739 The Crisis - "Someone Should Tell Her"

Ok. This post is out of sequence for a reason. There's been something (not so very) mysterious going on. Here it is - the hitherto unpublished events of the past ten days. It's long. It's boring. It shouldn't even be here, but I'm angry and I don't care. Many of the thoughts and feelings have changed since they were written, but here's the full progression.
------------------------------------------

Written Thursday afternoon, June 15, 2006, about events the previous Saturday and Sunday:

The title of this journal is "I Don't Understand". Because mainly I don't.

Like, why are so many of my supposed friends so eager to tell me that Roman is involved with another woman? What I didn't know until last Saturday night is that so many of them had met her. Apparently, before he got involved with me, he had taken her to Mensa events [later edit - only two, both at NJ's], and everyone "knew" that he was living with her.

Saturday night, Moonlight Madness. A bunch of women in NJ's kitchen. All very eager to tell me all about her and all about him, that they have been living together for years, that they vacation in Arizona, that.... I listened until I got pissed because they had so much wrong, and then I corrected their misconceptions. No, he is NOT living with her. He has his own place, and goes over to her place on Friday nights through Monday morning. She won't let him move in with her. No, all his furniture is not in her house. She probably wouldn't ALLOW any of his stuff in her house. His furniture is at his place, and some is stored in her garage, the dining room set he's trying to sell. She has a daughter in Arizona. And yes, he lies to her because he knows he can get away with it, and she's either not swift enough or doesn't care enough to figure it out.

I told them a bit about what's true, and what's REALLY been going on. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I'm not sorry I did.

They were thoroughly shocked that I knew about her.

They were even more shocked, and upset, that she DIDN'T know about me.

The consensus was that he's pond scum, I'm a fool (which they kept telling me over and over), if there's me "there are probably others", after me "there will definitely be others", and most of all, repeated several times to general nods and acclaim, "Someone should tell her!"

Someone should tell her.

Of course, no one was willing to be the one to tell her.

They tried to convince me I should tell her. I said I couldn't, but if anyone else wanted to, be my guest. When they asked why I couldn't tell her, I said it was because I'd promised Roman I wouldn't. They asked what a promise to him was worth. "He's scum. He's not worth wasting a promise on."

They asked why, knowing what I know, why do I continue? I said because I fell in love with him. I appreciate all the good things about him, and understand the bad. And because he's absolutely terrific in bed. Best ever, and I've been around enough to know. (I've been around enough to know that it's not individual skill that pushes it into the spectacular zone - it's the combination. And together, we are terrific. We match perfectly in so many ways.) I can't give him up. I've tried, and I am trying, but when he smiles I want him. All of him. And they don't understand what's going on. He's really a nice guy, just very confused.

"He can be very charming."

"Yeah. But he's scum."

Now, here's what I don't understand, what's been tearing me up for the past four days:

Why is everyone so anxious to tell me? Is it because they do like me and want to "save" me, or because they don't like me and don't mind hurting me?

And why is their reaction "Someone should tell her!" (not just that night, but on two earlier occasions, too, different people), and yet no one will? Is it because they like her and don't want to hurt her, or that they don't want to get involved (then why are they so eager to tell me?), or that they don't like either of them and think they deserve each other?

She's using him the same as he uses me. She's playing him, like he plays me. She likes having a handyman and lover and social escort on the weekends. Single women don't get invited out much by couples, and she likes her social life. Her ex-husband has moved on, and she likely would be embarrassed to go to family functions alone. Her excuses for not allowing him into her life fully are exactly that - excuses! If she really loved him, she'd want him there with her. If she really loved him, she'd had offered back in December, when his housemate moved out and it looked like his rental house would be sold. And deep down, Roman knows all of that, and that's why he messed with me. But he stays with her because he keeps hoping she will love him. He told me once that he attempted to break up with me in January because I was forcing him to look at things he didn't want to see. Isn't denial a wonderful thing?

Sitting here thinking about it, I just realized something else the kitchen women probably misunderstood. I didn't know about her at first. He told me at first that he "had been seeing someone" for about two and a half years, but that "the relationship had changed, it wasn't good anymore". He asked me several times over the course of the next few months, "Please don't change." He allowed me to believe it was over with her until November, when I put two and two together and figured out that he was still seeing her. I tried to break up with him then, but couldn't. I tried again in January, and couldn't. In late February he asked me to "wait for him", he said that I might be "the woman I spend the rest of my life with". In March I complained that she gets 60 hours a week with him, and I'm lucky to get 12, and his response was "I'm working on that." Just lately he's been exploring Ulster job opportunities - which happen to be more convenient to my house.

