#481 A Four-Day Entry!

Man, my last post was late Tuesday night! Sheesh. But I have been sending three-word daily notes to Daughter to tell her I was alive and kicking. I don't remember now what I did earlier in the day on Wednesday. For sure, I didn't wake up in time to get to the recycle center, but I don't think my back was in shape for that anyway.

Incidentally, I'd missed my pills (all those supplements) Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, and most of the pain is gone. I'm down to the usual dull roar. To fully test the theory, I'll have go to back on them for a while and see if the pain comes back.

I had to be at Barnes & Noble in Poughkeepsie by 3 on Wednesday for the Mensa benefit gift wrapping, and the traffic was horrible! I left here before 2, and got there at 3, whereupon I found a note on the table that Bibi had called in to say she'd be a half hour late. I couldn't do anything alone because I didn't have the sign and other material that she was bringing. We didn't get really started until 4. Roman came in at 6 and relieved Bibi, and he and I stayed until 11 pm. We made a whole $32, and ten of that was from one guy who vastly appreciated the scholarship information. Bummer. But it was nice to sit with Roman that long.

Thursday I met with Piper at 1 pm. It was supposed to be a 20 minute meeting. I went unwashed and without makeup, and without my watch. After I left his office, I went to the bank and deposited some checks, then to the hardware store to pick up some new nightlights, and then was going home to wash and dress for class. I was to meet Roman for dinner before class, so I had to leave here by 3:45. When I left the hardware store, I looked at the clock in the van, and it said 3:10! I must have been with Piper more than an hour and a half. I don't understand....

Dinner - we picked up Chinese takeout and ate in the lounge in the Dutchess South building. Class was good. During class, an ice storm started. The drive to Roman's was downright scary, there were so many turns and hills. But he's very easy to follow, very considerate, and he didn't challenge me on the ice at all.

We had talked some on Wednesday about the "other" relationship he's in, and talked more on Thursday night and Friday. Getting through his reticence is difficult, but I need to know what the story is so that I can make my own informed decisions. I cried a lot (very little in front of him, mostly while he was sleeping). It's all very complicated and very sad, and I don't see any chance of things changing. There are only three ways it can go - everything will go on as it has, or I will reduce my need for him, or it will end, but it seems there's not much else in store. I am very sad. Check that - I am devastated. And I feel so bad for him. He's in a situation that can't end well. I accept that he feels love for her. He's obsessed with her. I don't believe (my own opinion based on a few things he has said) that she fully appreciates him, and I conclude that she allows him to continue his attentions because it's comfortable and convenient. He's easy to be with. He's so very affectionate. It could take years for him to fully realize he isn't getting back what he wants and needs. I love him too much to watch that happen. Pretty similar to the situation I'm in with him, I suppose. I'm just more aware than he, and more insistent. The poor guy has had little fun in his life. I want to play with him, to have fun with him, to get away together occasionally, but it doesn't look like that's likely to happen.

Sigh. I understand, but I don't understand.

I got home around 7 pm Friday, and found my driveway coated in ice. I had to get a running start, and then got up by tracking two wheels on the grass at one edge. I couldn't get up the wheelchair ramp at the front door, had to tromp through snow piles on the side. Today, the narrow part of the drive is melted, but the flat area at the top is still under more than an inch of ice, and the ramp is a toboggan run. (Oooo! That reminds me! I can use the toboggan in the garage to take stuff around the house to the basement! If I can get the thing down from where it's hanging, that is. A project for tomorrow.) I went out today and bought melter-stuff (it isn't salt, but it works really fast - the snapping and crackling when I spread it was amazing).

So here I am. Sadder but not much wiser. The final class session is next Tuesday. We will be together after class. After that, I don't know. If I let him wander away, he'll wander right down a rabbit hole. I guess I have to do some thinking. Do I want to save him from a life of quiet desperation? Or is it myself?

~~Silk