752 The Talk

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Roman and I met in the parking lot last evening, ate in the diner (which was too noisy for talking) and then he drove us to one of the river mansions, where we sat on a bench on the grounds and talked for several hours.

He was more open than he has ever been, and I understand a lot more now about him, her, their relationship, us. Not everything, but enough.

Until now, I was convinced that she did not love him, that she was stringing him along and using him. Because I do love him, I found that maddening. Like even if I didn't end up with him, he had to get away from her. That he could never be happy with her. She was tearing him up and wasting his time. I couldn't understand why he was so fascinated with her, and why, if he had such strong feelings for her, why was he messing with me.

I keep saying that all I want is for him to be happy, and it's true, even if no one believes it.

Now, I know what the situation is. I know what the connection is, and a little about why she is holding him off. I know that even if he isn't, and may never be, completely happy with her, he would be more unhappy without her, even if she is the one who breaks it off.

So, ok, I'll change what I want. All I want is for him to be less unhappy. I'll do whatever I can to help.

He says all she knows about me is that I exist, that I used to work with him. Nothing else. The woman has no curiosity. She didn't even ask how long it had been going on, or whether he'd slept with me. She asks no questions. I had thought it was because she didn't care, but now I think it's just her personality. He didn't use the word, but I believe she is extremely passive.

He did tell her that it wasn't a Boston RG he went to last month, that he went to Pennsylvania with me. She asked if the March RG was real, and he said yes, that one was real. But she didn't ask, and he didn't tell her, that he went with me.

Passive.

He apparently likes passive. Where he and I have butted heads to the point of making him angry is that I am nowhere near passive. I want to understand everything, and I will do whatever I need to do to get the information I need. That frightens him in two ways - he's afraid of his own anger, and, not that he's trying to hide anything, but it bothers him that he can't predict me. I need him to be open, but he's simply not introspective enough to be comfortable with that. I want him to tell me what he feels, and half the time he doesn't know what he feels. Therefore, she, with her passive acceptance, is much more comfortable for him. Calming.

I see that. Her upbringing and mine were very different.
She had polio when she was three years old, and has been protected and coddled all her life. I escaped an extremely abusive family only to be used and abused by others.
She has faith that she will be safe. There's a wonderful calmness inside with that. I know the only way I can be safe is to be vigilant, to be aware of all threats and be armed against them.
She is used to being taken care of. I know that in the end, only I can take care of me.

And now she has a debilitating illness that is threatening her. Roman finally told me how she is affected. He does do a lot for her. She needs him. I don't.

He thinks that because of the personality conflicts, he and I would probably never last in a long-term intense relationship anyway. I think it could work if I didn't feel threatened, but as long as she's alive, I'd feel threatened. And whatever else, he'd always be on guard, afraid of my probing.

So, ok, I accept that. He isn't the first man I've loved that I ultimately realized I couldn't live with. It doesn't change the love, but it changes the expectations.

I think they will be alright. He has saddened and disappointed her, he says she's still angry, but I suspect she will forgive him. She let him stay over from Saturday night 'til Tuesday morning - so it can't be too bad. I doubt, from what I've heard of her personality, that she will "snipe" at him for long, if at all, so it will probably soon blow over.

We're going to try being friends. I don't know how that will work out.

Friends with occasional benefits.

I need once more, soon, just to erase the Glen as the last time. The Glen is too important to me, and I need to replace that memory with another.

He said maybe a lot more. (Damn his mixed messages!) I guess neither of us want to give it up entirely.

I said not again for a while. Maybe a long while.

I need to internalize my new knowledge, to be able to defend myself against mixed messages. Otherwise we'd just fall back into the old patterns.

He said yeah, can't have you hoping again.

Sigh.