#539 What I Would Say to Her

Monday, 01/23/06

I got up early this morning to go to the spa and work on the machines, and found snow in the driveway. It's already above the floor of the van and still falling, so I guess I'm not going anywhere until it stops and I can clear it.

I got email from Roman last night, about 1:30 am. He has recanted on my sending flowers, says he "doesn't know why" he told me not to. I'm beginning to wonder if he might have some kind of split personality thing going. He so often says or does something, then later he's completely different. Even his face changes. I've often said to him "Is this you, or your twin brother?" Either that or he's reading this journal after he told me he doesn't. I really don't think he is. I don't know. I don't care about that any more. I had offered it to him as a way to "get to know the real me", but he wasn't interested. (Actually, what he said was "Why read it - you always tell me everything that's in it anyway.") If he's reading it now, it's not to know me, but to find out if I'm thinking of retaliation.

I want to stop writing about him and thinking about him, but he's still such a presence. It's just poke, poke, poke. I want some kind of resolution. He's so afraid I will contact "her" and tell her what's been going on. If he thinks that, he doesn't know me at all. I am very tempted to contact her, but not to destroy him. What I would say to her is:

Roman loves you very much.
He's very unhappy.
You have it within your power to make him happy.
He wants to be completely accepted into your life, but you are holding him off.
You are torturing him.
You have him in limbo.
If you love him completely, accept his offer.
If you don't love him completely, turn him loose.
But don't keep him dangling like this.
It's not fair to him.

I could do it. I know where to find her if I want to talk to her. I could write her a note. I could call her. But I probably won't. Not for a while, anyway. Not until after my feelings have changed. I reserve the right to change my mind. But mostly probably I won't.

Why?

Because there's three ways it can go. She accepts him fully, she turns him loose, or he eventually realizes she doesn't love him enough (which is my opinion, I think she likes him and finds him convenient, but not more than that) and he gives up on her.

If she accepts him fully, and they move in together and live happily ever after, I can handle that. I keep telling him all I want is for him to be happy, and that is absolutely true. I would be quite content with that result.

If she turns him loose, and if he then turns to me, I would have to reject him. Under those conditions I'd never be anything to him but second choice, and for my own health I can't allow him to do that to me. And that will tear me up.

If he eventually realizes that he can't get what he needs from her, and leaves her of his own accord, then I might consider starting over if he turns to me. Might. I don't know. I need honesty and openness, and I don't know if he's capable of learning that. He seems to me now to be naturally manipulative and duplicious. I don't think he even knows when he's doing it. Sometimes it's like the better part of himself (and there is a lot of "better part" to him) catches himself doing it and backs up, and that's when I see "the twin".

So anyway, there's nothing in it for me in contacting her, since if there was any result at all from what I'd have to say, it would be the first or second, and the second is just too painful for me to contemplate right now. Maybe it would be easier a long time from now, after I've moved on, but not now, not so soon.

So, Roman, if you're reading this, your secret is safe. Always was.