Friday, June 9, 2006
I talked with May Wednesday evening. She called me with a problem she had, wanting advice.
In the course of discussing her problem (what to do about a young family member of hers who she thinks is in trouble), I told her about my youngest sister, and how guilty I felt when she died. She was in serious trouble, and I knew it, and I tried to help, but she wouldn't accept any help. I was waiting for her to "hit bottom", but she up and died first. For years after, I felt so very guilty that I didn't just kidnap her and force help on her. That I didn't recognize that she WAS at bottom, and maybe all I had to do was insist. I was her big sister. I felt responsible.
That's all true, and I do still feel guilty, but the purpose of my telling May this was to get her to tell me how it wasn't my fault, and how if my sister wouldn't accept my help, there was nothing I could do, which she of course did. My purpose was to help May realize for herself that she could offer, but if the offer was rejected, she shouldn't feel guilty. People have their own fates to work out. Sometimes it's not so bad if you go into it with that thought. You do all you can. That's all you can do. You can't feel guilty if it's not enough.
And here I am in the situation again.
May's chief activity the past year and a half, since she finally settled her late husband's estate, has been planning the dispersal of her own (very large!) estate. They had no children, and she has been estranged from most of her siblings. When her husband was alive, they rarely socialized, rarely even left the house. Now she's all alone there, and except for legal and medical appointments, I doubt that she ever leaves the house or sees anyone other than the lawn people and the cleaning lady. She's a recluse.
I have invited her out a number of times, but she refuses. I've tried to suggest that she get involved in something - political action or support, something artsy-fartsy, philanthropy, volunteering, something to feel connected, but she tells me she doesn't need connecting. She has some amazing stories of life in the upper levels of The Company, and I have suggested that she write them down, maybe even write a book. But, she's not interested.
Wednesday evening, her voice was very slow and halting. She didn't sound good at all. Those of us who were her friends suspect that she drinks too much. She didn't seem drunk - didn't get maudlin as she does when she's had a bit too much. But I almost hope she was drunk when she called, because if she wasn't, that's even more worrisome. Like her clock is winding down.
Her old friends have pretty much stopped calling her, because, well, we don't know her drinking schedule. She calls them (us) sometimes, but the last few times her name came up at social events lately, I've been disturbed by the way they talk about her now. "Did she call you about...?" "Oh, God, yes. I couldn't get her off the phone!" "The same stories over and over...." "She called me at 3 am ..." I mention that I'm worried about her, and they say yes, but what can you do. And then they laugh, because her catchphrase is "Well, what can I say", and then she proceeds to say it, in --- a --- very --- slow --- halting --- voice. And she'll say the same thing several times.
I'm troubled because Wednesday evening, when I said I wanted to get her out into the world again, she responded that "The world would be better off if I stepped in front of a bus tomorrow." And during the hour conversation, she said several other things like that. I told her she needed something to make her feel useful, to grab her interest and use her talents, and she said she didn't want to feel useful.
I want to do something, but there doesn't seem to be anything I can do that won't piss her off. She sees a doctor regularly, and if he doesn't recognize a depression, or doesn't think it needs treating, she won't hear it from me.
I guess I have to just keep telling myself, "if the offer is rejected, you shouldn't feel guilty. People have their own fates to work out. You do all you can. That's all you can do. You can't feel guilty if it's not enough", and hope it sinks in this time.
Incidentally, May is only three years older than I am. Her talking as if her life is over scares me, on several levels.
2 comments:
Wow, that's a tough one. She certainly sounds depressed from what you've described. You might want to make more effort than normal to keep in contact with her without being so obvious as to make her feel like you are checking up on her.
If she mentions any specific plans for hurting herself, I would be very concerned.
It's very hard to reach out to people who don't want to accept help though, and your best intentions might even drive her away.
An acquaintance of mine committed suicide in 2000 and I found myself shocked by how someone with such a seemingly positive outlook on life could have done that. It was a harsh reminder of how much inner turmoil a person can be suffering with and give no clues to those around them.
The sad thing was that I don't think he had any concept of how many people cared about him and were hurt by his death.
You are truly a wonderful friend to her. Do allyou can, but PLEASE don't let her pull you down like a drowning person will try to do to their rescuer. Keep those boundaries, which is seems like you are trying to do.
Chris
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