3645 Even mold avoids it

October 19, 2012

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.

-- Sharon Stone --

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I don't much like bread, except maybe with a fried egg or as a grilled cheese sandwich.  It's just a carrier for the good stuff.  I'm limited to about 150 calories for breakfast and 300 for lunch (I eat six times a day), so two slices of bread at 80-100 calories per slice kind of  limits what I can put in or on a sandwich.  All I want is something that will sop up egg yolk or hold meat, cheese, and lettuce together, and provide some fiber without using up my allocatable calories.  Oh, and taste good, or at least not bad.

Hello low calorie bread!  It's not always easy to find, but there are about three brands out there that have like 40 calories per slice.  (There's an absolutely fabulous bread available up by my old house, 40 calories per slice and multiple whole grains - actual chunks of grain and sunflower seed in it - that's delicious, but I can't find it around here.)

I tried one brand down here that was ok, but I didn't save the wrapper, and the next time I bought bread I got some other brand of tasteless dreck (Pepperidge Farm Lite Style 7 Grain).  I didn't eat half of it.  It tastes like cardboard from the basement.  You know it's bad when I start calling meat wrapped in lettuce a "sandwich", or when I'm making Welsh rabbit (rarebit!) instead of grilled cheese sandwiches, or when I lick the yolk off the plate rather than use bread - well, maybe I'm avoiding the bread.

Believe it or not, next shopping trip I bought the same dreck again.  I'm not too smart.

So I figured I'd feed it to the squirrels and birds.

Today I realized I'm probably starving the animals.  I'm throwing what looks nourishing out there, and they're gobbling it up like it has calories or something.

Oops.

You know there's not much nourishment in bread when closed up in the cupboard for three weeks it doesn't mold.  Or go stale.
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3352 Statistics: "True" propositions, specious conclusions

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

“Homosexuality is found in 450+ species. Homophobia is found in only one. Which one seems unnatural now?”

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Disturbing facts about bread:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully half of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to death.
5. Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread. The effects are obviously cumulative:
• 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten bread.
• 100% of all soldiers have eaten bread.
• 96.9% of all Communist sympathizers have eaten bread.
• 99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate bread within 6 months preceding the accident.
• 93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where bread is served frequently.
6. Evidence points to the long-term effects of bread eating: Of all people born before 1839 who later dined on bread, there has been a 100% mortality rate.
7. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate a lab rat. The average American eats more bread than that in one day.
8. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
9. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and being fed only water begged for bread after as little as two days.
10. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
11. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
12. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
13. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit. That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
14. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling!

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

• No sale of bread to minors.
• A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with celebrity TV spots, and bumper stickers.
• A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
• No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
• The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

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