678 Regrets

Sunday, May 7, 2006

I have been asked, "If you knew you would die tomorrow, what would you regret?"

I haven't put a lot of thought into it, but right off the bat I'd regret that my house and papers and "affairs" are not in order for Daughter to handle. I'm working on it, but slowly.

Going back a ways, I regret that had I worked such long hours when Daughter was in her teens. I wish I hadn't been sucked into The Company line. I wish I had spent more time with her, that we had done more together, that I had known her friends well and had them over to the house.

I regret that I had allowed Tom N. to edge out Obie, when I knew Obie was a sweetheart, and Tom N. was an ass. We kept in touch until he died, but I wish I'd been able to keep Obie closer in my life.

I regret that I married Bob just because he wanted to, when I knew it couldn't possibly last, and I walked down the aisle thinking "Oh, well, I can always get a divorce." It wasn't that easy.

I regret that I left teaching. I loved teaching. I loved my kids. I hated every minute with The Company.

I regret that I stayed so long with Paul. I don't regret marrying him, that was at least for the right reasons, but when it was obvious it was bad for both of us, I shouldn't have stubbornly kept trying to rescue it. That was pride.

I regret that I didn't flirt with Roman back in 2002. I noticed him and liked him a lot then, even then I liked hugging him, felt warm in his arms, and I now know he wanted me then, but I thought he was still solidly married. I didn't give him any encouragement. I would have, had I known. Can I regret something someone else did? I regret that he didn't tell me he was separating. I regret that he didn't come to me until the divorce was final, and by then he was emotionally embroiled with someone else, and that's still going on.

On the other hand, if I went back and fixed all those things, I'm sure other regretful things would have taken their place. If I hadn't married Bob, I suspect Obie and I might have married, and that would have spoiled a beautiful relationship. We'd have hated each other within five years. I think we both knew that at the time.

If I had spent more time with Daughter, there's a very good chance I'd have interfered more. Her personality would have chafed under that. She'd have a lot more resentment now and I'd get a lot more blame.

If I had left Paul sooner, I might never have gotten strong. It was having to take control of my life and my future and realizing that what I had been doing wasn't working that made me get help, and made me grow into myself. So if I had not married him, or if I had given up sooner, I'd probably have just repeated all the old mistakes for a lot longer.

So, I guess I can't really regret much. It's just the way it was, and maybe the way it had to be.

Except the "affairs" not being in order. I'm working on that.