#564 Relationship "How To"

There's some guy who is making a mint teaching the military and various groups how to build a relationship, how to find the right person. I checked out his program, and phooey! it looks exactly like what we girls all knew back in the 60s. He has just expanded it into a "book length" course with a lot of acronyms. (Like anyone would actually remember the acronyms or apply them in actual situations.)

Basically, what we all knew way back then was that the phases must go in the following order, no skipping. You must completely explore one phase before you can consider yourself fully into the next, because each phase is built on the previous.

1. Friendship. Get to know each other. Learn about his family, background, values, interests, goals. Find out how he reacts in different situations. Discover common interests and dreams. Find out what you share. Give this phase enough time to get past the posing and into the real person. Mystery is bad. Do you have real fun together, even when you aren't doing fun things? Do you admire each other's strengths? Can you accept each other's weaknesses?
   
2. Trust. You need to have trust and faith in him. Does he always do what he says he will do, is he honest, open, and forthright, do you sense there's something hidden, is the friendship on an even keel or does he seem to swing back and forth? Does he seem to have his, or your, best interests in mind? Can you always believe him when he speaks?
   
3. Emotional intimacy. Do you feel that you can say anything to him, and he will understand? Is he able to say anything to you without you getting upset? Does he let you into his deepest feelings? Do you understand how each other's minds work? Can you predict reactions? When you feel especially good or especially bad about something, is he the first person you think of to share it with?
4. Commitment. If you've both done a good job on #2 and #3, this follows almost naturally. This is not necessarily a formal declaration, but that you both feel that the other is "the one", and that neither of you will put the relationship in jeopardy.
   
5. Physical intimacy.

Nowadays, folks want to reverse steps 4 and 5. I guess it would work for younger people, but I'm afraid I'm stuck in MY youth. I'm glad I was reminded of this.

Jay and I were forced by circumstance into following the steps over a very long period. I suppose that's why it was so perfect between us.

And I know now what went wrong with Roman - I skimped on the steps. Knowing the process is one thing. Following it is another. I thought we were bumping along just fine, but that was denial. I'm afraid that we may never recover #2, and I'm not sure he is capable of #3. Not now, anyway, he may be too old to learn new tricks, and mental and emotional intimacy is something I absolutely need. It's not one of those weaknesses I can accept. Despite evidence to the contrary, I do believe he is capable of commitment. Too bad #5 was so darn good. It threw a blanket over everything else that was wrong.

I wish my printer was working. I'd print this thing out and nail it to the inside of the front door.