a notebook where I reviewed every book read, where I wrote and wrote about what "deep thoughts" I got from the book. That was when I was married to Ex#2, and I thought I was going to die if my life didn't change, if something didn't happen. I retreated into books until I was strong enough to leave him.

I've started reading again. About one book a week. I don't know if that means anything. I'm not getting any "deep thoughts" from them.

The feeling is like my life is on hold, like I'm waiting for something. I'm listening. Breathing shallowly. Waiting for a shoe to drop. A signal.
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