So they may think she's the "Wronged Woman", and I'm the "Little Homewrecker", and that's why they're willing to hurt me but not her....?

On second thought, no. They were truly surprised that I knew about her. They really thought he was playing me. Ok, back to "don't understand" mode.

I know my feelings for him are (were?) pure and true. I suspect her feelings are not. I think I have been more wronged! By her, by her hanging on to him when she doesn't really want him. Just to have somebody when it's convenient. She is doing him wrong, and he's doing the same to me, and lying to her in the process.

I asked him once what she would do if she found out about me, and he said "Oh, she'd be mad, but she wouldn't throw me out." Cocky SOB, isn't he.... But then, I didn't throw him out either. He can be very charming.

So Sunday, I went to the computer show with Roman, and told him about the previous evening. I was very upset. I told him I felt like a fool, and that I was the laughingstock of Mensa. His response was that we need to quit. No more romance. He felt really bad that I was having such a hard time with other's perceptions, but his greatest fear seems to be that she will find out. The "Someone should tell her" scared him. And then he snuggled me during our goodbyes in the parking lot. Very loving. Very tight. Kisses. I tried to deflect him with my purse and parcels between us, but finally I set them down. Sigh. I get mixed signals from him. I know he has feelings for me. I know he loves me in a way, "but not enough, not the way you want me to". I know he wants to be able to love me, but there's something wrong, something in the way.

He almost never tells me he loves me. He says he doesn't want to mislead me. The previous Tuesday he had been here setting up the DVD player, and then Wednesday we had a long and very nice phone conversation, at the end of which he said "Love you." No qualifications included. He said it softly, he breathed it, like he hoped I didn't hear it. I didn't react, just passed it off, because I figured he was used to saying that to her at the end of phone calls, and I figured that he had just slipped, and that it wasn't really meant for me. So on Sunday, in the parking lot, after he had told me we were over, I told him that, that I had heard it but I didn't react because etc. He got a really funny look on his face, and said, "No, it was meant for you. I really did mean it for you." He didn't have to say that. Saying it only made things worse for him.

It only makes things worse.

So.

Somebody should tell her? Who will? Will anyone?

You would have to put hot irons to my feet to get her name and phone number out of me, but, hey! My right foot is numb between the index and middle toes, remember?

-------------------------------------------
Written later Thursday night, 6/15 -

I wrote the above this afternoon because I knew I'd be seeing him at the Third Thursday Mensa dinner tonight, and I wanted to get my head straight before I saw him. I didn't post it then because I wanted to see if anything had changed since Sunday.

It did.

I had called him on his (brand new) cell phone Monday night, about 10:30 pm. I "knew" two things - he was teaching a class that ended at 9:30 and would probably get home just before 10:30, and secondly that he didn't see her on Mondays (she doesn't allow weekday visits unless she needs him for something). I wanted to ask about his mother.

He answered the phone.

He was with the other woman. At her house, or in a car, I don't know.

She thought that she was the only person who had his cell number. Note that he had told me I could call him any time, even on weekends.

He did a whole bunch of things wrong - this is how I know he's not used to cheating. The poor man doesn't have a clue. I told him tonight that what you're SUPPOSED to do is a) when you're with her, put it on vibrate, or turn it off, and b) if you do screw up and answer, and it's me, say "He's not at this number, you have the wrong number", and then call me back as soon as you can. He said he thought it WAS on vibrate.

Instead, it rang, and he panicked. He said he couldn't hear me, bad connection (it wasn't), so naturally, what did I do? I yelled louder. Which ensured that she heard me. I told him to call me back "later, when you get home". I figured he was on the road, going home from class. Yeah, I said "love you" at the end.

She wanted to know who I was, and why I had his number and was calling so late, and I know him well enough to know exactly what happened. He got the thunder face and shut down, and refused to discuss it. He says she hasn't spoken to him since.

He looked really bad tonight. He is suffering. He doesn't know what to do. He told me it's over with us on Sunday, that he's choosing her, and the very next night ....

