I met some folks for brunch today, and then got back to the basement about 2 pm. It's 6 pm now, and I'm going to knock off for the night. My back is complaining, and the dumpster is almost full. I think tomorrow I can cut up the boxes I emptied over the past few days and that will finish that corner of the basement. I'll have them pick this container up maybe Thursday, empty it, and bring it back. There's still the remaining 3/4 of the basement to do, not to mention the attic. I can't wait to find out the weight for this load. Anyone want to make a guess?
There's a Christmas tree, two dehumidifiers, and a television set that I want to put in this first load, but I can't lift them over the side of the dumpster. The dehumidifiers have to go on top so they can be easily pulled out for special handling.
The header for this entry says I'm tired, and I am, but it's not the physical tiredness that's getting to me. I am emotionally tired. I am tired of being responsible. I am tired of making decisions. I am tired of doing the worrying. I am tired of being in charge. I want someone to take care of me. To make the big decisions, and hug me and tell me everything will be all right.
I had neither a real childhood nor a normal adolescence. My parents didn't take care of us, in the "making us safe" sense. We pretty much survived on our own wits. When I was married to Ex#1 he was physically absent through the whole marriage, and I had to take care of me alone, even when I was pregnant and laid off, and after losing the baby. When I was married to Ex#2 he was mentally and emotionally absent. I didn't exist for him, sometimes he didn't speak to me for literally weeks at a time, and so I had to take of me and our daughter alone. After I left him, I was a single mother for more than 10 years, and I took care of us alone. Then there was Jay. With his Aspergers he needed a manager and a mommy, so I took care of us, and then when he got sick it was high-powered taking care of him, alone.
Now I'm tired of it. I've done a good job. I have a healthy and drug-free Daughter who is well prepared for whatever she wants to do. I have enough money that I don't have to work any more.
I'm tired. I want it to be my turn. I want someone to take care of me, to coddle me. Someone to at least help with the decisions and share the worries.
Someone to keep me safe.
1 comment:
hi silk, wow girl, u had a tuff life. i give u all the credit in the world. its not any easy thing to do, but u did and now u have it all. that junk must weigh tons!!!!! im proud of you.....roberta
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