Sunday, March 20, 2011
It's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.
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I went north to the old house Friday. For once, I remembered to both set the trip odometer
and look at it when I arrived. 130 miles.
My goal was not so much to pack up stuff to bring back, but to fill big black garbage bags. My minimum goal was five garbage bags, and five recycle bags. I took the recycle bags to the center (open only on Saturday morning), and put the garbage bags out for pickup. Saturday morning I had filled the sixth garbage bag and was starting on the seventh (I'm being tough! Haven't used in a year? Haven't missed? Not valuable? OUT!), when I unburied a box I didn't recognize in a corner of the bedroom.
I opened it. Big mistake.
My youngest sister Janice died in April of 1999. She was one of the most beautiful women you'd ever see, with skin that reflected light, huge dark eyes, clear unambiguous smile, fluffy dark hair, and amazing eyebrows. She was also sweet, gentle, and forgiving. She never had a chance in life, because our father got worse as he got older, so the last two, Janice and Baby Brother, well, it's a long sad story but they both ended up deep in addictions.
Janice and her husband were both alcoholics. They met in AA, and at the time they married, they had both been dry for a few years. But the husband (a handsome and very talented cabinetmaker) had low self-esteem also, and I guess he was afraid he couldn't hold such a beautiful wife --- unless he kept her too drunk to leave. His jealousy wouldn't even let her go to AA for fear she'd meet someone else.
I sent her money to save their house when they'd lost another job. I sent her money when they didn't have grocery money, even though I knew they'd probably buy alcohol instead of food. Every once in a while she'd be involuntarily committed to dry out, but he'd pull her out as soon as she was allowed to leave.
I kept waiting for her to hit bottom and agree to stay in rehab regardless of what he wanted, and I offered to pay for any clinic, for both of them if necessary, but it had to be separately, and she'd have to commit to the full time. She'd have to agree to be away from his influence for the duration. She never got to that point.
They went on a weekend binge, and she died sometime during the weekend, and he was too drunk to notice. They figure she'd been dead three days before he figured it out.
They buried her immediately, so I couldn't go to the funeral. Jay'd just been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, had surgery, and we were starting the clinical trials. I didn't have the energy to morn both Janice and Jay. There was a brief period of shock and regret for Janice, guilt that I didn't know how bad it was and didn't do more, and then I had to turn to Jay and more immediate matters.
Early in 2001, Janice's husband died. His mother, going through his stuff, found a lot of photos and papers that she said was Janice's family stuff, and she sent it to me. I'm not sure why me, when I believe our other sister had been more involved with them, but maybe because I had paid for Janice's funeral. But at that time, Jay was blind, bedridden, hemi-paralyzed, on a gazillion medications, and I was his fulltime and sole caretaker. We were in the end stretch, and again, I couldn't yet face what might be in the box. So I didn't go through it. Then Jay died, I went into a 3.5 year depression, became somewhat of a hoarder (I guess because I had lost so much, I bought bought bought anything and everything I wanted and didn't want to give anything up), I lost control of the house, and the box got buried.
I rediscovered it yesterday, and opened it.
Suddenly all the mourning for my sister that I had suppressed back then came flooding in. I cried and cried over the life she should have had, the life she could have had if our father hadn't beaten her into thinking she didn't deserve anything ... and then it got worse.
Her death certificate was in the box. Under cause of death it said "Alcoholism", and listed as a secondary cause was "Hepatitis C". I didn't know she actually had hepatitis. If I had known, I'd have taken more drastic measures to stop her drinking. I'd have gone down there and physically kidnapped her. If I had to, I'd have provoked her husband into beating me up so I could have him arrested so he'd go to jail, and then as soon as I could walk again I'd have a few days to convince her to get help, or failing that, I'd kidnap her.
I think. I don't know if I could have. Kidnapping her would be one thing. Keeping her would be another. But the point is, I didn't do anything. And so the guilt hit, and it hit hard.
I had planned to work on the old house until about 7 or 8 pm last night, but I ended up leaving at 2, because I knew I wasn't going to get anything else done, and if I were driving I could stop the crying.
I think I'm ok now. I'm able to think back to that time and what I was already dealing with, and it's easier to accept my inaction. Sometimes things are just fate.
But the green quote at the top of the page (random! honest!) will make it easier to fill more garbage bags.
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