He said he was going to have to tell her about me, but he didn't know what to say, or how much. I told him that she probably suspected something was going on before this. And if there is any chance whatsoever that someone else told her or will tell her anything, he damn well better tell the truth. All of it. "You don't know how much she already knows."

I also overstepped again, and told him what I thought of her, that if she loved him, she'd ... blah blah. You don't refuse to speak to someone you love. You don't withhold yourself from someone you love. You want to be with someone you love, you don't push them away all the time. Blah blah. He knows. He said he knows. I know he knows it's all wrong with her, but there's something about her that fascinates him. He looked like he was about to cry when he said "But it was starting to change. It was starting to get better."

He's in even worse denial than I ever was.

The sad thing is that I just want him to be happy. If I thought he could be happy with her, if I thought she loved him, I'd have a lot less difficulty letting him go. But I can't stand the thought of giving him up to a woman who merely likes him, but doesn't fully appreciate him, and who is just keeping him on the string because she knows she can, and he's useful.

We hugged a lot in the parking lot. The last was so tight I thought he'd break me.

-------------------------------------------
Written Friday evening, 6/16 -

He called to update me on his parent's status. He knows I'm concerned about them. We talked. The other woman has agreed to talk with him on Saturday evening. He will let me know how it goes.

I warned him not to lie, and not to allow her to believe untruths by not correcting wrong impressions. "Every time you allow her to believe something that's not true, you've planted a land mine." I reminded him that she seems to be in total control of their relationship, but HE should be in control of his life.

On the one hand, I want him to be happy. On the other hand, I hope she kicks him out. He keeps hoping that she will make him happy some day, but I don't believe he can be fully himself with her. I told him that one day, maybe in a few years, he will tell me what it is that he finds so fascinating about her. Right now, I don't understand anything.

----------------------------
Written Saturday, 6/17 -

Long talk with Piper. I wanted to talk with him because he is so perceptive, and he knows a lot of what's been going on, and he knows and likes Roman. I don't need advice - there's nothing I can do - but I just needed to talk with someone.

I told Piper the whole story, all of it. Everything that has happened in the past year.

Piper doesn't understand what's going on with Roman either. He says there's something missing in the guy. Something missing, that makes it difficult for him to decide what he wants. However, in contrast to everyone else who knows, Piper believes that Roman is doing the best he can, and that there is no intent to hurt anyone. He believes that Roman is honest, and does care for me, but - there's something missing, something wrong with him.

Or there's a missing part to the story. Something important that I don't know.

Piper also explained why the kitchen women were so eager to tell me what was going on, but not willing to tell her. Because they KNOW me, I am one of them. They may have met her, but they don't know her. So although they all say "someone should tell her", they don't really care whether she knows or not. That's all.

It can go any one of four ways tonight.

If she takes him back weekends-only, same conditions as before, the price will be that he can have no contact with me, and possibly with Mensa, and it could go on that way forever! He'll still be unhappy. I'll be sad. This is a very bad denouement, but unfortunately the most likely.

If she takes him back and lets him move in with her, well, I almost hope that's what happens, because either it will work and he will be happy, and I can live with that, or it won't work and after a time whatever hold she has on him will dissipate and he'll leave her and turn back to me. Either way is ok. I can handle that. Unless by the time he realizes he's unhappy, her condition (she has PPS) has deteriorated to the point where he can't leave her. This is very bad.

If she throws him out completely, maybe he will turn to me, but I don't know if I should accept him that way, because I'll forever be afraid that she'll crook her finger, and he'll go back to her. This is actually a likely scenario, and it scares me. Because if she does throw him out, and if he does then turn to me, I'll take him in. I'm that big a fool. The kitchen women were right.

The last possibility is that in their discussion tonight, he realizes that she doesn't love him, and he decides he can't live under her rules and conditions, and she doesn't need him as much he thought she did, and he gives her up. This is the least likely to happen, and probably just fanciful thinking on my part, but it is my only hope.

Oh, Piper did offer another hope. She has Post-Polio Syndrome, brace on one leg, fatigue, etc. Piper said that people with PPS don't live long once the later symptoms start to appear. I could just wait, you know.... I gave Piper the fish-eye - I don't want to hope for that, or even think about it. (Actually, that prognosis isn't strictly true. There's no way to predict the course of the illness. She works full time now, as far as I know, and she has a full and active social life, so she can't be too bad. But it's there, and there's no predicting what will happen. Besides, being "post-polio", and having been diagnosed with Post-Polio Syndrome at two very different things.)

