Sunday, June 04, 2006
I'm meeting men on the dating sites (more than I've mentioned here), and none of them are working out. There are some who were very interested in me, but I didn't want them. And there were a few that I found very interesting, but who found me ... intimidating.
That's not just a nice word for it - several of them came right out and used the word, or talked around it, but that's pretty much what they meant.
One exact quote, "You're smarter than I am, and that bothers me. I'll always wonder." That from a law school graduate. He said it in different ways several times that evening. I kept denying it, he was much better educated and experienced than I, but he seemed to get more and more depressed. At the end of the evening came the "intimidating".
Another said "You know, we've been together for four hours this evening, and you haven't once mentioned clothes shopping or celebrities."
Me: "Is that good or bad?"
He: "Bad. Everything you say seems to have meaning. I'm not used to that."
That evening he was eager for another date, but then he later cancelled. (By email, the day after a late night one-hour very enjoyable telephone call during which he told me he wanted my body, then apologized for being so forward. I laughed and said Iwas flattered. He said he felt stupid blurting like that.)
I've had two longterm male friends in the past six weeks come right out and admit I scare them. One said it's because I can see through him, he can't manage or manipulate me. The other wouldn't explain, but I suspect it's similar reasons.
(They should talk to Roman. He can manage and manipulate me. Maybe that's why I want him.)
I don't see how I come across as smart. Or "intimidating". I do score high on tests, but I'm not a brainiac. I have a memory like a sieve. I don't initiate conversations about literature, or philosophy, or current events. I don't spout facts. In fact, I don't know a whole lot about anything. If you've been reading this blog, you know that already. I don't tell men they're wrong, no matter what they say. If I don't agree I just ask them to explain it to me. I don't know how to talk about inane things. I don't understand social chitchat at all. I've watched and listened, but I just can't do it. I'm not very assertive, let alone aggressive, and certainly not on a first or second date. And of course I don't mention Mensa.
If I've got smarts, about the only way it might show is that I understand things quickly. I pick up on clues (if I'm relaxed enough to notice, that is). I understand relationships between ideas and between statements, and between ideas and statements. I'm not satisfied with the surface only, I want to see underneath, to understand not just what, but how and why.
The men I don't find interesting are perhaps unable to notice that about me, it blows right past them. And the men I do find interesting are aware enough to pick up on it, and it bothers them.
Why?
Do they find me too intense? Too much work? Boring???? (Can't be boring. We talk up storms, and they get really interested in the conversations.)
Is it that they're afraid of me? Afraid they can't control me? Afraid I'd be too difficult to satisfy?
At any rate, everytime I've dropped a man so far, it's been mainly because I don't find his mind, the way his mind works, fascinating.
And every man whom I have found interesting seems to have been put off by the way my mind works. (Back in the 60s and 70s, men often told me my mind was "too masculine". Right after they called me a sex kitten. Sigh.)
Very frustrating.
Just something else I don't understand.
6 comments:
"Bad. Everything you say seems to have meaning. I'm not used to that."
Hum... either a mentally retarded moron or he has been dating mentally retarded morons... what kind of talk is that?
If a woman is not smarter than me, why would I want to be with her?
Ah. Yes. But these are American men, who tend to be unsure of themselves to begin with, 58 to 63 years of age and beginning to feel it, who have been through a recent traumatic divorce, and who are probably therefore lacking in self-confidence. I think all they want now is quiet and comfort, softness, no challenge. Someone who will say "Yes, Dear" all the time.
I can provide all that. But I guess they can't see past the ... whatever it is I exude.
I don't know - as a recently separated person, I still seek my intellectual equal. Anyone who doesn't isn't worth your time.
I am also attracted to men that I tend to view as more intelligent or knowledgeable. In the past that generally meant dating older men, but now there seems to be a problem with them having suddenly become too old.
I had to laugh at that one - try being 61 and looking at older men. (Shudder!) My late husband (one of the most brilliant men I'd known) was eight years younger than I, and I thought that was about right....
I'm joining in a bit late here! How disappointing. But at least they are weeding themselves out early and admitting they're intimidated, rather than feeling insecure and being passive aggressive as a result. Personally, when I meet men who are obviously much smarter than me, I find it exciting. Slightly intimidating, maybe, but totally worth it! It makes me raise my game. I guess it's different for a lot of men. Their loss, your saved time!!
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