I'm sure Roman is aware of it, too. Her future may not be bright. Maybe that's why he can't leave her, and why he's so afraid of hurting her. Maybe that's the fascination. He did say once that there was a moral and ethical reason for his staying with her that overrode his own happiness, although at that time he wouldn't go into what it was, and it was before I knew about the PPS. He really is very loyal. Under all this crap.

So, tonight, two people are talking about me, and in deciding their future, they are deciding mine.
------------------------------------------

Sunday evening, 6/18/06

I had dinner this evening with NJ. It was in her kitchen that I was attacked by all those women, and actually, it was NJ that started it. We sat on the patio of a restaurant around the corner from her house, and we talked for four hours. I told her everything. Of course, all she got was my side, and there's so much I don't know.

She didn't make me feel any better, but at least she now understands and sympathizes. She says that she told me about the other woman because she didn't like to see me hurt by Roman. She, and everyone else, thought he was just playing me. Now, after our talk, she thinks that Roman has been sincere, but that there is something more, some part we're missing, and that he's super confused and super messed up. And that there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I had assumed that the other woman had physical difficulties, but NJ says that the two times Roman had brought her to NJ's apartment (the second floor of a colonial-era house with high ceilings), she'd had no problem with the high steep stairs. That kind of hurt, because her physical dependency on him was one of the excuses I had assigned to him, to explain why he was having so much trouble deciding what to do. In my mind, I have given him so many excuses, and one by one they are falling away.

I had left my cell phone on, but got no calls. I got home about 11 pm, and there were no messages on the home phone. I am going crazy. I can't call him. I have to wait until he's ready to tell me what happened in their talk (and who knows what else) Saturday night, and until then I am sick to my stomach.
------------------------------------
Monday night, 6/19

He said he'd talk with her on Saturday evening. I asked him to call me and tell me how it went as soon as he could. He said he may not have any privacy on Sunday, but he'd call Monday for sure.

He didn't call on Sunday. That could mean she has taken him back and she allowed him to stay with her on Sunday. Or not. I don't know. But he didn't call today, either, and that worries me. He worked today, so I know he had opportunity to call. So either she has made him promise no contact with me, or he's not ready to talk to me yet. He HAS to know what I'm feeling. Sometimes I could hate him.
---------------------------------------

Later Monday night, wee hours of Tuesday morning, 6/20

I broke down and called his home, no answers, finally left message(s). I know he's not there. I know he spent Saturday night, and Sunday day and night with her, and he's there tonight. That's why he hasn't called me. I also sent an "up" email about Firefox, and a "down" email telling him that I didn't want to talk to him on the phone, that I wanted him to find a time that we could get together to talk.

----------------------------------------
Early afternoon, Tuesday, 6/20

He called. I didn't answer the phone. It didn't sound like he'd gotten any of my messages. He left a message which included that "things were better after their talk Saturday night" (I guess she's at least speaking to him now), but that he still didn't know where it was going. And that he had a class tonight, so he couldn't call tonight (why not?) but that he would call "sometime".

Not fifteen minutes after he hung up, the phone rang again. This time I picked it up just before the tape did. I said Hello, but no one spoke. I could hear breathing. I said Hello? Hello? Is anyone there? And a high-pitched female voice with a sing-song accent said "Is this [Deleted business name]?" She spaced it out exactly like that. I said "Well, yes, I guess so. Why?" And she hung up.

Scared me witless.

So I called Roman's home. He'd just called me, so I thought that's where he'd be, but no answer, so I left a message - Does "she" have an accent, or a friend or coworker with an accent? - And did he ever mention [Deleted] in connection with me?

Then I called his cell, and got him. Same questions, No, and No. We didn't talk much - I didn't want to. I did ask if he was spending tonight with her, and he said no. Nor tomorrow night. I said "So, you're together under the same conditions as before?" and he said "No, not quite." We didn't go into detail. I didn't want to on the phone.

It sounds exactly like my worst prediction.

We are to meet tomorrow at five, in a diner parking lot in Hyde park.